TITLE: THE MAGICAL REAL LIVES OF ZOË BELL & HENRY REDFOOT
GENRE: Middle Grade
My name is Zoë Bell, in case you’re curious, which you probably are because you wouldn’t be reading this book if you weren’t. Unless it’s an assignment at school or the only book that washed ashore on a deserted island. If so, I hope you like it anyway because either way you’re stuck with it.
This book is about me. But not just me, even though I could write a book just about me if I wanted to and I still think it would be pretty good. This book is actually part about me and part about a boy named Henry Redfoot. It also features a pair of Russian acrobats, a circus promoter with overactive sweat glands, an albino Burmese python and other characters who you’ll meet later.
At the beginning of this book, which is where I’ve decided to start—even though I do like books that start at the end and work backward, or start in the middle and skip around till they get to the end, which might just be the beginning—anyway, at the beginning of this book, which is also the real beginning, Henry and I lived in an orphanage. We lived in an orphanage because we were both orphans back then. We are both orphans now too, so if you just got your hopes up about the book ending with us being adopted by a sweet couple named Juliet and David Honeysugarcandyland you should put your hopes back down. It doesn’t end that way.
Good voice. I think you've captured the age well. I'd be careful that it's doesn't ramble in places (just a bit of tweaking) but otherwise you've created a unique cast of characters that I think would make any kid want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of characters talking to the readers mostly because it takes me completely out of the story. Here you've spent your first page talking about the story but not starting it. Although the MC sounds quite spunky and has a great voice and attitude, I think you'd be better served by skipping all his intro and letting the MC's voice and circumstances come out in the story.
ReplyDeleteAgree with LaurieK - the opening rambles a bit too much, and the first two paragraphs really pull me out of the story. I would start midway through the third paragraph, and cut some of the back-and-forth qualifying stuff.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice and would keep reading. I agree with Courtney, though, that it can get a bit too much, so be light with it. A little goes a long way. Specifically, the thoughts on the beginning/middles of stories starts to distance me.
ReplyDeleteI do think you can start with just the voice when it's this fun.
I agree with others who have said I was put off by the narrator. Please take the following with a grain of salt - I felt she was bordering on obnoxious rather than just spunky. "If so, I hope you like it anyway because either way, you're stuck with it." I imagine a kid setting the book down just to prove you wrong.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure the MC addressing the reader is necessarily the problem as much as HOW she's addressing the reader. Endear her to us, and we'll be in love and won't care if the story doesn't start for another couple of pages.
Reminds me a bit of Lemony Snicket. The writing's great, and I like the voice, but I'm not sure about opening like this. I think the enticing details about characters to come can be omitted; that's the kind of thing to include on the back cover, not in the character's initial speech.
ReplyDeleteI also found the attitude of the voice a bit too much. I like the idea of her talking to us, but the rambling quality was hard for me to follow and didn't really pull me in. Also, I don't want to know anything about the ending before the story has begun. I'd prefer it to unfold naturally.
ReplyDelete'You're stuck with it'...err...no I'm not. The kid talks too much. Orphans are a cliche. I'm not very inclined to read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read on, because i like the voice.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably say 'at the beginning of this story" for that last paragraph, because the reader already knows that they've started with the beginning of the book.
YES!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely read on and keep high hopes you can keep the energy going through the rest of the book.
I would definitely read on. I like the main character, although i agree that perhaps it's a bit too long. I agree with florkincaid that it's a bit like Lemony Snickett.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has an opinion...Here is mine!
ReplyDeleteI agree with most written so no used beating a dead horse but the point of rambling is what came to my mind first.
It is very smart how you approached the beginning, just tighten it up!
I'm not hooked. I love the names, and I think the 2nd paragraph could be the back of the book description. But overall, I feel like Zoe is stalling. I kept thinking, get on with it already. You have a fun voice, but I think you need to find the beginning of this story and start there.
ReplyDeleteAs a reader, and I read a lot of MG novels, I'm not a big fan of this style. Lemony Snicket did it originally and well and lifted the bar for others, I think.
ReplyDeleteThis reads like the author is trying to convince me to read the book because it has all these great things to come. A sort of "stay with me, it gets good." I'd rather not be told about the story - show it to me.
Good luck!
I have to say that it's cute... I think you do the talk to the reader a little too much... but it kinda works!
