TITLE: Heritage of Hate
GENRE: YA Contemporary
When fourteen year old Zoe discovers her birth father is alive, her search for the truth carries her towards a world her biracial family has hidden from her. From the shadows of a white supremacist group, her father hopes to destroy everything Zoe holds dear, in his own quest to leave behind a heritage of hate.
I’ve never seen a photograph of my first dad. Not ever in all my fourteen years on this planet. We married young. We married stupid. And then he died. That’s all my mom ever says about their life together. An entire marriage summed up in ten words.
“You must have some pictures,” I would say. “You didn’t take a wedding picture? Pictures when you were dating?”
“They got lost when we moved up here from California,” she’d remind me, as if I could remember a trip that took place twelve years ago.
“All of them? Every last one? Nanna and Poppa don’t have any?” I was relentless. It seemed completely impossible that there would be no evidence of my father anywhere. It was bad enough he’d never even met me.
“Cliff died when you were still in my tummy,” Mom told me a long time ago. “He never met you. Never knew you.” And her eyes would go blank and I could tell she wasn’t with me anymore but was somewhere in the past. With Cliff, maybe? I didn’t like that look on her face but it never stopped me from badgering her about photos.
I run my fingers over the snapshots in the shoebox sitting on my lap as I stare at the photograph I just found. Two adults. One baby.The woman’s dark curly hair surrounds her face.Her big brown eyes stare straight into the camera.Younger, but definitely Mom.
I am intrigued, and left with questions (which is a good thing), especially who the second adult in the photo is. I think the idea of a young teenager wanting to know more about her birth father is a great plot driver. The only thing I'd suggest at this point is tightening the logline because it's not entirely clear what's going on.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing premise and intriguing first page. It's immediately clear how Zoe feels about her family situation, and I would keep reading to see how she handles it from here. Wishing you much success with this!
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph is stellar.... sets up the scene, has voice to it, and immediately creates a sense of empathy in the reader. I'm not sure if the follow dialog is needed or could be included later... it's backstory, which is fine, but it slows the flow and when you're trying to hook the reader early on, you want to minimize backstory.
ReplyDeleteYou've got the hard part down, which is obvious in that first paragraph. Voice. Very nice!
You've done a fantastic job with voice, and this is a book I'd like to read. I think the three paragraphs that follow the opening paragraph might be misplaced. They are beautifully written and very melancholy, and I wouldn't want to lose them -- but you might want to move them later. The conflict in the last paragraph hooked me again, big time, and I want to know what her father looks like. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragragh and the last don't tie together. Maybe change the first sentence to say, "I had never seen a picture...until today." or something like that. Or combine the first and last paragraph together and then go into the lies Zoe's mother repeated for fourteen years.
ReplyDeleteYou might consider condensing some of the backstory. Also, how did she find the shoebox? Will this be revealed in the first chapter? I would imagine she searched her mother's closets before trying to find photos, birth certificate, etc.
I'd read on. Anonymous (Sherry S.)
This is fabulous, interesting, great voice, very likeable character. If she knows this photo is her family, put something in the first paragraph (which is a great paragraph). If she has just found a photo but doesn't know the significance (doubtful if she recognizes Mom), then set us up a little more, for instance: We didn't have many photos, anyway. Which is why I was surprised to find this shoebox tucked behind the old suitcase in Mom's closet.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, excellent writing.
I like this too. I do agree with Anon up there about the first and last line are incongruent. Adding a today would fix that and make the backstory stronger, let us know why she's thinking of the past.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening parg. The last one, too, except we don't get to the point where she realized her father is white. That's the hook, and I'd suggest getting it on page one, which can be as simple as cutting everything beteeen the first and last pargs. It's info that can be gotten in after her discovery. Let her discover the truth then she can think that's why there are no photos of him, why mom won't talk about him, etc.
ReplyDeleteThis is great, and you have a clear logline that lets us know what's at stake. I really like the writing voice here.
ReplyDeleteOne thing with this much lead-up to finding the photo is that it broke me out of the story. For example, it was enough for the mom just to say "It was lost when we moved to California." That's fine. And then when she asks about Nonna and Poppa too, it's become redundant. We've already understood as readers that there is no info available.
You've got a great setup here, and nice voice. Well done!
You have a great pitch which could do with a bit of tightening. We're seeing it from Zoe's perspective for the first sentence of the pitch, but then with "From the shadows of a white supremacist group, her father hopes to destroy everything Zoe holds dear," I feel we're in the father's head, and it's jarring. Perhaps just reword it so we stay in her head. But I love your title and I love how you've woven it into your pitch. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI liked your opening lines, particularly "We married young. We married stupid. And then he died."
