Romantic Fiction (not romance novel)
"You are the man, L-a-r-r-y!" Billy Martin sounds like a circus ring master.
"Yeah, some may say. But why you?" Larry tries to read Martin's hidden scheme.
"Your dance moves, the hair, intelligence and like every good boy scout, you're always prepared. Larry, you smoke cigars?"
"On occasion."
"Try one of these, boy, a Cuban, Flor de Farach Corona, 1947 Cuban.... ."
"Thanks. Mr. Martin."
"Call me Billy."
"Alright, Billy." Larry says drawing in on his Corona, hating everything about Billy Martin, even these expensive cigars.
"I'm a man who gets things done and I need someone like you to help me."
"Help you with what?" Larry asks and fears the answer.
"Graham, my right hand man recently met with an unfortunate accident. I need someone like you, to take his place."
"What did Graham do?" Larry asks.
"Larry, don't play with me. You think, I and don't know about you? You're a DEA agent! You worked with Graham. You could tell me, what he did for me." Martin's demeanor altered from congeniality to frenzy.
"I knew Graham, or I thought I did. " Larry's coolness prevails.
"Wasn't he your buddy?"
"At one time." Larry says, remembering, shooting Graham, just as Graham aimed for Larry's head.
"Graham told me about you: Identity change, the Dominican drug cartel on your trail, and the
Fentanyl fiasco." Martin snickers and continues. "You're a smart man, Larry, maybe you've been straight for 25 years, but in your heart you're still a junkie chasing after what's best for Larry."
I don't really see either of these dudes as an antag or a protag... both are kinda annoying and not very likable to me. *shrugs*
ReplyDelete(Fix the tag lines, please. Commas instead of periods on the DL if there's a "said/says" tag after it.)
Also not entirely sure what's going on here... I suspect Martin might an antag and a manipulative sort but he mostly comes off as annoying here, sorry.
~Merc
I think I see what's going on, the one guy is trying to buy a DEA agent. Not overtly evil but he could get worse over time.
ReplyDeleteWow, it's so hard being plunked down in the middle of a scene without knowing premise or characters, or motivation. The punctuation errors are a hindrance, though.
ReplyDeleteWe could see the evilness of whichever bad character is here if we could actually "see" him. Both these guys are two-dimensional, and that's probably because it's presented out of context. Maybe you could have chosen a scene that was more show than tell?
justme you got it. He's trying to buy a DEA agent.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a lot of villian in WIP it's romantic fiction. However Mr. Martin appears for a brief paragraph. I did this scene on the fly to post on here.
It needs some flesh and bone to it but the idea is there. I can see how it could be a bad scene. The mob boss (or whoever) walks in and tells the guy that his now-dead partner was bent and the boss wants to offer him some cash to betray his morals and everything else.
ReplyDeleteIt's like the devil showing up to sell you cookies for your neighbors soul. You're fine as long as you don't get caught but deep down you know it's wrong...
Larry already knows that Graham was on the take. Graham wasn't his partner, but they went through training together.
ReplyDeleteThe first night that Larry and fiance Trish came to town, they run into Mr. Martin who invites them to a BBQ. Both Trish and Larry are "sensitives" and know the man is no good. They turn him down.
Later they see Graham, but Graham says Martins okay. Local big shot, but that's about his only sin.
Later Graham sneaks up on Larry and trys to kill him, but Larry kills Graham first.
The reason Graham was after Larry was because Larry's boss called Larry back to AZ to find out if Graham had turned. Graham knew Larry would report him..
But all of this takes place in two chapters... :)
You've got the makings of some good dialogue here. They both kind of seem like "bad guys" to me, though Martin definitely had the upper hand as far as antag goes.
ReplyDeletePunctuation errors made this a little harder to read.
I think I'm "out of my genre" so I struggled more with this than, perhaps, with some others. I may be able to handle being dropped into the middle of a fantasy, but this one stretched me.
I loved the dialog. It's fresh.
ReplyDeleteThe antag (Martin?) didn't seem too dark and devious. He's going against the 'law' in this case, but he could very well turn out to be the hero based on this short snip.
Of course, if we knew how his previous 'second' met his demise...
Larry killed Graham. It's in this passage.
ReplyDelete"At one time." Larry says, remembering, shooting Graham, just as Graham aimed for Larry's head.
Although my snippet doesn't reveal it, Larry was called in by the DEA to find the agent that turned, and it was Graham...