I like "Rivals called Jeremy Guerdon ____." (I'd change inimitable). But the best friend and fiance feels like a cliche to me. I rolled my eyes, sorry to say.
I'd probably replace best friend and fiance with "scum-sucking toad" or some other colorful insult, and then let it slip that she was engaged to him. Takes way more than 25 words, but that would hook me.
Not hooked -- 'inimitable' is an adjective. 'bf' and 'fiance' are nouns - this lack of parallel structure is one of my red buttons.
ReplyDeleteLiked this so far! Would keep reading!
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences confused me. I had to read them a couple of times.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. Nice set up.
ReplyDelete'inimitable' is a poor choice of word here..it doesn't tell me anything. Inimitable how?
ReplyDelete(this won't post...trying again)
ReplyDeleteI like "Rivals called Jeremy Guerdon ____." (I'd change inimitable). But the best friend and fiance feels like a cliche to me. I rolled my eyes, sorry to say.
I'd probably replace best friend and fiance with "scum-sucking toad" or some other colorful insult, and then let it slip that she was engaged to him. Takes way more than 25 words, but that would hook me.
Not hooked. I also had to re-read it a couple of times. The note isn't enough suspense for me to read on.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry.
ReplyDelete"inimitable" threw me and I couldn't get past that to wonder why "until now".
Not hooked. The third sentence had no relationship to the first two and felt jarring.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. There's potential here, but it's not pulling me along.
ReplyDelete