TITLE: Tica Manus
GENRE: Young adult science fiction
One hour ‘til graduation.
Tica couldn’t believe what a beautiful morning this was for the most important day of her life: Warm sunshine, a touch of clouds, and that first hint of roughness creeping into the Commandant’s voice as he shouted his rage. The hoarseness matched the way he was making fists, waving his arms, and stomping as he paced. And, of course, he was constantly pointing at the offending ledge of a certain men’s dormitory. “Get down here at once, young man!”
That young man was their own Tim, the wild man of their posse. He had perched himself on top of the toilet he had hauled onto a ledge outside a dorm window. No one knew why the ledges were built so wide, but it was one of those random facts that had gone into the mix of Tim’s truly diseased mind. Dressed in a black body suit and a black ski mask, he had spot-welded the lock to the door - the door for an empty room, not his own. He’s wild, not suicidal.
So there he sat, with no way for the increasingly hoarse Commandant to identify or get to him, though if shouts could kill, Tim would have left the ledge in a casket.
Less than an hour before the ceremony now. The deepening lines on the commandant’s face showed the minutes ticking by. Hordes of parents and dignitaries were descending on campus, and Tim just sat there, reading a newspaper.
I felt like there was a lot of telling. I mean, the Commandant is yelling and that's all that's really going on, while Tica just kind of hangs out and thinks about things.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteI like the humor here and the voice is decent. I do feel that if Tica is the MC, you could focus more on her and what she's feeling. Right now, the only mention of her is at the very beginning.
Also I feel that the writing could be tightened somewhat, but that's an easy fix.
I feel the scene drags on a bit, which isn't to say you're beginning it wrong--only that you might want to trim here and there. I'm not entirely sold, but b/c the writing is good, I'd give the story a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteIt's missing something, not sure what. The hint of a voice is there, but . . .
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree there's too much telling (i.e., observing) by the MC rather than any info about the MC.
Best of luck.
S
I found myself wishing that Tim was the main character. Reading a newspaper on a toilet on the ledge of a building is a pretty sweet intro scene for a character. He stole the scene from Tica, and we're just on the first page.
ReplyDeleteI liked the "if shouts could kill" line.
I agree with the above comments, though I really like this beginning. I just think you could add more action into it as opposed to back story. Maybe put the second full paragraph as the beginning? Start with Tim moving to that position, and describe the situation as he moves?
ReplyDeleteAlso, since you've got the Commandant yelling so much, I think it would be nice to get some dialogue in there. It could be comical to see how the crowd reacts to that, and to see Tim's unconcerned reactions (or lack thereof) to it.
I'm interested in the Tim character, but so far, there's no story. You've dropped hints about the world you've created, which is good, but so far it's just a passage of time were a character shows defiance to an authority figure. Now, if Tim were to, say for example, pull out a remote detonator and blow up the crowd from his little perch two paragraphs later, then we've got a a story. But right now it lacks direction.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, but if something didn't happen soonish, I'd probably move on.
This is a very entertaining way to start a novel, but I didn't feel like it flowed. I would cut out the long description of the Commandant's actions at the beginning and get right into Tim's shenanigans. You might want to start so we really get a sense of the MC's voice: "Tica couldn't believe what she was seeing...." (you can do better than my lame example!!). Cut all the weather description and go right into describing what Tim was doing. Then go back to give us a one-sentence description of the Commandant going crazy down below. That might help the flow. The way it is now, it feels disjointed.
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps and good luck!
The first sentence of your second paragraph has Tica thinking the commander's angry voice is part of her 'beautiful' morning. Does she really consider what is happening as beautiful, as opposed to thinking he's ruining her beautiful day? If so, that would make this far more interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe events are interesting in themselves, but you've titled the story Tica Manus and made her your MC, but we learn nothing at all about her. This feels more like either Tim's story, or the commander's. Maybe slip in some of Tica's thoughts and reactions to what is happening, to put the spotlight more on her?
There were also a few tense changes you might want to correct.
The last bit is the best. I love that he's sitting on the toilet reading the paper. Made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteBut if the commandant can't figure out who he is, how can Tica?
IMO, this needs tightening. A little too detailed in what Tim had done and I'm not sure we need all of those details.
And yes, a bit of telling and then showing going on here and you can cut the telling part.
I like the setup and am interested in this bunch and meeting more of her peers.
(From the author.) Thank you for your comments so far. Just to let you know, this first part was based on a true story. No, it wasn't me, but the eyewitness told me about his friend on graduation day -- toilet on the ledge, black ski mask, newspaper. You'll be glad to know he got away.
ReplyDeleteMark in the Seattle area
The premise shows potential - the idea that a kid welded a door shut and move a toilet out onto a ledge is hilarious, especially when you add that he's reading a newspaper out there - but I don't think the writing is where it needs to be.
ReplyDeleteFor starters, this is all tell, no show. You could have pulled this off so much better by having Tica standing below the ledge, listening to the Commander yell, and watching Tim. Show us his actions, instead of how he got out there. Show us exactly what the Commander says; more than one line of dialogue would be great. All of this, rather than a recap of how weird Tim is and how he locked himself out there, would be much more compelling. Keep at it!
I like the image of someone sitting up on a ledge refusing to come down as someone shouts at them, but I didn't feel that this got into a good rhythm, in part because there were so many interjections and complicated phrasing where simple phrasing would have done just as well. For example, "shouted his rage" doesn't do a great deal more than just "shouted," I'm not sure how hoarseness :matched" making fists, waving arms, stomping, etc., I'm not sure how the idea of a ledge being built wide goes into his mind.
ReplyDeleteAll of these (I think needlessly) complicated turns of phrase means the reader is spending their time trying to unpack what is happening rather than enjoying the funny moment. Precision of language here would go a long way.
I like it a lot and I even chuckled. I very much like Tim. The problem is that (by your title) Tica is the MC and we get nothing about her. I'd read a few more pages to see if that changes soon.
ReplyDeleteThis is a fun start but would probably benefit from some shorter, sharper sentences. The lengthy sentences of the narrative voice don't quite match the tone you're going for here. I'd probably still read on, though, as you give us a unique set-up.
ReplyDeleteI like the visual of Tim on the ledge (even more so when I learned it was a true story!) but I agree he is stealing the scene from Tica. You could add in some snippets to show us where she is in relation to the action: standing near the Commandant on the ground? Watching from a nearby dorm? It would be good to be firmly grounded in her POV. I'd read on, but for Tim not Tica (though I'm guessing she'll emerge as a strong character in her own right soon).
ReplyDelete