TITLE: Prime Vector
GENRE: NA Science Fiction
Soon, Catita will become a host and live forever. Or, at least, that’s her plan. But, it’s not just about the living forever part. Although, she’s yet to meet someone that can resist such a gift. No, she’d like to think her intentions are much more noble than that.
You've set up an intriguing sci-fi premise, but I have no sense of time or place. Perhaps you can ground us in the scene before giving us Catita's thoughts? Just something to think about because I don't have the broader context of the first page.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I really couldn't get past all the unnecessary commas to the gist of the story. The only one you need is in the last sentence. All the others just make the lines seem fragmented. It was too hard for me to concentrate on the words.
ReplyDeleteThe commas are unnecessary, but I just read it without them and had no problem concentrating on the words. This sounds more like a pitch than an opening to a novel. Maybe you could start with action? It might help if you get away from the "telling voice" and instead give us a stronger sense of place. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments, mostly. This sounds like an explanation of the MC's thoughts rather than a novel opening. I'd look to establish an actual setting here and layer in the MC's thoughts in an active scene. Ditto with the comma comments.
ReplyDeleteThis is an info dump to set the scene, rather than an opening about Catita.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm afraid I have to agree with previous comments. I'm not getting a sense of Catita's character and I'm getting WAY too much of a sense of everything she's thinking rather than a sense of time and place.
ReplyDeleteYour sentence structures are very repetitive: "Soon,…" "Or,…" "But,…" "Although,…" "No,…" and S3's comma use is doubleplusungood (no comma needed after "but").
I don't want to be hard on you, but I'm afraid an agent would read this and reject it immediately. Also, I'm wondering how overdone the "host" concept is (didn't Stephenie Meyer do one of those?).
All that said, I'm not seeing anything here that can't be fixed.
Christina (entry #15)
I agree with Lynette. I'm not seeing any actions yet. Just thoughts. Although good throughts, that make me curious.
ReplyDeleteI think the concept of your story is intriguing, but I think instead of revealing all of this information right at the beginning you should slowly reveal these details. I'm not quite grounded in the setting of the story, but I do clearly get the impression that this story is sci-fi. Also, the commas are misplaced and make the entry choppy. However, this is only a minor mistake and can be easily fixed.
ReplyDelete