TITLE: Reviving Abby
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Don’t look up.
Whatever you do, zero in on the text.
Keep reading.
Ignore the curiosity urging you to lift your gaze.
Resist it, that tingling sensation creeping up your shoulders, stiffing your neck, goading you to pull your eyes away from the writing.
Control it.
Keep reading.
Focus on the words.
“WHAT LIES BEHIND YOU AND
WHAT LIES IN FRONT OF YOU,
PALES IN COMPARISON TO WHAT LIES INSIDE OF YOU”.
I read the lines for the hundredth time, trying to stick to my inner voice’s recommendation. At least, that’s who I think that is. It sounds like me (...)
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think this works for the most part. It's kind of ironic since the inner voice of the character almost seems like it's telling ME to keep reading the story haha. However, I have to admit that at first I thought the italics were actually something the character was reading rather their inner voice. I'm not sure why, but that was my instinct, which kind of threw me when the actual words of the text appear in caps.
ReplyDeleteI like the last sentence - makes me wonder who that inner voice really belongs to but I would still make it at least seem more like it's the protag's thoughts at first and then have the protag wonder if the voice is really their own inner voice. Know what I mean? I hope that makes sense. Good luck with this!
Thanks for your comments. " It's kind of ironic since the inner voice of the character almost seems like it's telling ME to keep reading the story" hahaha... that was actually the idea, good to know it does work that way.
Delete"I would still make it at least seem more like it's the protag's thoughts at first and then have the protag wonder if the voice is really their own inner voice." I totally agree, the 100+ words that continue actually center on the doubts the MC have about it being her inner voice or something else.
Thank you so much, for your comments.
While I can tell you can write, there is nothing to ground me right off the bat as to what's going on. Maybe give us a slight introduction to the MC before you jump into this excerpt. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment! Yeah, I get what you are saying, but I actually wanted to get you inside the MC's head from the get go, but no worries, the following paragraph gets right to it. Thanks again!
DeleteI think the character sounds more of an adult than in the YA age range.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel like there was enough of a lead in the beginning, therefore, regrettably, I don't really feel a connection with the character or the story. As the text is telling instead of showing, the conflict/foreshadowing feels minimized.
It may be me, but it doesn't make sense to put so much concentration on something that they've read a hundred times.
I appreciated how the character's feelings were described, I just wish there was more to go on.
The snarkiness of the character is fun and I could see a glimpse of something very entertaining!
The title is fascinating and begs for more than just a hundred words.
Good luck!
I like this, but you need to tag the beginning somehow so we know she's talking to herself. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense until we get to the end and then we have to re-think the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteHolly