TITLE: COVETED
GENRE: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
Dear Authoress,
Seventeen-year-old Caleb Dunnelly spends his weekends searching the net for clues about his parents’ disappearance. Which is why his best friend has to trick him into going out one Friday night.
The two end up at Confessions, local hotspot and—apparently—the perfect place to be ambushed. When a couple of freaks in robes set the club on fire, Caleb pulls his friend to safety, and smack into the middle of an ancient war being waged on modern streets. A group of religious radicals believes Caleb possesses powers capable of enslaving mankind, and wants him dead. He doesn’t want to ‘enslave’ anyone, but try telling that to the lunatics with the glowing swords.
While running for his life, he crosses paths with the literally explosive Scarlet, who’s fiery hot, but also eight kinds of crazy. She says he can raise the dead, which makes him a target for any number of supernatural forces, including the Seven Deadly Sins. The Sins haven’t been topside in a millennium, but they’ve crawled their way out of the pit just to pay him a visit. Between Hell’s generals and a murderous secret society, Caleb just wants to make it to Monday with his soul intact (and possibly ask Scarlet out). But the Sins have information Caleb is willing to pay any price for: they know what happened to his family.
COVETED is a young adult urban fantasy complete at 82,000 words.
I am a published poet and a former columnist for Writer’s News Weekly. I am a member of Novel Clique, an established group of professional writers, and an Affiliate Member of the Oklahoma Writer’s Federation, Inc.
Sincerely,
Me
Miss Snark's First Victim
No. Too much going on but nothing stood out to hook me.
ReplyDeleteNo. Way too much going on. The first paragraph didn't hook me. You have a nice voice, though.
ReplyDeleteNo. There wasn't enough focus here. Adding multiple layers onto a conflict is great within the story, but in the query, I think you need to focus on the primary conflict and the players directly involved.
ReplyDeleteNot right for me, but interesting premise.
ReplyDelete(Consider starting with Scarlet and the Sins instead? I enjoyed your final line though.)
No. Too much going on and the MC feels weak to me.
ReplyDeleteIt's a no for me - I'd have to learn a bit more about Caleb's personality first.
ReplyDeleteNo. I feel confused about the world, the premise, and the major conflict. Too much info for my tiny brain.
ReplyDeleteNot for me, thanks. There was too much going on; that makes me worry that the novel might be similarly unfocused.
ReplyDeleteNo. I agree with some of the other comments, you have too much going on.
ReplyDeleteYes, but clear out your query. It has way too many plot points which are unnecessary in a query.
ReplyDeleteYes. But there is too much going on in the query - I'm already hooked by paragraph two, and don't need a lot of this to be compelled to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteyes - a partial. Agree with others that there is too much going on.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I do think this query could be improved. I'd get rid of the best friend as it's just adding to an already crowded description, unless he's totally necessary to the plot. But the voice was good and it intrigued me enough that I'd want to read it.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteToo much going on and tone is not consistent (sounds both serious and light-hearted).
Yes. Of all the entries, I liked this the most. I felt the novel's urgency and emphasis on action within the writing. I enjoyed being surprised by both plot twists and the snarky voice.
ReplyDeleteNo, but mostly because the concept just doesn't appeal to my personal taste. Overall query seems well-written, but might contain a little too much detail and too many adjectives. I like the voice and the stakes of the last two sentences.
ReplyDeleteYes, because of Scarlet :) But the stuff before is setup. Scarlet and the Sins are your hook--not that he was forced to go out Friday night.
ReplyDeleteYes, for the first chapter at least. I think the premise is really interesting, but I'm kind of confused. I want to see the first chapter to see how the world building starts there to decide if I want more.
ReplyDeleteNo. The first sentence is about missing parents, the next reference is the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I agree with others that there are too many details in the query and the hook is buried.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the idea and the snarky voice. I get bored with novels that take themselves too seriously- let's have some fun and save the universe! Send me pages now!!!
ReplyDeleteYes. I actually followed it pretty well. This sound like fun, and I like your voice.
ReplyDeleteNo. The concept has promise, but the query doesn't flow well; there's a lot going on, but none of it seems to be connected to anything else.
ReplyDeleteI waited until authoress was finished with her evaluation to give my two cents (because I have a very lenghtly opinion on this.)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you appealed to your target audience which is a HUGE accomplishment. As a young man, I am very attracted to this story (yes, I am in love) because it has all the things I like: glowing swords, hot girls, sin, parties and demons. Market this right and you'll have a cult following on your hands.
Now, the query, however, needs consistency. You are focusing on various conflicts to tempt the agent, which is good, but misplaced. Generally, you need to focus on the first inciting incident that occurs within the first 50 pages. This is a good incentive when you have a lot of plot points in your story because it weeds out the main conflict and makes the query smoother and less convoluted. To me, his struggle with the 7 sins is the main conflict. You should expand on that, as it's the most interesting.
Hesitant, but no. Like others, I thought there was too much going on. But I liked the voice and humour, so I was torn. I bet with a stronger, more focused query you could win me over.
ReplyDeleteNo, but I agree with others that a more focused query could make me change my mind. Any query that takes place in a fantasy world and doesn't reveal that within the first paragraph leaves me feeling startled and lost.
ReplyDeleteYes! I'm very much intrigued. Love it.
ReplyDeleteYes on the premise, but like others suggested, stick to the main plot and cut out any filler for the sake of the query. Focus on the main character and the stakes if he doesn't succeed.
ReplyDeleteNo--I love the voice in your query, but I'm confused as to what the main conflict is. I think if you made your query a bit more concise, you'd have a winner. Again, you've got a great voice!
ReplyDeleteNo. Liked the voice and parts of it, but it feels cluttered and UF is a hard sell for me right now.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's an interesting world (I liked the line about the Sins coming topside), but the query jumps from one thing to another. I'd worry the MS is equally unfocused.
ReplyDeleteYes - but it was almost a no because there's almost too much going on in the query. I'd try to streamline the plot lines / conflicts if you can.
ReplyDeleteSorry but no, not as it stands. If you could bring the beginning and the end closer together by clearing out a lot of the details in the middle, that would help. I like the stakes of the last sentence.
ReplyDelete