TITLE: Flying Ships and Shadow Sweeps
GENRE: MG Fantasy (steampunk)
Shumisha is a ship’s chimney sweep. She helps the mates gather shadows to fuel the magical engine driving their flying ship.
When Shumisha realizes that the captain has decided to trap human shadows, she decides to do everything in her power to free them. People without their shadows vanish into thin air. Her family will disappear. The problem is she can’t touch tangible things or talk to people. In fact, she’s a shadow herself.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow!!! This is such an awesome pitch. It makes me want to read your story ASAP to find out what will happen :) ! Great job.
ReplyDeleteOoh, boy baby! This has enough to make me want to read more, which is AWESOME. I'm a little concerned about the sibilants in your first sentence. It makes my mouth fill with drool while reading, but that's probably helped by the evident world building, LOL I'm also a little concerned by the "family will disappear" sentence, but that's easily fixed by removing it. I don't think you need it because it's obvious she's in jeopardy. NICE.
ReplyDeleteOMG I love this! I definitely want to read, like, now, so you've done your job in hooking me :) Thank ending twist is the sinker. You managed to cover a lot of ground in 75 words, but never did I feel bogged down in the details.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
My one suggestion, is that I tripped over the double use of "decide" in "When Shumisha realizes that the captain has decided to trap human shadows, she decides to do everything in her power to free them." I'd see if you could tighten up some of the wordiness here, so the sentence packs more of a punch.
The premise is fun. The pitch could be tightened up a little to eliminate less active verbs, and I couldn’t quite see the connection between being a chimney sweep and collecting souls. Unless the souls are trapped in the chimney?
ReplyDeleteShamushia is a chimney sweep who gathers shadows to fuel the magical engine driving a flying ship. When she discovers the captain is trapping human shadows, she’s determined to free them, before the people without shadows disappear. The problem is...
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