An ancient warrior trapped in stone by a sorcerer’s curse is freed when a beautiful woman, a warrior in her own right, seeks his help to defeat the very same evil that imprisoned him.
Great one-liner! I think it's really hard to distill a story into one sentence, but you've definitely managed it here. The only part that I thought could be reworked was the "a warrior in her own right." I didn't feel like it told me enough about the woman to be invested. I'm already invested in the male warrior b/c of his curse, but I'd like to be just as intrigued by the female lead. Also before I looked at the genre, I though it was fantasy. I really did love this. And great title! Ninja Girl
Like the premise and good job getting this into one line. However it is passive and might benefit from being active.
"A _______ woman frees an ancient warrior trapped in stone by a sorcerer's curse in the hopes he will help her defeat the very same evil that imprisoned him." -- or something like that.
If she is the MC, she should come first in the LL I think.
This is a terrific beginning (although I would rearrange it as Azimuth suggested). This describes the inciting incident. Now you need to explain the stakes and the consequences. They have to do SOMETHING or else SOMETHING BAD happens.
I'm a little confused about who the main character is here. It sounds like the one with the goal is the woman, but you've written it as if it's the ancient warrior. If it is him, you can use this as a setup but then you need to tell us what HE wants and why. After that, we need more information about the possible conflict and consequences of failure.
This sounds like a great adventure story. It's nice and tight. I do agree with poster to make the line active rather than passive and let us know what the stakes are. What is the evil doing? Why was he imprisoned? What happens if they don't succeed. Nice job.
Love Azimuth's suggestion, but no matter what, I'd cut 'very'.
I wouldn't mind more detail about the sorcerer. This is a great plot description, but I can't sink my teeth into it. Giving a nice clear picture of what the MCs have to prevent - in other words, the sorcerer's eventual goal - would be some nice flesh to add to the bone.
Also, I'm meh on the inclusion of 'beautiful.' Is that really of enough consequence to the storyline that it's merited in the logline? =P From its being romance, we can assume they get together, and I get a lot more enthusiastic about their future relationship from the 'warrior in her own right' part than the beauty thing.
You've distilled your entire plot down to one succinct, easy-to-understand sentence, which is fantastic. I do wish this had a little more voice and, as several others mentioned, a clearer sense of who the MC is.
I love the title and the story line sounds great. You put so much info into that one line, but like the others, I don't know who the MC is. I would read this. ;-)
Perhaps to elongate this logline you could mention some of the perils the two lovebirds will face that draws them both towards success and each other. It would help fill in a few blanks and add tension for us from a plot perspective.
My only other comment would be regarding your title. I'm not certain any romance should have the word blood in it. I realize there are Paranomal aspects, but I still feel there might be a gentler title possible.
This seemed to be written as if it were the stone warrior's story, and yet I feel like it is the female's story. Perhaps clarify that.
It also says he's freed when she seeks his help, which probably isn't the case. I'm guessing she does something to free him. So, while I can guess what you're trying to get across, the words aren't saying that.
Perhaps consider rewriting this from the POV of the main character, and say who or what the evil is and what they're trying to do to her, now she must free the stone warrior and seek his help in defeating the evil - something along those lines.
I like this premise a lot, but you need to make it clearer who your MC is. If it is the ancient warrior then we need to know what his goal is, and what the consequesnces will be if he doesn't get it.
I have to agree with Riley--I don't see how describing the woman as "beautiful" is at all relevant to the logline. Her beauty doesn't affect anything there and doesn't seem to be part of any major plot points, so it's not important. There are a lot of other descriptors you could use that would tell us about the character, instead of something as superficial as her attractiveness.
If she is the main character, then I would agree with Azimuth's reconstruction of your logline--it makes more sense. However, if she's not, then I think you might want to refocus this logline to center around the ancient warrior instead.
This is short, to-the-point, and gives a good amount of information (though a little more would be nice). I was thrown a bit by the genre, which I didn't notice until now--the "romance" part makes sense, but the logline gave me the sense that this was closer to a fantasy novel than a paranormal (mostly because paranormals are usually set in modern day, at least in my experience, but reference to a female warrior made me believe that this was set in a fantasy world). Anyway, good job!
I liked this, but I'd like to have a more specific detail about what this great evil is. Evil is rather generic, but stating what that evil is can show your story's uniqueness.
I think some of the other logline writers should look at yours as an example of how a story can indeed be distilled down to one sentence. (That's not a criticism of the other writers by the way, I found it very difficult too.)
The thing is, you've made it so short we don't know what exactly the stakes are. What happens if they don't defeat the evil? I skimmed some of the comments above and agree with those that say you should perhaps write this from the woman's point of view, or at least make it a bit more active.
Great one-liner! I think it's really hard to distill a story into one sentence, but you've definitely managed it here. The only part that I thought could be reworked was the "a warrior in her own right." I didn't feel like it told me enough about the woman to be invested. I'm already invested in the male warrior b/c of his curse, but I'd like to be just as intrigued by the female lead. Also before I looked at the genre, I though it was fantasy. I really did love this. And great title!
