Dear Ms. Meadows,
Moving to England on a whim brought the excitement back into Sabrina’s life; within days, she shared a real-life encounter with a man she had seen in her dreams. Sabrina is quickly immersed in a dangerous and passionate affair. Yet even as her relationship grows stronger, still she dreams of him nightly.
She soon discovers that the man who visits her in her dreams is not her lover, but is instead his twin brother. They are not on speaking terms due to a quarrel over a woman they had both loved, and lost. Now she stands between two brothers, conflicted in the knowledge that she is not the first woman to drive them apart. Worse yet, a dangerous enemy has reemerged and will stop at nothing to rid the brothers of Sabrina. Permanently.
As she navigates a shadowy world she has never known existed, Sabrina is forced to acknowledge that sometimes past grudges must be set aside to save those who matter most.
Reclaimed is a romantic suspense manuscript that is complete at 84,000 words. I follow your twitter and read your blog, and was fairly sure that you would enjoy my manuscript.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Prologue
It was turning out to be a horrible night. Nothing seemed to make sense to her anymore, nothing at all. Her head was throbbing and every possible spot on her body felt broken or bruised. She couldn’t seem to remember how she had gotten there in the first place. What had led her to this point? Was it love? Was it lies? Was it one precise moment in time where her ultimate fate had been decided, against her will? Maybe it was meant to be all along, unbeknownst to her. Unavoidable.
These were answers that she could not figure out. She was fairly certain she would never get the chance to try either. For on this night, it seemed that she was destined to die. She could not say that she was ready; she had so much more to do and to see. Her life had just truly begun. She had found love and was finally ready to be happy. The odds had been stacked highly against them but they had overcome it all. That is how she should have known it would all end. It had beyond doubt been too good to be true.
God, it was so dark. She could hear her breathing, erratic and uncontrollable. Each breath took an immense amount of effort, sounding unbelievably loud in her ears, easily drowning out the sound of the storm raging above her.
Her breathing was getting weaker with each shaky gulp of air.
Why wouldn't she dream of the man she's with and loves if her relationship is growing?
ReplyDeleteWait...I'm confused. From the first paragraph, I thought she met a man from her dreams, then after the "real life encounter" starts a "dangerous and passionate affair" with *him*. Then, it seems, that the man in her dreams is *not* her lover, but his brother?
There are too many switcheroos here for me to read this casually--I had to re-read it several times to understand. If this were simplified, I think I'd get it, but as is, I'd have to pass on reading more pages.
I thought the query was intrigueing enough to read the 250 words, but they didn't sufficiently draw me in. Although there was some nice tension, the vagueness as to what exactly is going on and why ultimately caused me to lose interest.
ReplyDeleteThank for the comments so far. I was actually just debating scratching the prologue entirely, so thanks for the imput on that too.
ReplyDeleteI will have to see what I can do to clairify the man in dreams/real life man issue.
Query:
ReplyDeleteThis is a paranormal romance... right?
Query: Yes...ish. Not my thing, but I thought it was a good premise and presented well.
Snippet: I'd honestly skim this were it a book. I'm guessing it's a dream.
Not hooked. It started off well but the vague mentions of dangerous enemies sound cliche. This might be because you don't really explain it beyond the initial mention. Also, I got a little confused on which "she" you were talking about in the second paragraph (whether it was Sabrina or the other woman).
ReplyDeleteI'm a definite maybe. I loved your query, but the 250 ... well I guess I don't like prologues so much. I'd read on. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteMy revised query:
ReplyDeleteSabrina moved to England on a whim and found more than she ever bargained for. Within days, she shared a real-life encounter with a man she had seen only in her dreams. She is quickly immersed in a dangerous and passionate love that transcends beyond even her wildest imagination – and she writes fiction for a living!
She soon realizes that the man she is falling in love with has an estranged twin brother. Now Sabrina finds herself torn between these two brothers, conflicted in the knowledge that she is not the first woman to drive them apart. Worse yet, an old enemy has reemerged who will stop at nothing to rid the brothers of Sabrina. Permanently.
In order to establish a foreseeable and solid future, Sabrina must ultimately deal with a tumultuous past. As she navigates a shadowy world she has never known existed, Sabrina is forced to acknowledge that sometimes past grudges must be set aside to save those who matter most.
Reclaimed is a romantic suspense manuscript that is complete at 84,000 words. I saw from your listing on Publishers Marketplace that you were interested in romance novels, and I hope you find mine to your liking.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jennifer McLaughlin
I think it's an interesting premise, but I'm still confused even after your revised query how she's coming between the twin brothers. It sounds like she's just got something going on with one of them. And the first 250 don't drop me in the action. I'm not sure what's going on.
ReplyDeleteHmm maybe this (love all the feedback here!!!):
ReplyDeleteWhen Sabrina moves to England on a whim, she gets more than she bargained for. Suddenly, she finds herself meeting the same man who had been visiting her nightly in her dreams. Sabrina is quickly immersed in a passionate affair that grows stronger every day, yet still she dreams of him.
