TITLE: Valeria
GENRE: MG Space Opera
The oval door slid open and Valdor Noxum, an intimidatingly tall man with a permanent scowl on his face, entered the hospital room. Dressed in a red-trimmed black suit and vest, he strode along the velvet-carpeted floor past the stone fireplace set in the wall. He reached the base of the staircase shortly after that, two gentlemen wearing suits standing on either side. They knelt onto one knee and gazed upon the floor.
“My Liege…” one murmured.
“Your Highness…” murmured the other.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the "oval door," because from the get-go, something is a little different -- doors aren't typically oval. Great name, Valdor Noxum. Instead of telling me he is intimidating, show me by how he looks or something he does. From "he strode" on, it feels like a little to much play by play. Get me to the moment of Valdor meeting these two gentleman sooner, because, I imagine, that is where the story begins.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a pretty good opening. I don't have many suggestions, except like Deborah, maybe 'show' he's intimidating, by instead, saying he's a 'tall, imposing figure then say he entered the hospital room, 'his booming footsteps echoing off the walls.' Otherwise I think this is a strong start. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm confused as to whose POV this is. It sounds like it's Valdor, but if it is, he can't describe himself even when you're in 3rd person.
ReplyDeleteHolly