I like the grandmother's voice. She sounds snarky and sarcastic--my favorite type of character! However, this set-up of a video will from beyond the grave has been done so often now that it's cliche. The rest of this chapter would have to be very unique for me to continue reading on.
Cliched beginnings can work, if the story immediately darts off in some other direction. I like this. The crusty old grandmother sucked me right in. I agree with the others about naming that "him" in the second sentence, though.
I've read this same beginning before a couple of times (different names, of course), but I still like it. 8^)
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I want to know who the "him" is though. Can you name him here instead of using the pronoun?
ReplyDelete“Well, you’re all together which means I’m dead.” Grandma Dusty glared at him from the television screen in the lawyers’ office.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Karen. I've heard this before somewhere . . . but it is still intriguing and good!
There should be a comma after "together."
Is it a lawyer's office containing several lawyers, hence the plural, or do you want it to be lawyers' plural? Just checking.
Goldchevy has a point - who is him? This may very well bein your next line, so take this suggestion for what it's worth. ;)
I laughed. Enjoyed it and would read on.
ReplyDeleteI like the grandmother's voice. She sounds snarky and sarcastic--my favorite type of character! However, this set-up of a video will from beyond the grave has been done so often now that it's cliche. The rest of this chapter would have to be very unique for me to continue reading on.
ReplyDeleteHehe, a much better beginning than the story used to have :)
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure you want lawyer's there, singular :)
LOL! Okay, you got me. :)
ReplyDeleteI like it. The others pretty much said it all. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think this is too cliche. It is used a lot in movies. Writing is good.
ReplyDeleteCliched beginnings can work, if the story immediately darts off in some other direction. I like this. The crusty old grandmother sucked me right in. I agree with the others about naming that "him" in the second sentence, though.
ReplyDeletePretty cliche. i was thinking Brewster's Millions, and a few other (not great) movies. It really depends on what comes after these 2 sentences...
ReplyDeleteHeh, I think you need to name John (you know how much I hate nameless pronouns) but otherwise I like. ;)
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I like the sound of the grandmother. I want to know what she's got planned.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I like the sound of the grandmother. I want to know what she's got planned.
ReplyDeleteThe first two words of sentence three are his name. :O) Does that make the world bright and shiny again?
ReplyDelete