TITLE: Misery Loves Company
GENRE: Fiction
When tragic events and lean times force ten year old Cotton Sparrow and her family to take up residence in an old abandoned school bus, she learns first-hand about poverty, hunger and hopelessness. Years later, at her mother’s funeral, she confronts the townspeople, only to realize the face of dissent was not only those who looked away when tragedy struck repeatedly - but was mainly her mother’s untreated mental illness.
I'm not sure what you mean by mental illness being the face of dissent. How does she confront the townspeople? Give us an idea of her anger and drive rather than just the lesson she'll learn in the end. I do think the idea of living in the school bus is interesting; that's the thing that hooks me most.
ReplyDeleteI think with this you have a lot of cool things going on, but I'm not entirely sure what the actual story is about. Is it what happens at the funeral? Is it what happens when she's a child? I think I just want it to be a little clearer about what the actual focus of the story is, and what the stakes are for Cotton, rather than the lesson's she's learned.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this! I'm really intrigued!
There is a lot here to like, but it felt overly long. I think you can shorten it up and still have the same impact. The second half could be cleaned up, but I'm very intrigued and would be interested in reading it!
ReplyDeleteIt's not super-clear from this where exactly your story is. Is it told from various times of her life? Or just from her adult perspective?
ReplyDeleteIf the latter:
When Cotton Sparrow returns home for her mother's funeral, she must face the people she has carried a justified sense of anger against for turning their backs on her family when she was a child, only to learn that the major factor in her childhood misery was not their unwillingness to help, but her mother's own untreated mental illness.
Mine is a crazy run on sentence! But the general idea is there.
Ok, maybe:
ReplyDeleteWhen Cotton Sparrow returns home for her mother's funeral, she learns that the major factor in her childhood misery might not have been their unwillingness to help her family, but her mother's own untreated mental illness.
Wow, that's some awesome help above. If the story stafts at the funeral you've got some awesome advice/example. I would definitely read this. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but I don't understand what the character wants, or the consequences for Cotton if she succeeds/fails. Does she want revenge/sympathy/peace of mind?
ReplyDeleteFrom the first line, I understand her provocation, but where does it lead?
Would love to read the book, but I think it will reach the shelves faster if you you can streamline the logline.
ReplyDeleteI am guessing that the struggle Cotton faces isn't learning about her mother's illness, but admitting the reality of it. After all, it is easier to blame strangers for an awful childhood than her mother.
Take another look at the word dissent. There is probably a better impact word here.
I'm also confused about when the story takes place (in her childhood or at the funeral), and I don't know what her goal is or what she needs to do to accomplish it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone above. It sounds like it could be cool literary fiction, but right now the logline is a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind the first line but when I get to the second line, the first one suddenly sounds like backstory. What is the "now" story here? Her confronting the people? If so, what does she hope to achieve and how will these people make it difficult for her to do so?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This sounds like a good lit fiction premise. I think what bothers me is that it sounds like Cotton finding out her mother's illness was the reason for her own suffering is the end of the story, rather than something that is going to kick off a story. I can't see where the conflict is going to escalate from there.
ReplyDeletei second ewokove - great premise but needs a little clarification witht he last line.
ReplyDeleteCotton Sparrow (love the name) takes a lifetime to come to terms with her mother's illness? And blames it all on the townspeople? I hope she learned some positive lessons as well. I would be more interested in this book if the logline delivered a positive sense of Cotton's growth - or if you have something else in mind - her own descent into madness.
ReplyDelete