When Sabrina learns that the man she has fallen in love with has a dangerous twin brother, she soon realizes that the man she dreams of and the man she has grown to love are two separate people. Sabrina finds herself torn between these two brothers, conflicted in the knowledge that she is not the first woman to drive them apart.
In order to establish a foreseeable and solid future, Sabrina must first deal with a tumultuous past. As she navigates a shadowy world she has never known existed, Sabrina is forced to acknowledge that sometimes love, and life, is not as black and white as it may seem.
Reclaimed is a romantic suspense manuscript that is complete at 84,000 words. I saw from your listing on Publishers Marketplace that you were interested in romance novels, and I hope you find mine to your liking.
Not hooked by the first version or any of the revisions, sorry. I'm not seeing the love triangle here. She fell in love with the real life guy. Why does it matter if he's not the guy she's dreaming about? Did she only love him b/c of the dreams?
ReplyDeleteIs this a modern-day setting? Because if so, moving to England on a whim (if she's not from an EU country) is NOT happening. Unless she comes over on a visitor visa and decides to stay illegally, or something.
ReplyDeleteNot that this couldn't be ignored. I read part of a Katie Macalister romance in which the main character blithely ignores immigration laws. But if your novel is grounded in an illegal act, you might want to think about it a bit more.
Easy fix: one of her grandparents was British and she for some reason has a UK passport through them. (Maybe it's part of her tumultuous past?)
Sorry to sound nitpicy. Good luck!
yet again... (hahahaha)
ReplyDeleteWhen Sabrina moves to England, she gets more than she bargained for when she meets the man that has been, strangely enough, coming to her in her dreams. After she gets over the shock of seeing Isaac outside of her admittedly vivid imagination, she begins to wonder how he’s able to get into her mind in the first place. The shocking answers catapult her into navigating a shadowy world she has never known existed.
As they embark on a dangerous and passionate affair, Sabrina realizes that a bitter enemy intent on revenge from Isaac's past will stop at nothing to remove her from Isaac’s arms. Permanently. In order to establish a foreseeable and solid future, it becomes painfully obvious that Sabrina must ultimately deal with a tumultuous past. As she navigates a shadowy world she has never known existed, Sabrina must fight for her newfound love…and her life.
Reclaimed is a romantic suspense manuscript that is complete at 84,000 words. I saw from your listing on Publishers Marketplace that you were interested in romance novels, and I hope you find mine to your liking.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jennifer McLaughlin
Oh, and Tracey you are right! I should adress that, huh?
ReplyDeleteHi Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see you give more details about the shadowy world that she never knew existed (this phrase occurs twice in your last revision btw). It seems like this is where a lot of the suspense will come from.
In the first sentence, I'd change "man that" to "man who", I'd delete the "strangely enough" and I'd use "appearing" instead of "coming". After that I think it's improved.
I think it's a good decision to ditch the prologue. I wasn't sure if it was a dream or a flash forward. Either way, it's too vague. Start with your first chapter.
Thanks Bron! I have revised it (again). I have deleted the prologue. I appreciate your advice, and have changed it accordingly. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen Sabrina moves to England, she gets more than she bargained for when she meets the man who has been appearing to her in her dreams. After she gets over the shock of seeing Isaac outside of her admittedly vivid imagination, she begins to wonder how he’s able to get into her mind in the first place. The shocking answers catapult her into a world where dangerous creatures roam freely alongside unsuspecting humans, and battle lines are clearly drawn.
As they embark on a dangerous and passionate affair, Sabrina realizes that a bitter enemy intent on revenge from Isaac's past will stop at nothing to remove her from Isaac’s arms. Permanently. In order to establish a foreseeable and solid future, it becomes obvious that Sabrina must ultimately deal with a tumultuous past. As she navigates a shadowy world she has never known existed, Sabrina must fight for her newfound love…and her life.
Reclaimed is a romantic suspense manuscript that is complete at 84,000 words. I saw from your listing on Publishers Marketplace that you were interested in romance novels, and I hope you find mine to your liking.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
I didn't read the revised versions; I simply don't have time, and I think I remember Authoress asking people not to post revisions (but I might be misremembering).
ReplyDeleteThe query was decent. I didn't have a problem with keeping track of the different men, but I wasn't drawn in by this problem, or Sabrina being in danger because of her connection to these men. (Why, even? Dangerous enemies are cool, but this one seems randomly there to menace Sabrina.)
The pages didn't draw me in at all. I'm not a fan of prologues at the best of times, and get the feeling this is one of those that actually comes at the end of the manuscript, it's just in the front to add tension where there might otherwise be none. That, or it's a dream.
The writer personalizes her query by mentioning she follows my Twitter (capitalized proper noun) and blog, and is *fairly* sure I would enjoy her manuscript. I'd drop the fairly; confidence is important.