“Ok, Sam, this time, do not try to wander off. You know the rules: you stay where I can see you the entire time we're at the market."
I like this - it pulled me in because I want to know if Sam wanders off or not. But the dialogue seems a bit stiff to me. Would this parent/guardian/friend (not sure) be so calm when urging someone with such a plea?
It's hard to judge this one based on the first two lines, so sorry if I'm way off the mark.
I think you should add a stronger tone to the dialogue--"don't even try to wander off" "You better stay where I can see you." But maybe this would destroy your characterization.
I'd suggest a more concrete 'don't wander off' to give the speaker more authority. The 'try' makes me think he only tried to wander off before rather than maybe did wander off - which would add more tension.
I'm not hooked quite yet, but I think I'd keep reading. There are hints of setting and conflict, so I'd probably read to the end of the page to see if the conflict is strengthened up a bit.
This is just intriguing enough to keep me reading for at least the first page, just to make sure Sam DOES wander off and to find out what kind of trouble he gets into. I agree with a couple of others, though: Strengthen the warning and shorten the sentences to make the dialogue more "real." Do people often talk to youngsters (possibly a rash assumption) in complete, grammatical sentences, or do they use "code words" and dialect? Just a thought. :-)
No hook, sorry--nothing really stands out about this yet, although I'd reserve judgment until I could see a bit more of who Sam is and what market they are at, in the hopes it's something exotic and unusual. ;)
“Ok, Sam, this time, do not try to wander off. You know the rules: you stay where I can see you the entire time we're at the market."
ReplyDeleteI like this - it pulled me in because I want to know if Sam wanders off or not. But the dialogue seems a bit stiff to me. Would this parent/guardian/friend (not sure) be so calm when urging someone with such a plea?
It's hard to judge this one based on the first two lines, so sorry if I'm way off the mark.
I think you should add a stronger tone to the dialogue--"don't even try to wander off" "You better stay where I can see you." But maybe this would destroy your characterization.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest a more concrete 'don't wander off' to give the speaker more authority. The 'try' makes me think he only tried to wander off before rather than maybe did wander off - which would add more tension.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked quite yet, but I think I'd keep reading. There are hints of setting and conflict, so I'd probably read to the end of the page to see if the conflict is strengthened up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, because there's a hint that something is going to happen, but the sentences themselves are a bit bland.
ReplyDeleteHmm...where do I recognize this from? :X
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is the strongest sentence to open your story. The conflict is too subtle.
I'm afraid I'm not quite hooked. There's conflict implied here, but if it were more direct, as others have suggested, I'd be more apt to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteSounds like me talking to my four year old sometimes. Familiar, but not out of the ordinary. I'd need more before deciding if I was hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis is just intriguing enough to keep me reading for at least the first page, just to make sure Sam DOES wander off and to find out what kind of trouble he gets into. I agree with a couple of others, though: Strengthen the warning and shorten the sentences to make the dialogue more "real." Do people often talk to youngsters (possibly a rash assumption) in complete, grammatical sentences, or do they use "code words" and dialect? Just a thought. :-)
ReplyDeleteI would want to read on to find out who Sam is and who is speaking to Sam.
ReplyDeleteI'd really have to know if soon is not a child or in a really strange setting; that would hook me. If not, I would pass
ReplyDeleteNo hook, sorry--nothing really stands out about this yet, although I'd reserve judgment until I could see a bit more of who Sam is and what market they are at, in the hopes it's something exotic and unusual. ;)
ReplyDelete~Merc