TITLE: Standing Too Close
GENRE: YA Contemporary
The bell rings as I’m emptying my locker. After so many years, I’m conditioned, and I jump, ready to slam the door closed and run to class. Second period is bio and the lab’s upstairs in the school’s new wing. I have to hurry if I’m not going to be late.
But I don’t hurry. Because I don’t need to worry about being late to bio or to French or English or any of my other classes anymore. As of ten minutes ago, I’m no longer a student of Milton High School.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nice twist, but it almost feels as if that's the end of the story, because this reads more as an anecdote than the start of a novel. It's also oddly distanced, because you're so in the character's head that he/she (and we) do not see other students scurrying. That's the contrast I think is missing here: other students do all this rushing, and she/he is moving at a different pace, with a different intention.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this makes sense. Why would she jump and think about needing to hurry when she clearly knows she doesn't have to (and says so a second later)? She can't lie inside her head. Either she knows she's not in a hurry or she doesn't. Yes, she might flinch at the sound of the bell but she wouldn't then think about hurrying, not unless she has forgotten that she isn't a student anymore.
ReplyDeleteHolly
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ReplyDeleteI would delete the last two sentences of the first paragraph. And tell us other students whiz by to make it to class. Then tell us why she's not in a hurry.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Holly. I thought it was strange that she was about to go to class, when she knew very well she didn't know anymore. I don't believe that she would really think she had to hurry to class. Otherwise, I like your hook of not going to the school anymore. I want to know why.
ReplyDeleteIs this supposed to be an unreliable narrator? It's reading a bit like that, even if you didn't intend it t that way. This does raise some questions - why does the MC need to hurry? Teens don't usually say the whole name of their school.
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