TITLE: Seeker of Night
GENRE: Paranormal/Urban Fantasy
Adrienne's two best friends, one being Gabe's sister, have been kidnapped and taken hostage by an unknown group of baddies, hidden in an underground lair.
"I'm scared, Gabe, what happens if we're too late?" I whispered hoarsely.
"I know, but we still have to try. Think about Laura and Felicity." Looking into his eyes, I saw them shift; he had just partially shifted.
"How did you do that?" I knew that with shifted eyes, he'd have night vision and I wanted it too.
"You just have to concentrate on shifting that one thing. Close your eyes and focus, picture the shift on just your eyes." He instructed.
I took a deep breath and followed his directions; fire burned behind my eyelids but I kept them closed until it stopped. Opening them, I looked at Gabe and saw him perfectly; he nodded and smiled. Then, reaching out he yanked the door of the truck open and grabbed my hand, leading us down into the dark hole.
The staircase had a wall on each side, so we didn't have to worry about falling off or anything getting us from the side. The stairs had a green tint to them from my cat eyes and they appeared to be rocks and stones. We were approaching the bottom, which was about a hundred feet from the top; when the blood curling scream filled our ears.
Gabe grabbed me and pulled faster; in the direction of the scream. Off the last step, we rounded a corner and stopped to listen. Just when the silence was getting to me, something scratched across the floor and then everything went black.
I like this scene. It's descriptive and fairly easy to jump into. I'd read on to find out why everything went black - what with shifted eyes and all!
ReplyDeleteSuggestions-
I'm not exactly sure what it looks like when eyes shift. Maybe there's an earlier description? Also, the word shift appears a lot in a short span and it seems repetitive.
The writing needs tightening in places. Ex. "The stairs had a green tint to them from my cat eyes and they appeared to be rocks and stones." I'd revise this for clarity and begin the sentence with "From my cat eyes..."
The other sentence I wonder about is "Just when the silence was getting to me." You may want to be more descriptive here. It would build tension just before the scratching.
Nice work! I'd read more!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAuthor - I worked on this scene for a few hours, trying to cut it down to 250 words and even when I managed that, I still wasn't 100% happy with every little word! Thanks for the feedback!
ReplyDeleteJuliana...I think your writing is lovely! I would definitely read to find out what happens.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the word "shift" showing up too often. But really, the only thing missing for me was the emotional factor. People important to these two are in very serious danger, and that didn't seem to be reflected at all. Gabe seems a little cavalier, in fact. That may just be his personality, but Adrienne also seems unconcerned, and more focused on being able to see than her friends.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you showed us how Gabe was tense, sweaty, looked sick, etc--something to demonstrate that he's freaking out--we would be able to better connect (and fall in love with him for being such a caring brother). Ditto for Adrienne. If Adrienne were my best friend and I read this description about her coming to rescue me, I'd be pretty peeved. :)
Just my two cents...good luck!
Samantha - I see your concern in the lack of emotion, but as this is just a 250word piece of it, there is plenty of emotion in the paragraphs leading up to this point. But it's also a factor of they have to keep their head on their shoulders in order to survive, and I'm sorry but seeing in a pitch black staircase would be a concern of mine as well, how else are you going to save your friends if you can't see a foot in front of you to walk? =) great feedback though, I appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteThis is a good premise -- I like the "night vision" thing, and it certainly solves the problem of finding people in the dark!
ReplyDeleteThe writing needs a solid dose of editing and tightening. I would also strongly encourage you to read your dialogue out loud, as that tends to help us hear when things are awkward or unbelievable.
For example:
"I'm scared, Gabe, what happens if we're too late?" I whispered hoarsely.
For one thing, the sentence in quotes is a run-on, which makes it grammatically incorrect. The main thing, though, is that it feels contrived. People don't usually say, "I'm scared, (Name)."
Maybe try, simply:
"What happens if we're too late?" I whispered.
"I know, but we still have to try. Think about Laura and Felicity."
Again, this feels contrived. I think it would be more powerful if he were to say, simply,
"We still have to try."
Remember, they are, in a sense, racing against time. They're not going to be blah-blahing a lot, so their dialogue needs to be shorter.
The staircase had a wall on each side, so we didn't have to worry about falling off or anything getting us from the side.
The above sentence feels clunky. I know you are trying to get across to your readers that the staircase was fairly safe, but I think you are spelling out too much. We must always assume that our readers are quick-witted and will read between the lines.
Keep working! Prune and tighten, and you'll end up with major tension and excitement that will really propel the reader forward!
I definitely think the last paragraph is a great chapter ending. I'd want to read on to see what happens.
ReplyDeleteA few suggestions: you could combined "I saw them shift; he had just partially shifted" in the 2nd paragraph, so you only use "shift" once.
In the 4th paragraph, there should be a comma, not a period after his dialogue, and He (of He instructed) should be lower case.
Also, you don't need to spell out every single action. For instance, you don't need "reaching out" in the last sentence of the 5th paragraph. How about "Then he yanked the door of the truck open..." Your readers will figure out that he reached out for the handle.
Also, do you mean blood curdling in the second to last paragraph? You having curling.
Good luck!
This is interesting and pretty easy to follow (although it would've been easier if you'd mentioned the characters are shape shifters in the summary ;).
ReplyDeleteThe first two lines of dialogue seemed a little generic, like I've heard them many, many times before.
Also, your descriptions would be a little clearer with more contrasts. At first it didn't mean a lot to me that Adrienne could see Gabe clearly, so a line about how dark it was for her would make that clearer.
Be careful about punctuation; semi-colons are used to separate two complete sentences, not fragments ;)
I like the premise, though, so I'm curious about what happens next. That's the most important thing, right?
I agree with the comments above. I didn't know what I looked at Gabe and saw him perfectly meant; we didn't get much in the way of setting to begin with.
ReplyDeleteThen, there's a mention of a truck door and I wondered where it came from and what it had to do with anything...although, such is the nature of a Drop The Needle.
I was also left wondering how old these characters are.
Overall, although the night-vision thing is cool, I didn't find much else intriguing.
I definitely agree with the above comments. The overuse of shift and the semi colon issues jumped right out at me.
ReplyDeleteThere is also a sense of 'this happened, then this, and then that' in their escape which distanced me. I'd like to feel her desire for night vision and experience the terror with them.
So rather than saying 'Just when the silence was getting to me,',
you could comment about her heart pounding in her chest, or her breath coming in ragged gasps... you know the kind of thing.