TITLE: SEASON OF THE SOULLESS
GENRE: YA Near-Future Science Fiction
Dear Agent,
Untamable curiosity tugs at seventeen-year-old Ten’s ribs, driving her to be something, anything more than what BioLife Technologies created her to be. Such desires are absurd, of course. After all, Ten is a clone: biologically human, but deemed soulless because scientists conceived her in a Petri dish. Her only value is to fulfill her purpose as a subject in BioLife’s experiment to transform clones into living weapons. She exists to cause death.
Regardless, she risks severe beatings to sneak remarkable items from wardens’ purses, eavesdrop on doctors' conversations, and steal forbidden glimpses of the outside world. Her mischief pays off when a series of sudden explosions destroys her lab, providing her with the courage and wit to escape.
Rather than rainbows and giggles, freedom brings frostbite and an empty belly. With BioLife’s watchful eye everywhere, her survival appears grim. That is, until she meets science prodigy, Seth Adams. Seth offers her a new home, a new identity, a new life, possibly even love.
She also befriends Blaze, a free-spirited, fellow escapee. When she discovers that BioLife turned him into a human bomb, she risks her safe, comfortable life with Seth to help Blaze find the neutralizer that will prevent his impending detonation.
In their search, Ten and Blaze, discover that BioLife has thousands of victims. Without immediate action, the still-captive clones face certain annihilation. Blaze insists they mount a rescue. Ten is unsure. She’s nearly died twice. Secrets are unraveling her relationship with Seth. And despite their best efforts, finding Blaze’s neutralizer seems impossible. She’s soulless, an abomination—a task as grand as freeing all the clones feels unfathomable. Nevertheless, she’s their only hope.
NO. I didn't get a sense of what the meat of the plot is about or why Ten is their only hope.
ReplyDeleteNo. It reads too much like a synopsis to me and it was confusing in areas.
ReplyDeleteYES. The story sounds intriguing and I would read based on this query, but I do think you could trim a bit to focus on the heart of the conflict.
ReplyDeleteNo. There's too much going on for me to get a solid idea of what the *main* hook/theme/conflict is.
ReplyDeleteNo. Agree that it reads like a synopsis and too much detail.
ReplyDeleteYes - there's some overwriting here and there, but the concept is intriguing enough that I'd take a look.
ReplyDeleteNo. It reads too much like a synopsis.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt is way, way, way too long.
Yes. The query could be trimmed and tightened, but the premise reminds me of the old Dark Angel tv show, which I liked.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteAn intriguing main character but too much time is spent setting this up and I don't get enough of the main plot and the details of the conflict the MC faces.
No. I agree with @Durango Writer & @Jean Davis. This query reads too much like a synopsis.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I was confused about why the lab explosion gave her the "courage and wit" to escape. It blew up...didn't she just have to walk out?
ReplyDeleteYes. You caught my attention in the first paragraph. The rest of it needs to go, and you need to start over because it's a synopsis and doesn't capture the immediate intrigue.
ReplyDeleteYes. I agree it is a little long, but not much. For science fiction and fantasy, the author should have a longer query in order to describe the world. I love dystopias and this one sounds different enough. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteNo. Your sentences are way too long - and a bit overwritten - and my attention wandered before I even got to the end of the first one.
ReplyDeleteYes. It is a bit descriptive, but it sounds exciting and different enough that I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteNo. I stopped reading after the first few sentences. They were too long and chewy and didn't read well
ReplyDeleteNo, this is overwritten which makes me think the actual novel will be, too.
ReplyDeleteYes, only because the premise intrigues me. Your query has too much extraneous information and ends up sounding like a synopsis.
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteAn 'on the fence' yes because the meat of the story is lost in the details of the query but the idea of a human bomb in Blaze that needs to be switched off is enough of a hook that I would want to look at the first few pages.
YES, but all you need is the first paragraph that hooked me in, and the rest you can cut.
ReplyDeleteYes. There are a lot of extra details here, but I agee with Happy Dolphin, I'm intrigued by the human bomb. I would want to read more.
ReplyDeleteYES.
ReplyDeletethere's definitely problems with the query, but clones wins me over.
No. Too much plot summarizing and a conflicting voice.
