Wednesday, February 2, 2011

First Kiss #29

TITLE: A JEWEL OF SIRRA
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance

There was no time for quick and easy explanations. Her identity was in danger of being exposed, and she did the only thing she knew to stop him. She quickly leaned in and put her lips on his.

Just like that, everything stood still. It was a shock to him at first, albeit a pleasant one. When she opened her eyes and started to pull away, he instinctively grabbed her head with one hand and her body with the other and pulled her even closer. His fingers moved skillfully through her silky black hair as he tightened his grip on her body.

She could feel the rhythm of his heartbeat along with hers as they sat locked in an embrace. She felt like she was melting into his kiss. His lips were so soft and wet ... and so irresistibly delicious. Breathe, she thought to herself. An eternity had passed before David gently, but reluctantly, released her and sat back in his seat. His mind was completely rid of the Huskers by now, his head in a daze.
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12 comments:

  1. kaureliusFebruary 2, 2011 at 11:23 AM

    Nice.
    I want to know specifically where his hands are on her body... :)

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  2. Charity BradfordFebruary 2, 2011 at 11:46 AM

    Lovely distraction. I'm curious to find out what her secret is and what the Huskers are. Very nice!

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  3. rheaFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:02 PM

    "albeit a pleasant one" "instinctively" made these sentences his POV. The same with the last sentence in the last para. Unless, of course, she could read minds?

    Huskers. I sure want to know what that is and her secrets.

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  4. NinaFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:39 PM

    I agree with Rhea about the Huskers. Definitely interested in what her secret is!

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  5. ErinFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:41 PM

    Irresistibly delicious ... love this.

    I feel a little head hopping and that's distracting, but like the kiss.

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  6. Michael Di GesuFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:58 PM

    I agree about the head hopping, but I am curious about the Huskers.

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  7. angela robbinsFebruary 2, 2011 at 3:06 PM

    huskers are evil , hee hee (i'm next door to nebraska...)

    that being said, i did enjoy this passage. other than the head jumping, this is tight for me.

    (word ver: obagleep
    obagleep, obaglop, life goes on bra...)

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  8. Casey McCormickFebruary 2, 2011 at 5:46 PM

    I'm having a hard time figuring out who has the POV, but it's a lovely kiss scene!

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  9. CL FosterFebruary 3, 2011 at 7:31 AM

    I was good until the wet lips; ewe.

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  10. MelindaFebruary 3, 2011 at 12:00 PM

    Nice description, but the head-hopping is a problem. I'd recommend sticking to just one POV per scene, or at least not hopping between POVs within the same paragraph.

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  11. Chris P.February 3, 2011 at 3:32 PM

    You have some POV issues and head hopping here.

    Also, statements like, “She could feel,” have a tendency to pull the reader out of the scene. Unless that’s what you’re going for, I would try to rework.

    The “to herself” is redundant, you already stated she was thinking. Make every word count!

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  12. BarbaraFebruary 3, 2011 at 5:26 PM

    I thought it was petty good until the last parg. The writing there is passive. Cut the 'she could feel' and 'she felt like.' And the last sentence is his POV. She would have no idea if his head was in a daze or not.

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