ReplyDeleteI can totally imagine reading this to the second graders, and the way the narrator talks to them would totally grab their attention!
Ya know what... I kinda love it!
Yep, this is definitely love-it-or-hate-it writing. Personally, I would find it tiring to read this voice for 200 pages, and would rather just get to the action.
ReplyDeleteIt's the being told what to think and do that bugs me, I guess. I'm one of those who will close the book at the "too bad, you're stuck with it" line.
If she kept some of the same voice but got right down to telling me about Henry and the orphanage, I'd be a lot more engaged.
I like the voice, even the rambling. It strikes me as very kid-like. That being said, I kept thinking ...
ReplyDeleteGet on with the good stuff already!
I think my problem is that your MC is telling us about herself, instead of just letting us watch her in action to figure it out on our own. If it stopped there--at about 200 words--and then got on with the story, I'd probably read another 200 words or so to see if I liked it before making a decision.
Good luck!
I'm half and half. The voice is strong and I like her take on things, her tendency to ramble, her attempts to explain things until she the issue is convoluted - charming.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, the second paragraph turned me off entirely (of course, I have a pet peeve about narrators who say "This is about me" or "I'm special and different from everything else" or "I'm such a good person." While Zoe doesn't do the last two, the former has me assuming she will.)
Part of me is very interested in Zoe and wants more of her adventures. The other part wonders why Zoe is telling me all this unless she intends to document her long list of heroic exploits - in which case, I'm not quite so interested.
But she's funny, and the kids' names are amazing. So far, this has a lot going for it.
I like the voice, it's clever and charming. The first paragraph does strike me as a bit self-conscious, though. I like the 'talking to the reader' ploy in the next two paragraphs, but the first one feels like it's trying too hard.
ReplyDeleteThe last two sentences of the excerpt are what hooked me. They're funny and tantalizing -- if the kids don't get adopted, what does happen? I'd read on.
I would definitly read on (in fact, I was sad when I reached the end). I loved the voice, and already feel for the character. Good work.
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice in this. I think you got it pretty much perfect. It could probably do with less rambling, especially if the rest of the chapter (or the book) stays in the style without ever really "getting down to business. If it keeps up like it is now, it is going to get annoying very quickly.
ReplyDeleteI agree with florkincaid about the Lemony Snicket vibe, though it certainly sounds more optimistic than Snicket. I'm also in agreement with the "orphans are a cliché" statement, though I still think you could do some pretty awesome stuff with the story. I wouldn't put it down for being "an orphan story". I might put it down for "irritating narration" or "too much going on", but with only 250 words to go on, it's hard to say if I would.
Try experimenting with starting the story at the real start of the action (and then injecting the first couple paragraphs' backstory in after a page or so). You might like the results; you might not.
I don't know if I'm right about this, but I don't think agents like this kind of opening that you have in the first and maybe second paragraph of the book.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to go into a store and read these first two paragraph, I would have put it down.
I think you have an interesting story to tell, you just need to work on the introduction/beginning pages. (They're always hard anyways.)
Hope the secret agent feels differently from me!
Good Luck ;P
Okay, when I got to the 'you're stuck with it' I quit reading just to prove Zoe wrong. Not saying it was my most mature moment but that was my reaction. Then I went back to finish it but only because we are supposed to be giving feedback.
ReplyDeleteToo much telling me about what the book's about. Show me...get into the story. Too much stream-of-consciousness for my taste.
The talking to the reader isn't a problem for me but I get the feeling that Zoe is antagonistic toward me, the reader, so I don't like her much either. When she says she wasn't adopted, I'm not surprised. I like spunky but she comes across as rude and self-centered.
It could be a great story but get me into it and give me a chance to like the MC.
Hmm. I think the voice is strong, but I'm not convinced this is the best way to start the book--it feels a little cliché. I think it rambles a bit right now and could be strengthened by nixing some of the repetition (ex: the use of the word orphan/orphanage 3 times in the last paragraph.) I'd probably give it a few more pages to form an opinion.
ReplyDeleteNot Hooked. Your character sounds like she could be interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe setting and Redfoot sound interesting, too.
But you've just used a heck of a lot of words to say absolutely nothing.
Yeah, it might get better, but this was tedious to read. There's not enough here to make me read on.