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Thursday, March 25, 2010

146 YA Paranormal

TITLE: Devil.May.Care
GENRE: YA Paranormal


My knuckles turned white as my fingernails bit into the plush velvet fabric. My arms muscles burned from the effort of holding my body up.

12 comments:

  1. Not sure if I'm hooked yet, but I would keep reading.

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  2. Not hooked - no idea what's going on here. I might read a bit further to see if it hooked me, but too adrift from just this.

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  3. Not hooked yet... I think you could combine the two sentences here and it would flow smoother.

    Backseat Writer Note: I'm not sure about the knuckles turning white - wouldn't just the fingertips turn white?

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  4. Not sure what's going on. I would read further, in hopes of getting hooked.

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  5. I'm not hooked. Seems a bit overwritten and with a flair toward the overdramatic.

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  6. It wouldn't stop me from reading, but something that may help this opening is to change up the sentence structure. It seemed repetative starting both sentences with the word "my."

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  7. I think this should be a second or third sentence. There needs to be something to ground this and hook me first.

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  8. I'm with Theresa - this is an example, in my opinion, of show vs tell gone wrong. It's such deep showing that I have idea what's going on and I'd probably put this down for fear of death my description. Think of the story. What's the story here?

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  9. Not hooked, sorry. (The title didn't do anything for me, either.) It would depend a lot on the scene that follows, but showing the MC stressed/nervous (though well done) doesn't really have anything to make me connect to her/him.

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  10. Since we don't know what has provoked such a strong reaction, it all seems a bit OTT.

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  11. In my mind, the character is dangling from a fancy, velvet settee. Not sure how or why, but I'm willing to stick around to see how it all goes.

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