I feel, though, that you go into too much detail about the photos, with question after question that feels slightly annoying. I'd tighten up this.
"“Cliff died when you were still in my tummy.” I know she was told this a long time ago, but "in my tummy" doesn't sound right. I feel like I've been dunked into a middle-grade novel. "When I was still pregnant with you" or something along those lines might read better.
Beautiful line - "And her eyes would go blank and I could tell she wasn’t with me anymore but was somewhere in the past."
All the best for Tuesday!
Excellent. Wonderful first paragraph. Two small things: Delete the word "completely" from paragraph 4. Your last two paragraphs could be tightened just a bit, but this is a very good sample.
ReplyDeleteThe pitch pretty much just rocks. There’s a tough of the generic in the first sentence which might benefit by being split into two shorter, punchier sentences (same with the second…this pitch has two rather run-on type sentences). With the second sentence, the kicker is what her father hopes to do to Zoe, which is lessened by 1) the generic and vague ‘destroy everything Zoe holds dear’ and 2) the fact that HIS quest is second, and therefore serves as the final punch the reader remembers. As this YA, the father’s quest is of far less concern to the reader than Zoe’s quest. Highlight her.
ReplyDeleteI’ve never seen a photograph of my first dad. Not ever in all my fourteen years on this planet. We married young. We married stupid. And then he died. That’s all my mom ever says about their life together. An entire marriage summed up in ten words.
Fast, quick, kicky, with that lovely ‘first’ in that first line to shade a mystery with very little work. Just wonderful.
“You must have some pictures,” I would say. “You didn’t take a wedding picture? Pictures when you were dating?”
‘I would say’ could be ‘I’d say’ but at this point I’m nitpicking…
“They got lost when we moved up here from California,” she’d remind me, as if I could remember a trip that took place twelve years ago.
Usual note to not use anything other than ‘say’ or ‘ask’ for dialogue tags…but I understand you’re use here of ‘remind me’ which is breaking a rule that I assume you’ll earn (since this is only the second tag, the first one having ‘would’ leaves me hesitant to say you’ve already earned the right to break that rule :D). But the dialogue and characterization and everything else in this so far is spot on.
“All of them? Every last one? Nanna and Poppa don’t have any?” I was relentless. It seemed completely impossible that there would be no evidence of my father anywhere. It was bad enough he’d never even met me.
‘completely’ isn’t necessary, and it’s clunky. Any ‘ly’ words are unnecessary and clunky for the most part. Also, do a search on the word ‘that.’ While it’s grammatically correct, it tends to be overused and serves to disrupt the flow of most sentences that don’t ‘technically’ need it. You’re writing fiction, you don’t need to be 100% grammatically correct (don’t tell Authoress I said that…) and ‘that’ should be one of the first things to go. Always
“Cliff died when you were still in my tummy,” Mom told me a long time ago. “He never met you. Never knew you.” And her eyes would go blank and I could tell she wasn’t with me anymore but was somewhere in the past. With Cliff, maybe? I didn’t like that look on her face but it never stopped me from badgering her about photos.
Not sure if ‘And’ is needed there after the dialogue. Personal preference, I suppose. Another word(s) to search for is ‘was’ and ‘wasn’t’ They’re flags for passive writing, and overused to boot…so it’s always good to delete as many as you can. (you should also be keeping a list of words/phrases you overuse in your writing so that you can, as one of the last steps in revising/editing search for each and every one and clean them up…my list is approaching 100 words). Simply removing ‘was’ from that line helps, for instance. “On her face’ isn’t needed.
I run my fingers over the snapshots in the shoebox sitting on my lap as I stare at the photograph I just found. Two adults. One baby.The woman’s dark curly hair surrounds her face.Her big brown eyes stare straight into the camera.Younger, but definitely Mom.
Am I missing something or is this the first mention of the snapshots? If it is, some foreshadowing needs to be weaved in so we’re not wondering what she’s referring to. You need to earn surprises, with little hints along the way so the reader knows. Other than that, this is a must read more sort of thing. Well done!
I love your longline--sounds like a great story, and I love that your writing is straightforward and easy to read. Maybe the last paragraph needs to go at the beginning though so you ground the reader and establish a scene, rather than start with memories? I also might scrap the line "It was bad enough he’d never even met me." It didn't seem to flow with the line before it, and you basically say the same thing in the line following which is that he died before baby was born. Sounds like a really interesting story!
ReplyDelete