TITLE: To Disturb the Universe
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Sixteen-year-old Yulie Madigan can rewrite the universe's source code, which means the Nova Colonia Corporation will do anything to control her. To avoid giving up her sanity to make NovaCol's wormholes, Yulie goes into hiding, only to realize that if she keeps running, her friends and family may pay the price.
I like the possibility for conflict in this but it is a bit hard for me to accept as a premise - rewriting the universe's sourcecode. So while the logline is structured well, it's the premise I find a bit more difficult to accept.
ReplyDeleteNice and concise logline. I think we need to know what rewriting the universe's source code actually means (is it creating worm holes?) and what 'price' her friends and family may be paying. I need clarification on the stakes. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI agree that I need to know what "rewrite the universe's source code" actually means. Also, this sounds like something that she has been able to do forever which means it's not acting like an inciting incident. What STARTS your story? Is that the discovery by Nova? If so, say something like, "When Nova discovers that Yulie can X, she realizes that she must go into hiding until..." (makes this concrete as her goal can't be to go into hiding forever!)
ReplyDeleteAs for the giving up sanity, this kinda comes out of nowhere. Is Nova able to control her sanity? If so, you need to list this as one of the ways that Nova is going to stop her from succeeding.
Finally, you need to wrap up with something that connects to her initial motivation. If her stakes are the safety of her family, what she wants in the beginning needs to be something like "just to be left alone with her family" or something like that.
To wrap up, I'm thinking you want something like:
"All Yulie wants is NICE THING ABOUT FAMILY, but when Nova discovers she can UNIVERSE THING, Yulie is forced to HIDE ETC... Despite Nova's attempts to A, B, and/or SANITY THING, Yulie is determined to stay away, but when Nova threatens to RUIN NICE FAMILY THING FROM ABOVE, Yulie must decide between HER BIG CHOICE."
(Sorry, mine is lame but I think it shows the idea).
Good luck!
Holly
This sounds like YA-meets-Philip K. Dick n' I absolutely LOVE THAT! I would definitely like to know what "rewriting the universe's source code" means, to better understand the story conflict. Also perhaps a word or 2 to describe Yulie, besides her age, would make it stronger...
ReplyDeleteGREAT WORK! GOOD LUCK TO YOU N' THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!
I think Holly's template is a good place to start. I'm really intrigued by the idea of rewriting the universe's source code, and I'm okay with not knowing exactly what that means. But I agree that the sanity thing seems disconnected, and I want to know more about the stakes for her and her family. Very interesting possibilities here.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow. I'm totally in conflict with everyone else on this one - I wouldn't change a thing about this. The being able to "rewrite the universe's source code", depending on the voice, seems like it could be either hilarious or super-intense, and imho, the stakes and conflict are set up well. I want to read this NOW!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI really liked this one, and I can imagine how it could compare to some societies today, societies in which family honor requires payment.
Of course, that's not the story.
I think it is a great logline.
P. S. Writing the universe source code speaks to me.
Sounds like my kind of story. "rewrite the univers's source code" sounds a bit like a god though.
ReplyDeleteWhat are her limitations? This description doesn't give me a sense of that; why can't she just rewrite the corporation out of the source code?
It sounds more like she can "write bugs into the fabric of space and time" or maybe "connect galaxies together with her mind" or something more limited in scope and ability.
Also, does her talent have consequences? It sounds like maybe it drives her insane? Make this clear to us too and I'll be on amazon picking up a copy! :)
I too liked this one,I wish u would have given an example. If she knows she can rewrite the code then she must have already tried it. This one has me hooked. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to know what rewriting the universe's source code meant. Is this something she does regularly to make her life perfect?
ReplyDeleteI also agree you could state how NCC suddenly finds out she can do whatever it is she does.
Life is going on as usual until Whatever event brings NCC into her life, then she goes into hiding to (prepare for whatever event will get her out of this mess) until she learns her family is in danger. Now she must (do whatever) to save them and herself.
I'm having a very hard time with this one. On the one hand, I sort of find the source code of the universe thing sort of hard to buy, but if it's well executed it could be awesomesauce on toast. The real kicker comes with the fact that it's hard to add the sorts of details we'd like to get to know whether or not the source code of the universe is too deus ex, or if it's well constrained. Which means my advice is don't change it. I'm intrigued enough to want to read more. If you add too much more, it'll be a whole page before you know it.
ReplyDeleteConflicting advice is always hard, good luck, and I look forward to seeing this.
Source code sounds interesting. Did she just acquire this ability? Does Yulie work for NovaCol? Good luck.
ReplyDeleteWow, this is my favorite one so far! I think the "universe's source code" was a huge hook for me, so I suggest you keep it.
ReplyDeleteI think your logline reads great the way it is, although if you'd like, I think you can explain "giving up her sanity" a little better. Will the Nova Colonia Corporation work her to death? Will they manipulate her?
All in all, great job!
Thanks to everyone for the kind words and great feedback!
ReplyDeleteI liked this until the very last line. Can you elaborate on 'friends and family may pay the price.'
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, Good Job.
I really like the idea of someone being able to rewrite the universe's source code. I think you've laid out the conflict and stakes really well, except 'may pay' sounds weak. Change it to 'will pay' and I think you've got a winner.
ReplyDelete