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Thursday, March 25, 2010

148 YA Paranormal Romance

TITLE: CHASING FOREVER
GENRE: Young Adult Paranormal Romance


Wind carelessly messed his blond hair as he swooped in behind a herd of cattle. Sunlight sparkled all around him and I found myself frozen.

13 comments:

  1. Not sure if I'm hooked. The description overwhelms the action. But I would read further.

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  2. Not really hooked. A lot of description, but no sense of the MC and I can't tell if the intriguing description is just being "pretty" or being "interesting". Swooped, for example. If he's running, then it's just pretty. If he's got wings, then it's interesting.

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  3. Made me giggle I'm afraid..and I don't thinkt that was what you were aiming for. I don't think it's a great idea to make 'wind' the subject of a first sentence.

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  4. Sorry... I'm not hooked yet. I'm just not crazy about the descriptives here... they could be toned down a little.

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  5. Oooh, I'm really sorry to do this to you, but messy hair and sparkles just made me think "Edward Cullen." (grin)Not really hooked.

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  6. Too much description, I'm afraid. Is the MC male or female? Why is he/she frozen? What exactly is meant by the swoop? I pictured a cowboy rushing in on horseback, but have no idea if that's what was intended.

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  7. Needs snipping and action. I'm only somewhat hooked.

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  8. Not really hooked. Too much "he is so dashing" in just two sentences for my taste. Maybe a personal thing, I like male leads to have a bit more character, and a bit less "oh, he is so handsome!" about them (assuming this is indeed the male lead).

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  9. You lost me a bit with the careless wind and messy blond hair - a bit too romancy and not enough paranormal for me! But I'd still like to see what comes next.

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  10. Not-quite-but-could-be hooked. I'm assuming the boy in question is winged, so that's cool, but it needs to be tightened and focus and the action clearer before I'd really want to read on.

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  11. I noticed the two passive sentences at the beginning. Not a strong way to grab our attention.

    Too many descriptors bog things down further.

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  12. I'm not hooked.
    In fact, I'm sort of confused. Is the wind a character?

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  13. It didn't grab me. I thought Edward Cullen too when you mentioned sparkling (it must be rough writing paranormal at this point I admit) and there was a bit much description for me. If he actually has wings that would make this a lot more interesting, as someone else said. It's probably asking a bit much to get to the wings in the first 25 words though.

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