It wouldn't stop me from reading, but something that may help this opening is to change up the sentence structure. It seemed repetative starting both sentences with the word "my."
I'm with Theresa - this is an example, in my opinion, of show vs tell gone wrong. It's such deep showing that I have idea what's going on and I'd probably put this down for fear of death my description. Think of the story. What's the story here?
Not hooked, sorry. (The title didn't do anything for me, either.) It would depend a lot on the scene that follows, but showing the MC stressed/nervous (though well done) doesn't really have anything to make me connect to her/him.
Not sure if I'm hooked yet, but I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked - no idea what's going on here. I might read a bit further to see if it hooked me, but too adrift from just this.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked yet... I think you could combine the two sentences here and it would flow smoother.
ReplyDeleteBackseat Writer Note: I'm not sure about the knuckles turning white - wouldn't just the fingertips turn white?
Not sure what's going on. I would read further, in hopes of getting hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. Seems a bit overwritten and with a flair toward the overdramatic.
ReplyDeleteIt wouldn't stop me from reading, but something that may help this opening is to change up the sentence structure. It seemed repetative starting both sentences with the word "my."
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
ReplyDeleteI think this should be a second or third sentence. There needs to be something to ground this and hook me first.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Theresa - this is an example, in my opinion, of show vs tell gone wrong. It's such deep showing that I have idea what's going on and I'd probably put this down for fear of death my description. Think of the story. What's the story here?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. (The title didn't do anything for me, either.) It would depend a lot on the scene that follows, but showing the MC stressed/nervous (though well done) doesn't really have anything to make me connect to her/him.
ReplyDeleteSince we don't know what has provoked such a strong reaction, it all seems a bit OTT.
ReplyDeleteIn my mind, the character is dangling from a fancy, velvet settee. Not sure how or why, but I'm willing to stick around to see how it all goes.
ReplyDelete