TITLE: CHASING FOREVER
GENRE: Young Adult Paranormal Romance
Wind carelessly messed his blond hair as he swooped in behind a herd of cattle. Sunlight sparkled all around him and I found myself frozen.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not sure if I'm hooked. The description overwhelms the action. But I would read further.
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked. A lot of description, but no sense of the MC and I can't tell if the intriguing description is just being "pretty" or being "interesting". Swooped, for example. If he's running, then it's just pretty. If he's got wings, then it's interesting.
ReplyDeleteMade me giggle I'm afraid..and I don't thinkt that was what you were aiming for. I don't think it's a great idea to make 'wind' the subject of a first sentence.
ReplyDeleteSorry... I'm not hooked yet. I'm just not crazy about the descriptives here... they could be toned down a little.
ReplyDeleteOooh, I'm really sorry to do this to you, but messy hair and sparkles just made me think "Edward Cullen." (grin)Not really hooked.
ReplyDeleteToo much description, I'm afraid. Is the MC male or female? Why is he/she frozen? What exactly is meant by the swoop? I pictured a cowboy rushing in on horseback, but have no idea if that's what was intended.
ReplyDeleteNeeds snipping and action. I'm only somewhat hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked. Too much "he is so dashing" in just two sentences for my taste. Maybe a personal thing, I like male leads to have a bit more character, and a bit less "oh, he is so handsome!" about them (assuming this is indeed the male lead).
ReplyDeleteYou lost me a bit with the careless wind and messy blond hair - a bit too romancy and not enough paranormal for me! But I'd still like to see what comes next.
ReplyDeleteNot-quite-but-could-be hooked. I'm assuming the boy in question is winged, so that's cool, but it needs to be tightened and focus and the action clearer before I'd really want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI noticed the two passive sentences at the beginning. Not a strong way to grab our attention.
ReplyDeleteToo many descriptors bog things down further.
I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I'm sort of confused. Is the wind a character?
It didn't grab me. I thought Edward Cullen too when you mentioned sparkling (it must be rough writing paranormal at this point I admit) and there was a bit much description for me. If he actually has wings that would make this a lot more interesting, as someone else said. It's probably asking a bit much to get to the wings in the first 25 words though.
ReplyDelete