“The lights have gone.” The valhara stood over fifteen hands, covered in thick plated steel from head to toe. His armor was black, trimmed in white and scribed with glittering runes. Like all members of the warrior race, he was known only by his weapon, a wickedly curved polearm named Biqehix.
The bearer of Ajanende, a weapon which remained unbroken for thirty generations, looked a mirror image of steel plate--white trimmed in black. “We cut them down like milkweed, and now one youth stands against us.”
“Such courage.” The wielder of Biqehix replied.
“A mighty attack.” Ajanende’s bearer echoed.
“How many have fallen?”
“Several hundred spears perished to the lights.” Ajanende’s bearer sounded greatly pleased.
“An honorable attack.” The wielder of Biqehix answered.
“A very honorable attack.”
“We must show them honor by offering a...”
“worthy counter.”
“Summon the shadows, a score at least. We must not dishonor them by responding too lightly,” the wielder of Biqehix said.
“Two score, to be sure. When the shadows find their lair…”
“We summon the Nigra Kar and they will...”
“bring us a Sisrath.” When Ajanende's bearer mentioned the Sisrath, the scouts jumped, the air seemed cooler, the smoke darker.
“Just one.”
“One Sisrath is very honorable.”
“Two would be...”
“Yes. Dangerous to our own forces. They will be honored by the Sisrath. Just one.”
The wielder of Biqehix raised his weapon, playing the light off the runes on the blade. “Then, we grind his shattered blade in the remains of his body.”
“He will be honored,” Ajanende's bearer said.
[author's note: I added minor expo in the first para to set the stage; it's hard to jump in the middle of fantasy so forgive me that. Though there is nothing despicable or devious about the Valhara, I loved them as bad guys. The objective in this excerpt was to create a sense of dread at their dogged, relentless honor and distorted perception of warfare as something that brings honor to the people they slaughter. Hope it's enjoyable!]
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm afriad I found this very hard to follow and understand. The typos (comma usage, lack of capitals on new lines) were distracting.
ReplyDeleteI also can't tell who the main character of this scene is supposed to be, what they want, and who--if anyone--is the antag.
SOrry, it's too confusing for me to offer any real comments.
~Merc
I like these villians. People often confuse honor for pride or power. The honor counting these two do seems realistic to me, although it sounds like a fantasy echo of mechwarrior in some ways.
ReplyDeleteA good set up, I'm intrigued at what the rest is.
I didn't really get it, to be honest, but that's my own fault. I'm lost when it comes to the epic voice of high fantasy. Kind of like trying to read Greek. Sorry I couldn't offer more feedback.
ReplyDeleteIt's certainly difficult to be dropped into the middle of epic fantasy...particularly if you're not a fan!
ReplyDeleteI've read my share of it, so it's not a problem for me. But the names and such did confuse me a bit. I really think that's the "drop the needle" effect, though, and not necessarily a reflection on the writing.
I like the honor thing. (It really is SO Klingon -- LOL!) It was just a bit confusing being dropped in with all the names, etc. A bit hard to know exactly whom I should fear, whom I should hate.
Sounds like you've got some real strength with world building, though!
Wait, so the real antagonist is the author? Who wields confusion as a dastardly weapon against his readers?
ReplyDeleteNo, no. That wasn't the goal at all...
Well, I mean, it confused Merc, that's always fun. But still...
One point of the confusion seems to be that it's not immediately obvious that the protagonist isn't here. That they are just talking about him.
Thanks for the great comments. It was a fun experiment and it's always great to see how my vision doesn't get communicated through the text.
One day, you'll all see it in full glory, oh yes. And then, after that, in the fallout of understanding my plots, the world will collapse in ruin as people flee from the falling sky and light candles against the ices of hell...
It will be glorious...
Ahem! I mean, that is... oh drat.