TITLE: Kidd's Hoard (working title)
GENRE: Historical fiction for young adults
Tuskemos trembled, beach plums dropped, when one Dutchman shot the other and kicked him into the sandy hole. Did he see her?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Huh? Who, what, when? Way too much going on here for me to get any sense at all of what is really happening.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I'm confused.
ReplyDeleteYeah, a bit confused here, too.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely confused. Is Tuskemos a person?
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit confused. I don't have a sense of who or what the story is about.
ReplyDelete???
ReplyDeleteWhoa! I'm confused. I'm sure I would read on a bit to try to figure this out if nothing else.
ReplyDeleteNo idea what's going on. Needs expanding. Nice dramatic scene though.
ReplyDeleteEach of these actions needs a whole sentence for itself.
ReplyDeleteColor me confused as well. I thought Tuskemos was a man...and what the heck is a beach plum? Too much going on.
ReplyDeleteI'm not usually one for historical fiction, but I get the references enough to want to read more. A title would be a big help, though.
ReplyDelete'Fraid not. Not really sure what just happened.
ReplyDeleteI'm too confused to be hooked, sorry.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely confused. I think I know what you meant, but it took more thinking than you want a reader to have to do that early in the story. I suggest breaking into two, maybe three sentences for greater reading ease.
ReplyDeleteBeing a Dutchman myself, I would read on. But the first sentence is a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteConfusing for me, too. I had trouble parsing that first sentence and trying to understand what the last part had to do with the first two parts. And then the question - her, who? Is Tuskemos a her?
ReplyDeleteI don't know what beach plums are either, but that could be part of the historical aspect and I'm okay with waiting a bit for more description on that.
This simply didn't read right to me. And since I didn't know what you were trying to achieve, I gave up.
ReplyDelete