TITLE: THE FALCON QUEEN
GENRE: YA - Fantasy
The darkness at the bottom of the dungeon steps ebbs like water. It’s safe, I remind myself. The war is over. He can’t do anything more to us. An itch crawls up my spine as I turn away, memories of the battle skittering through my mind. I turn back. I need to understand why he did what he did.
The steps disappear, eaten up by gloom. My foot slides on their damp surface, slowing my descent to a crawl. Dank air swirls around me. I wrap my arms around my chest to smother my shivers.
“Who goes there?”
Hurried footsteps accompany the voice and a guard emerges. His hand drops from his weapon and he smiles when he sees me.
“Oh, it’s you, Sir.”
As our army grew, what to call me caused some consternation. Lavie was too informal for one so close to the prince, but any man who called me Lady would earn a swift kick for his trouble. So they call me Sir, or sometimes Sir Knight, after Prince Brendan touched my shoulders with his sword following the Battle of the Bloody Waterfall. It’s more than a title. It’s who I am. No longer a girl playing with a blunted tourney sword, but a practiced killer.
The first time I killed a man, the very sound of it made me retch. The second one turned my stomach, but I’d kept down my food. Same with the third and fourth. Somewhere along the way I stopped counting and stopped caring.
The first paragraph does a great job of telling us what the MC is feeling and the tenseness of the scene. Though, I do not get a strong sense of where she is or what she's doing. It switches very quickly from intensity and fear to the familiarity of the guard.
ReplyDelete"Lavie was too informal for one so close to the prince." Here I was a bit confused if she was speaking of herself, if her name was Lavie or someone else close to the prince.
The last paragraph is a great way to keep the reader wanting more. At least, for myself. With only a few things to clear up, I think it sounds like something I would definitely read.
Best of luck!
A girl turned knight who's been through a war and is still haunted by it-I'd read that!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'd change in the first paragraph are the references to "he." Since what he did seems to haunt her, I want more info and at least a name.
I was thrown as well by the "Sir" and then the explanation of her name, more because "Lavie" isn't common or obviously female.
Nice sense of character in this first page.
A girl turned knight who's been through a war and is still haunted by it-I'd read that!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'd change in the first paragraph are the references to "he." Since what he did seems to haunt her, I want more info and at least a name.
I was thrown as well by the "Sir" and then the explanation of her name, more because "Lavie" isn't common or obviously female.
Nice sense of character in this first page.
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ReplyDeleteI love your first line - great visual. I think you should make it more apparent who the he is. Also, I feel like there could be a better name that Sir. But, I would read more for sure.
ReplyDeleteYou start out strong. Good opening. I got a good feel for the setting. The first line of dialogue confused me, because I wasn't sure if the narrator was hearing it or speaking. If your last paragraph is followed by more back story, I'd cut it. Keep us in the scene. Probably fine to leave it if you are going back to the present in the next sentence. Good start.
ReplyDeleteLady knights are definitely one of my all time favorite character types, so you have me from that alone, but I think this is a strong opening! I particularly love the sense of character you've achieved in such a short time.
ReplyDeleteA couple of critiques. I think you can cut your last paragraph. It doesn't tell me anything new--I already know she's a trained killer but wasn't always, and I don't need it illustrated yet. Instead it just takes me away from the setting you've created and the tension of wondering why Lavie is in the dungeon and who "he" is.
And speaking of "he," I don't think you can get away with referring to him so vaguely three times in your opening paragraph. I assume you want to keep his identity a secret for now--that's fine, but right now it's heavy-handed, and that takes me out of the story. Instead of "I need to understand why he did what he did" you can say "I need information" or something similar so you're not always referring to this obscure figure. If I'm wrong and you're not trying to hide his identity, then identify him and you're set!
Everything else looks good. I'd definitely keep reading this.
Thanks for the entry.
I really like the premise as well, but I also was confused with the Lavie and the Sir and then the Lady. I reread that sequence a few times wondering if maybe the narrator were the Price's gay lover only to get to the sentence at the end of the paragraph telling us the narrator is a girl -- I think you could move that up directly under the dialogue to expel any confusion. Also, I liked the opening paragraph that situated us in a scene and location, but I wasn't sure the simile in the very first sentence worked. I think you could start with the sentence "An itch crawled up my spine" and not lose anything and still drop us into the action. Great first 250 -- I want to keep reading!
ReplyDelete