TITLE: NECESSARY ACTION
GENRE: Adult Suspense / Thriller
NICHOLAS MAREK hunts his father’s assassin while trying to evade a mole in the Department of Defense. The killer targets him after he refuses an assignment to take the life of a fellow agent. With the rogue agent on his trail, Nicholas must outmaneuver his mentor to survive. CHRISTINE DETRICK and her daughter team with him to unravel a web of collusion and expose the stratagem behind the assassination of Senator BEN MAREK.
Sounds like a great suspense. I did get a little lost with the many tags: Father's assassin, killer, fellow agent, rogue agent, mentor and three characters... Try to rewrite this with just the MC, his goal and stakes. Consider deleting Christine and Ben from pitch. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLooks like you've cut this from a proposal the way the characters' names are capitalized. Unnecessary here. Also, I didn't realize right away that the senator was his father until I noticed the same last name.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a very cool story. I would eliminate a couple of the characters from the pitch and focus on whichever conflict you think is the most central. I also found the idea that his assassinated father was a senator to be quite compelling. So I'd suggest combining that in with the first sentence somehow rather than leaving it until the end. I also wasn't totally clear whether Nicholas worked at the DoD. If so then again I'd maybe add in that info to the first sentence. (e.g. Special Agent Nicholas...) I liked the title as well!
ReplyDeleteThis feels a little too much like a summary, and less like a pitch. I see that he has emotional stakes because of the murder of his father, but I don't feel those stakes here. I also feel disconnected from the characters. Too many are mentioned in this short pitch, so I feel as though there isn't enough time to latch on to any one of them.
ReplyDeleteYou have 8 characters in one tiny pitch which is WAY too many. Focus on his goal and on the obstacles to that goal. We don't need to know everyone involved in the story.
ReplyDeleteHolly
I agree that this feels more like a summary than a pitch. I would avoid using three characters names too (unless it's told in 3 POV's). I think you could definitely condense and just give us enough to make us want to know more.
ReplyDeleteDitto above. Great story possibilities. Focus on MC goals, hurdles, big stakes. I'd read more.
ReplyDelete