"Speak not of what you are going to do; merely do it, and let your deeds speak for themselves." Tanna-di's voice drifted, soft and solemn, on the thick, candle-lit air.
"Speak not of what you are going to do; merely do it, and let your deeds speak for themselves." Tanna-di's voice drifted, soft and solemn, on the thick, candle-lit air.
Sandra hit this one on the head. It really does sound like a Yoda line. Now unless that's how wish your character to sound, I'd mess around with the tone a bit.
Definitely hooked. I love the tone and the wise words, plus the sense of forboding in the air. There's already a sense of setting and genre, and I'd love to see more.
I didn't like the ponderous, formal tone of the first line. It was better once I got a sense of who was talking and where, but I'm still not sure I like it.
I'd read on, just to see what was going on, though I'm not sure this is something that I would normally pick up. The Yoda comment is right on--that's exactly what I thought!
Add me to the Yoda camp. I'm not sure whether that's enough to turn off readers (and agents). Unless you're consciously trying to draw comparisons to Yoda, you might consider wording the quote somewhat differently. The tone and clues to setting, genre and conflict come through loud and clear, though. :-)
No, sorry, it felt a bit too formal and stiff to catch my attention. The second sentence has nice atmosphere and description but I'd have to know the blurb and genre before I'd want to go on.
This is the way she is, and the way she speaks. And while we don't see much of her (which is good- I think her speech would annoy me!), her words usually carry a lot of weight.
So yes, she's supposed to be wise and Yoda-like.
I'll play with it a little. Thanks for your thoughts! :)
The first sentence reminds me of something Yoda would say.
ReplyDeleteI'd need to know more of the situation, but I'd keep reading.
"Speak not of what you are going to do; merely do it, and let your deeds speak for themselves." Tanna-di's voice drifted, soft and solemn, on the thick, candle-lit air.
ReplyDeleteSandra hit this one on the head. It really does sound like a Yoda line. Now unless that's how wish your character to sound, I'd mess around with the tone a bit.
I like the description in the second line.
Definitely hooked. I love the tone and the wise words, plus the sense of forboding in the air. There's already a sense of setting and genre, and I'd love to see more.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the ponderous, formal tone of the first line. It was better once I got a sense of who was talking and where, but I'm still not sure I like it.
ReplyDeleteToo archaic and wordy for me personally, but for high fantasy generally, this is good. :)
ReplyDeleteDitto what inky said. I'd like to know more about what's going on--get a sense of urgency to read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, just to see what was going on, though I'm not sure this is something that I would normally pick up. The Yoda comment is right on--that's exactly what I thought!
ReplyDeleteI like it, but think it would work even better if you switched the order. Put the who and how first, then we can listen to the dialogue correctly.
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the Yoda camp. I'm not sure whether that's enough to turn off readers (and agents). Unless you're consciously trying to draw comparisons to Yoda, you might consider wording the quote somewhat differently. The tone and clues to setting, genre and conflict come through loud and clear, though. :-)
ReplyDeleteI thought the atmosphere the second sentence conveyed augmented the first sentence very nicely. I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry, it felt a bit too formal and stiff to catch my attention. The second sentence has nice atmosphere and description but I'd have to know the blurb and genre before I'd want to go on.
ReplyDelete~Merc
Well, Tanna-di is very...Yoda-y. :P
ReplyDeleteThis is the way she is, and the way she speaks. And while we don't see much of her (which is good- I think her speech would annoy me!), her words usually carry a lot of weight.
So yes, she's supposed to be wise and Yoda-like.
I'll play with it a little. Thanks for your thoughts! :)