ReplyDeleteNinja Girl
Like the premise and good job getting this into one line. However it is passive and might benefit from being active.
ReplyDelete"A _______ woman frees an ancient warrior trapped in stone by a sorcerer's curse in the hopes he will help her defeat the very same evil that imprisoned him." -- or something like that.
If she is the MC, she should come first in the LL I think.
Otherwise, hooked!
This is a terrific beginning (although I would rearrange it as Azimuth suggested). This describes the inciting incident. Now you need to explain the stakes and the consequences. They have to do SOMETHING or else SOMETHING BAD happens.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting story. Good luck.
I'm a little confused about who the main character is here. It sounds like the one with the goal is the woman, but you've written it as if it's the ancient warrior. If it is him, you can use this as a setup but then you need to tell us what HE wants and why. After that, we need more information about the possible conflict and consequences of failure.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This sounds like a great adventure story. It's nice and tight. I do agree with poster to make the line active rather than passive and let us know what the stakes are. What is the evil doing? Why was he imprisoned? What happens if they don't succeed. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteLove Azimuth's suggestion, but no matter what, I'd cut 'very'.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't mind more detail about the sorcerer. This is a great plot description, but I can't sink my teeth into it. Giving a nice clear picture of what the MCs have to prevent - in other words, the sorcerer's eventual goal - would be some nice flesh to add to the bone.
Also, I'm meh on the inclusion of 'beautiful.' Is that really of enough consequence to the storyline that it's merited in the logline? =P From its being romance, we can assume they get together, and I get a lot more enthusiastic about their future relationship from the 'warrior in her own right' part than the beauty thing.
Best of luck!
You've distilled your entire plot down to one succinct, easy-to-understand sentence, which is fantastic. I do wish this had a little more voice and, as several others mentioned, a clearer sense of who the MC is.
ReplyDeleteI love the title and the story line sounds great. You put so much info into that one line, but like the others, I don't know who the MC is. I would read this. ;-)
ReplyDeletePerhaps to elongate this logline you could mention some of the perils the two lovebirds will face that draws them both towards success and each other. It would help fill in a few blanks and add tension for us from a plot perspective.
ReplyDeleteMy only other comment would be regarding your title. I'm not certain any romance should have the word blood in it. I realize there are Paranomal aspects, but I still feel there might be a gentler title possible.
This seemed to be written as if it were the stone warrior's story, and yet I feel like it is the female's story. Perhaps clarify that.
ReplyDeleteIt also says he's freed when she seeks his help, which probably isn't the case. I'm guessing she does something to free him. So, while I can guess what you're trying to get across, the words aren't saying that.
Perhaps consider rewriting this from the POV of the main character, and say who or what the evil is and what they're trying to do to her, now she must free the stone warrior and seek his help in defeating the evil - something along those lines.
I like this premise a lot, but you need to make it clearer who your MC is. If it is the ancient warrior then we need to know what his goal is, and what the consequesnces will be if he doesn't get it.
ReplyDeleteGreat start though... Good luck! :)
I have to agree with Riley--I don't see how describing the woman as "beautiful" is at all relevant to the logline. Her beauty doesn't affect anything there and doesn't seem to be part of any major plot points, so it's not important. There are a lot of other descriptors you could use that would tell us about the character, instead of something as superficial as her attractiveness.
ReplyDeleteIf she is the main character, then I would agree with Azimuth's reconstruction of your logline--it makes more sense. However, if she's not, then I think you might want to refocus this logline to center around the ancient warrior instead.
This is short, to-the-point, and gives a good amount of information (though a little more would be nice). I was thrown a bit by the genre, which I didn't notice until now--the "romance" part makes sense, but the logline gave me the sense that this was closer to a fantasy novel than a paranormal (mostly because paranormals are usually set in modern day, at least in my experience, but reference to a female warrior made me believe that this was set in a fantasy world). Anyway, good job!
I liked this, but I'd like to have a more specific detail about what this great evil is. Evil is rather generic, but stating what that evil is can show your story's uniqueness.
ReplyDeleteI'm also a fan of this one. It doesn't tell me much about the conflict, what's in their way, or what's at stake.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it does intrigue me enough that, if I had the book, I'd start reading it to find out. I can't imagine any better reaction than that.
I like the brevity here, but I think it needs more clarity (as others have said). Maybe changing it like this will help?
ReplyDeleteAn ancient warrior trapped in stone by a sorcerer’s curse is freed when a beautiful warrior seeks his help to defeat the evil that imprisoned him.
I'm not sure it helps much though because I still want to know how he's freed. Does she just ask for his help and he's freed?
Anyway, it sounds like a great story! Good luck. =)
I think some of the other logline writers should look at yours as an example of how a story can indeed be distilled down to one sentence. (That's not a criticism of the other writers by the way, I found it very difficult too.)
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, you've made it so short we don't know what exactly the stakes are. What happens if they don't defeat the evil? I skimmed some of the comments above and agree with those that say you should perhaps write this from the woman's point of view, or at least make it a bit more active.