ReplyDeleteYES. Needs trimming, but I got a good feel for the stakes, and the premise beguiled.
ReplyDeleteNo. This is too long, bogged down with too much detail for a query, and was at times (in my opinion) overwritten.
ReplyDeleteNo. A few misplaced commas made me worry the manuscript would have similar problems.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too confusing with information overload.
ReplyDeleteNo. It reads more like a synopsis than a query.
ReplyDeleteYes. I agree with everyone else that it is long, but I was sucked in. I would read it based on the query.
ReplyDeleteNo - the format seems off for a query, as others said, it feels more like a plot synopsis.
ReplyDeleteNo. How do sudden explosions provide Ten with courage and wit (end of second paragraph)?
ReplyDeleteNo. While I like the bioengineered life concept, I've never liked the premise that clones would automatically be soulless.
ReplyDeleteYes because the story idea hooked me
ReplyDeleteNo, despite everything. The premise shows promise, but the query sounds like I've heard this all before.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm confused as to what Ten actually wants and what stands in her way.
ReplyDeleteNo. The voice wavers, there's too much going on and I'm not sure where to focus.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a good sense of the boiled-down conflict and stakes--I can't tell if it's "she wants to help people even though it's dangerous" or if it's "helping others like her will prove she has a soul but destroy her new life with Adam."
No.
ReplyDeleteI like sf/f but I'm pretty sick of reading about clones. Also, some of the phrasing made me think I wouldn't enjoy the style the novel is written in.
Yes, though a bit long, I liked the idea of clones standing up for themselves.
ReplyDeleteYES. While a bit wordy, I'd want to read it despite the fact that Ten seems unsure of trying to save all the clones yet it says she's their only hope.
ReplyDeleteNo. This query letter is way too wordy. I stopped reading before the end, you need a hook.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteShe sounded airheaded and wishy-washy. That's only cemented by the last two sentences where she seems to suddenly have bought into the propaganda?
Yes- even though it wanders and doesn't give us a firm grab, it seems to kind of lure you in.
ReplyDeleteNo. Bulky writing with no substance.
ReplyDeleteNo. It reads more like a synopsis, but my main problem was the hook and stakes.
ReplyDeleteAnd if she's a clone, why bother with the beatings? Destroy and rebuild would be my method.
No. There is too much information to really hook you in.
ReplyDeleteNo. I liked 'freedom brings frostbite', but too much synopsis, not enough punch.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the concept, but I suspect some of the problems of the query carry over to the MS (lack of "showing", awkward sentence construction, etc.).
ReplyDeleteNo. The first sentence didn't flow right from the beginning and it made me want to stop reading.
ReplyDeleteYes, based almost entirely on premise -- I like clones, I like ethical thinky-thoughts (ie: clones have no soul) and the potential romance is nice. That said, others are correct: I'm unsure of why Ten is the linchpin, and that might be a dealbreaker for many.
ReplyDeleteNo - the query is long, and it reads too much like a synopsis to me. I'd like to know what the driving conflict will be, and focus in on that.
ReplyDeleteNo. Reads like a synopsis rather than a query.
ReplyDeleteNo. I have a problem with clones being seen as souless, it's not consistent with current scientific ethical views. Scientists either disregard the idea of souls altogether, or conceed that since identical twins (nature's clones) have separate souls, then engineered clones would have their own soul, too.
ReplyDeleteYes. Premise = intriguing. Someone said it's more synopsis than query, but I'm still interested in the story.
ReplyDeleteYES. Intreagued, but as others have said: economy. I think everything you need is here, just tighten it up.
ReplyDeleteNo. I lost interest half way through reading - too long.
ReplyDeleteYes,
ReplyDeleteI love underdog soties where the hero is the littlest, beat down person with freiends and a goal; to sacrific those for unknown innocents.
Yes. The concept is intriguing; However, this query is way too long.
ReplyDeleteYes. Too long, too wordy, and definitely needs to be tightened to your main focus, but I'm still intrigued by what I gleaned from it.
ReplyDeleteNo. But it's close, the premise is excellent but it rambles, too wordy, not specific enough, also need more sense of characterization.
ReplyDeleteNo, because neither of the concepts highlighted at the start seems to be driving the story.
ReplyDelete