My only issue with this is that the little niggling headache I was thinking about got the hint and is now here full-fledged. Curious to know more about "accidentally" acquiring others' pain.
I'm not quite getting this yet... partly because I'm instantly thinking of the other books I've read recently where the protagonist is suffering the same thing that people around her are.
The other thing is I'm not crazy about this opening and think it could be reworded slightly so it is smoother. <- That could just me doing the backseat writer thing again. :)
The concept hooks me, but the language kind of throws me off. I like "walked into a headache," but it's such a new concept for the reader to get his head around, maybe it needs to be presented more simply: fewer dashes, and shorter, more direct sentences.
I stumbled in this, probably because of the punctuation - instead of your second em dash, you need a comma or colon. But yes, I want to know more about walking into someone else's pain. That's a very strong line.
Not yet--the first sentence with the em dashes is confusing and the repetition of "walked/walking" doesn't work for me. It feels overall a bit too choppy, sorry.
My only issue with this is that the little niggling headache I was thinking about got the hint and is now here full-fledged. Curious to know more about "accidentally" acquiring others' pain.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Almost sounds like WAKE, but instead of dreams, you've got headaches.
ReplyDeletePartial hook 4 me.
ReplyDeleteHook. I'm intrigued by the idea of walking into someone else's headache.
ReplyDeleteKinda hooked. Not a full-on hook. I'd read more though. ㋡
ReplyDeleteinterested!
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite getting this yet... partly because I'm instantly thinking of the other books I've read recently where the protagonist is suffering the same thing that people around her are.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is I'm not crazy about this opening and think it could be reworded slightly so it is smoother. <- That could just me doing the backseat writer thing again. :)
I don't like the flow of the first sentence, but the premise would keep me reading to see what happens next
ReplyDeleteThe concept hooks me, but the language kind of throws me off. I like "walked into a headache," but it's such a new concept for the reader to get his head around, maybe it needs to be presented more simply: fewer dashes, and shorter, more direct sentences.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept. As above, partially hooked.
ReplyDeleteIntrigued, but the focus seemed off. I need more info.
ReplyDeleteClose. Very close.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled in this, probably because of the punctuation - instead of your second em dash, you need a comma or colon. But yes, I want to know more about walking into someone else's pain. That's a very strong line.
ReplyDeleteNot yet--the first sentence with the em dashes is confusing and the repetition of "walked/walking" doesn't work for me. It feels overall a bit too choppy, sorry.
ReplyDeletePartial hook. Neat concept, but the first sentence feels a little clunky.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first line. Roped me in completely.
ReplyDeleteAgree about the em dashes. But loved the content
I walked into a headache. Always the intruder without intent.
ReplyDeletethis with the title would intrigue me and
then work the rest into your story...