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Thursday, March 25, 2010

162 Suspense

TITLE: Resilience
GENRE: Suspense


Rivals called Jeremy Guerdon inimitable. Denise Tyler preferred best friend and fiancé--until now.
The paper rattled as Denise pulled out the note.
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10 comments:

  1. Joshua McCuneMarch 25, 2010 at 5:27 PM

    Not hooked -- 'inimitable' is an adjective. 'bf' and 'fiance' are nouns - this lack of parallel structure is one of my red buttons.

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  2. shawnawksMarch 25, 2010 at 5:33 PM

    Liked this so far! Would keep reading!

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  3. JaneMarch 25, 2010 at 6:05 PM

    The first two sentences confused me. I had to read them a couple of times.

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  4. PortiaMarch 25, 2010 at 6:15 PM

    I'd read on. Nice set up.

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  5. Keren DavidMarch 25, 2010 at 7:25 PM

    'inimitable' is a poor choice of word here..it doesn't tell me anything. Inimitable how?

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  6. Vicki RochoMarch 25, 2010 at 8:41 PM

    (this won't post...trying again)

    I like "Rivals called Jeremy Guerdon ____." (I'd change inimitable). But the best friend and fiance feels like a cliche to me. I rolled my eyes, sorry to say.

    I'd probably replace best friend and fiance with "scum-sucking toad" or some other colorful insult, and then let it slip that she was engaged to him. Takes way more than 25 words, but that would hook me.

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  7. Susan X BradleyMarch 26, 2010 at 12:22 PM

    Not hooked. I also had to re-read it a couple of times. The note isn't enough suspense for me to read on.

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  8. MercMarch 26, 2010 at 3:36 PM

    Not hooked, sorry.

    "inimitable" threw me and I couldn't get past that to wonder why "until now".

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  9. Elizabeth LundMarch 26, 2010 at 7:43 PM

    Not hooked. The third sentence had no relationship to the first two and felt jarring.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kelsey (Dominique) RidgeMarch 26, 2010 at 9:56 PM

    I'm not hooked. There's potential here, but it's not pulling me along.

    ReplyDelete