Well I know that a bubbie is a Jewish grandmother. Not sure if spelling it Bubbe would help others get it, or using a cap B or italics to set it apart for the "unindoctrinated." lol
I think you could tighten it up, which, as you know, is my M.O. I also wonder, if this great quote would make more sense flipped.
“A family without a child is like a bed without a quilt.” For years, my Bubbe's words haunted me.
Oh, how I can relate... For years on end I tried to become pregnant. It's such a sorrowful journey that I perfectly understand why such a harmless remark haunts the protag.
P.S. I disagree with the other commenters. Do not turn the sentence around. After all, the granny is referring to the quilt whereas the protags feelings are focused on the second half of the sentence.
Thanks for the comments! As Cat said, the first line is about a woman's reaction to her infertility issues. Thank you for understanding that. Perhaps it's something you have to have experienced. Although a writer's job is to bring the reader in to that sense.
I do think you can't judge an entire hook in 25 words. The reader would find, if she read further--another 25 words or so-- that the narrator is now pregnant but in danger of miscarrying. She does, in fact, go into labor (very prematurely) by the end of the first page.
Misspelling? Ooh, that's bad. Thanks for the rearrangement!
I liked the way Amy Sue inverted it and I think it works better that way, because the way it's written it sounds like it should mean that the MC is haunted that she doesn't have a quilt on her bed, even though I thought it was probably the other part of the saying that haunted her.
I'd swap the sentence around too. At the moment it sounds like the bed is the concern of the MC, when it's the family without a child.
And yes, you can't really judge an entire hook in 25 words! I've been telling people whether I'm hooked based on their entries, but with the implicit statement that I'd usually read more before making a decision one way or another.
'bubbie' is a bit odd to me, but I think it sets a nice tone. I'd cut the 'on it' for better parallelism. Though it's not my bag, I might keep going.
ReplyDeleteOld-fashioned I'd say...a bit too cosy, folksy. And it's a bit of a meaningless saying - I mean who cares if a bed has a quilt or not?
ReplyDeleteWhat is a bubbie?
ReplyDeleteI do like this though. :)
I'm intrigued. I like how much info and emotion you've worked into this, without seeming like you're trying to.
ReplyDeleteWell I know that a bubbie is a Jewish grandmother. Not sure if spelling it Bubbe would help others get it, or using a cap B or italics to set it apart for the "unindoctrinated." lol
ReplyDeleteI think you could tighten it up, which, as you know, is my M.O. I also wonder, if this great quote would make more sense flipped.
“A family without a child is like a bed without a quilt.” For years, my Bubbe's words haunted me.
I didn't know what a "bubbie" was until I read Amy Sue's comment. I agree with her about changing the sentence around.
ReplyDeleteI assumed bubbie was a pet name for a grandmother, but the rest seems forced. I don't see how anyone would be haunted by such an innocent remark
ReplyDeleteOh, how I can relate... For years on end I tried to become pregnant. It's such a sorrowful journey that I perfectly understand why such a harmless remark haunts the protag.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I disagree with the other commenters. Do not turn the sentence around. After all, the granny is referring to the quilt whereas the protags feelings are focused on the second half of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteMaybe. Probably a genre thing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments! As Cat said, the first line is about a woman's reaction to her infertility issues. Thank you for understanding that. Perhaps it's something you have to have experienced. Although a writer's job is to bring the reader in to that sense.
ReplyDeleteI do think you can't judge an entire hook in 25 words. The reader would find, if she read further--another 25 words or so-- that the narrator is now pregnant but in danger of miscarrying. She does, in fact, go into labor (very prematurely) by the end of the first page.
Misspelling? Ooh, that's bad. Thanks for the rearrangement!
Again, not a genre I read, but yes, I like this. I especially like "bubbie" to show the narrator's upbringing and style.
ReplyDeleteI liked the way Amy Sue inverted it and I think it works better that way, because the way it's written it sounds like it should mean that the MC is haunted that she doesn't have a quilt on her bed, even though I thought it was probably the other part of the saying that haunted her.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious. I'd give you a while longer to see how this was going to go.
ReplyDeleteI'd swap the sentence around too. At the moment it sounds like the bed is the concern of the MC, when it's the family without a child.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, you can't really judge an entire hook in 25 words! I've been telling people whether I'm hooked based on their entries, but with the implicit statement that I'd usually read more before making a decision one way or another.