If Eric Zinzer wasn’t my friend, I’d tell him exactly where he could put his surfboard. The first day of our junior year is behind us and I was hoping to relax, have a little fun, cool off and catch a few easy waves.
If Eric Zinzer wasn’t my friend, I’d tell him exactly where he could put his surfboard. The first day of our junior year is behind us and I was hoping to relax, have a little fun, cool off and catch a few easy waves.
k.m. walton's suggestion for revision is spot on.
I like the tone, and I love YA, so I'd keep reading!
Good work on giving us info about the setting, genre, and timing, but there’s no strong/hooking mention of plot. Right off the bat, there needs to be a strong, clear, conflict mentioned for the reader to sink their teeth into.
I'm a little confused about what seems to be some tense shifting here, but that may be my issue and not yours. If this is written in first-person present, I think the second sentence would benefit from some other phrasing. (See k.m. walton's suggestion, but substitute present-tense verbs for her/his past-tense verbs.) If the piece is intended to be in past-tense, the first sentence probably should use.... OK, I've completely forgotten the technical term for the tense (subjunctive? past imperfect? conditional? AUGH!), but maybe something like this: "If Eric Zinzer hadn't been my friend, I would have told him exactly where he could put his surfboard."
I like the sense of humor and emerging personality of the narrator, though. :-)
I feel that the two sentences don't really go that well together. The first line grabbed but the second felt like it was setting the plot. Plus tense problems.
You have a good tone here. This sounds YA-ish, but I'd give it a try.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what the first and second sentence have to do with eachother.
ReplyDeleteI like the first sentence, but the second needs editing.
ReplyDelete"The first day of our junior year is behind us and I was hoping to relax, have a little fun, cool off and catch a few easy waves."
ReplyDeleteHow about?:
The first day of our junior year was over and all I wanted to do was relax, have a little fun, cool off and catch a few easy waves.
I like the first sentence though, as it is.
If Eric Zinzer wasn’t my friend, I’d tell him exactly where he could put his surfboard. The first day of our junior year is behind us and I was hoping to relax, have a little fun, cool off and catch a few easy waves.
ReplyDeletek.m. walton's suggestion for revision is spot on.
I like the tone, and I love YA, so I'd keep reading!
Good work on giving us info about the setting, genre, and timing, but there’s no strong/hooking mention of plot. Right off the bat, there needs to be a strong, clear, conflict mentioned for the reader to sink their teeth into.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused about what seems to be some tense shifting here, but that may be my issue and not yours. If this is written in first-person present, I think the second sentence would benefit from some other phrasing. (See k.m. walton's suggestion, but substitute present-tense verbs for her/his past-tense verbs.) If the piece is intended to be in past-tense, the first sentence probably should use.... OK, I've completely forgotten the technical term for the tense (subjunctive? past imperfect? conditional? AUGH!), but maybe something like this: "If Eric Zinzer hadn't been my friend, I would have told him exactly where he could put his surfboard."
ReplyDeleteI like the sense of humor and emerging personality of the narrator, though. :-)
The tense shifting didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteFirst line good, second line not so. I'm borderline on this one. It would depend on the blurb.
ReplyDeleteYou go from past to present to past-tense; 'is' should be 'was.'
ReplyDeleteYA is not my thing, so the conflict presented here doesn't appeal to me.
I would like to know why he's angry with his friend, so I would read on.
ReplyDeleteNeeds more tense consistency as has been said, but I like the opening line.
ReplyDeleteI feel that the two sentences don't really go that well together. The first line grabbed but the second felt like it was setting the plot. Plus tense problems.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE THE FIRST Sentence it makes me laugh everytime i read it :D
ReplyDeletenot sure about second sentence
I would read it
;)~Future Author & Friend to all writers XD