TITLE: Summer Lake
GENRE: YA Historical
All I’ve ever wanted is freedom from the paralyzing fear that has haunted me for the last seventeen years. To not have to watch over my shoulder every time I hear footsteps. To not be afraid of what might happen when I turn my back.
It’s only been a few hours, but I finally have it. And it feels damn good. I can breathe easy knowing I’m safe from the shadows that haunt me.
I lean forward, my elbows pressing into the rickety railing that surrounds the wood plank deck. It creaks and groans as I push on it. It’s weathered and beaten with white paint peeling off in uneven patches, exposing the raw wood underneath to the harsh elements.
A fresh start - that’s what this summer will be. A chance to figure things out without distraction. Without being held back by fear.
“Are you going to be ok over here tonight?” My grandmother approaches me from behind, her footsteps echoing in the stillness of the night. An owl hoots in the distance, the sound bouncing off the lake and echoing into the trees.
“Yeah, I’m looking forward to being alone.” I watch the reflection of the moon dance on the water, graceful, like a ballerina.
“I’m glad you decided to come up here for the summer.” Her arm brushes mine as she joins me next to the railing. Side by side, we stare out into the inky blackness of the night.
“There was no way I could stay with my mom."
Personally, I would cut the first two paragraphs and jump straight to the action. They're very general and don't tell us anything about your character that we don't already get from what comes right after them. Otherwise, I love your use of description, and I'd definitely read on. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMy problem with this excerpt is that I learn practically nothing about the main character--not even if it's a boy or a girl. And while the description says this is historical, I don't see anything that tells me I'm not in modern day. I think that you need to give a greater sense of character and setting in your opening paragraphs to hook readers.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above. Don't data dump in the first 2 paragraphs. Drop feed the info in over the first few pages. I still likes it though. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteAFter reading the first sentence, my first reaction was - fear of what? NOt telling me is frustrating. It doesn't make me want to read more. If you tell me what she fears, then I have a reason to read on. I want to know why? WHat happened in her past? How did she overcome her fear?
ReplyDeleteI also agree about adding something to give us a sense of place and time. WHere is she? WHat year or decade are we in?
I'd suggest omitting the explanation of the first to pargs, and just get us into the story.
AFter reading the first sentence, my first reaction was - fear of what? NOt telling me is frustrating. It doesn't make me want to read more. If you tell me what she fears, then I have a reason to read on. I want to know why? WHat happened in her past? How did she overcome her fear?
ReplyDeleteI also agree about adding something to give us a sense of place and time. WHere is she? WHat year or decade are we in?
I'd suggest omitting the explanation of the first to pargs, and just get us into the story.
The 1st paragraph makes me think the MC (M/F?) wouldn't want to be left alone. The ambiguous it at the end of the 1st line in the 2nd paragraph confused me.
ReplyDeleteAlso agree there is no indicator of this being historical vs modern day.
I think beginning with the "freedom from paralyzing fear" is fine. The fact that you don't tell us what kind of fear makes me want to read on. However, rewording the "it" in "I finally have it" would help. The reference to an antecedent is a bit too vague.
ReplyDeleteYour write is clean, clear, and fresh. I would read on.
I agree with some of the others that there's nothing here to make me feel like this is historical. I personally find it difficult to read historical in present tense. It just feels odd to me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this - you have some beautiful writing!
I agree on cutting, but maybe just the first paragraph. It reads very dramatic, but what follows doesn't quite give us context. The phrase "shadows that haunt me" feels vague but not necessarily enticing. Is there a way to say something in a more fresh, new way? Maybe whatever shadows haunts your MC can reveal a bit of historical detail; something more specific, even if you aren't giving away the whole plot. More specifics woven through out, just little snippets, will pull me in. This seems a bit too vague yet.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to know what era this is. Just one line with a specific detail is all you need this early in.
I like the opening two paragraphs here, but I'd like to see a little more about what she's hiding from. And I would have guessed this was a contemporary paranormal if I hadn't seen the genre tag. I think it's important, especially in historical, that the voice immediately ground us in the setting, by its style, not just by dropping details about where/when we are. And the "shadows" definitely give it a paranormal feel.
ReplyDeleteOnce the dialogue starts, the rhythm seemed a little off to me. Their cadences are very modern, and I don't feel like I learn much about the characters from the conversation they have. That may be a feature of how little we see of it, however.
You write well, but I think this could stand out more from other YA novels than it does right now with the choice of some precise details.