TITLE: Outsourced
GENRE: Suspense
She stood at death's door, clinging to the promise that her visit beyond its threshold would be a brief one. Then she stepped inside.
Ella Laraway couldn't watch the make-believe autopsies on TV without shuddering, and this was going to be much worse. When the real-life detective who'd accompanied her from the parking lot had described what she'd be seeing, she'd assumed the monologue was routine for him. But his description of the body-identification process had made her queasy.
At least she wasn't alone. They walked in silence now, Ella and Detective Frank Bianchi, past a red arrow on the wall and a sign that read Viewing Room. Then they turned a corner to the swinging door that opened onto the Toronto morgue.
In her mind, Ella replayed Jim Kenyon's 9:00 AM call to her office to ask a personal favor. Although her heart usually beat a bit faster at the sound of his voice, it missed a beat this time when she learned the favor would be in the company of a detective, not him, and that he wanted her to identify a body so he wouldn't have to.
Jim told her that his son Jamie had disappeared, leaving behind a note explaining why. Jim didn't share the details with Ella, but from the stammering fear in his voice, it was obvious to her that Jamie's explanation was that he'd killed himself.
Hm ... I like it, but I wouldn't mind knowing who Jamie is to Ella and why she'd be going against her gut feelings to help him out like this.
ReplyDeleteI liked it though, I like the atmosphere you drew out.
Thanks!
I'd recommend some dialogue in the first scene. It feels a little heavy, like I'm spending all my time getting a feeling for this author's head instead of knowing what's really going on. Can you show some of her feelings through a conversation with the detective?
ReplyDeleteHow can she identify a body? She's unseasoned, right? But somehow she has special skills--so tell us somehow what those are--or at least indicate that. It's hard to critique one page since you could give us those details or lighten this up with dialogue in the next 200 words, but there are my two cents. :-)
Lots of telling here. Suggest showing and maybe starting with the phone call and adding more suspense.
ReplyDeleteAlso death's door is a bit cliched. Maybe describe what she sees instead?
I think you've erred with the "death's door" beginning - it seemed hackneyed, and the tone of that first graf almost makes this sound like a paranormal.
ReplyDeleteAnd while this is a scene that should be filled with tension, fully half of it is back story, told passively and it falls flat. Why not start with the 9 am phone call, as it happens? That would build tension beautifully. (But I had thought that family members were require to make identifications of bodies, unless no one else is available. And I have huge trouble believing that any father would shirk this task - and don't have much respect for anyone who would ask a female friend to do it for him instead.)
I really liked the first paragraph -- until I realized it wasn't really death's door, but the door to a morgue, which turns it into a cliche. As it is, these sentences promise paranormal, not murder/suspense.
ReplyDeleteI had some difficulty believing the situation; perhaps you should give a reason (or a hint of one) to explain why the MC was being asked to identify a body that could be a friend's child. Because otherwise, I was very intrigued to find out what she would see in the morgue and what happened to the boy and why her friend couldn't identify him. Nice work!
I really loved the first few sentences... and then I got lost in backstory-dump. You need to open with what's happening right here and now. Go with action. We can figure out that she's had a call from the man and that something has induced a visit to the morgue without it being spelled out.
ReplyDeleteI just can't seem to swallow the believability of this one. Unless she's family, it's doubtful they'd accept her identity of the body in the first place, and I highly doubt any father would refuse to visit his son in the morgue (or, as an above poster said, I don't think I'd want to know a father who *would*).
ReplyDeleteThe last two paragraphs felt very detached to me. I'm picturing someone actually asking, "Can you do a personal favor for me? Will you run down to the morgue and ID my son?" I think the word choices here are a bit too impersonal and distancing.
ReplyDeleteI also think you're giving the reader more info than necessary. It doesn't take stammering fear in a father's voice to clue the reader in that disappearance + note + no details + trip to morgue = suicide.
Also, I'm not quite sure where the morgue is located. I thought when the MC stepped through death's door at the beginning, she was in the morgue. But no, she has to walk down another hall, turn a corner and go through swinging doors and THEN she's in the morgue. So what threshhold did she actually cross in the beginning?
I like the title, though I immediately thought of something like the movie, Office Space, which is clearly not suspense.
ReplyDeleteI think you've begun too early, here. I would rather see Ella flinch and react at the sight of the body than read any of the lead up. That would put us immediately in the action, and you could introduce the characters afterward.
I would also suggest eliminating the first two sentences. I thought the character they referenced was dead, and then got confused when you introduced Ella, who is obviously alive.
If I'm right about what I think is going to happen, and the body is not Jamie's but someone else's, which draws Ella into the thick of the story? Let's get to it. :)
A little tweaking and I'd definitely read on.
I had the same problem as a few others. I don't believe the father wouldn't go down there himself. Perhaps he could ask her to go with him, maybe break down in the hall and not want to go in? Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteAnd perhaps say Ella Laraway in the first sentence instead of 'she' and cut the entire second paragraph. It's unnecessary. And perhaps cut the last paragraph, too, and just end with - he wanted her to identify a body so he wouldn't have to. His son Jaime had committed suicide.
Blogger keeps on eating my critiques. I'm going to try one more time, otherwise it'll be sent by email. :)
ReplyDelete(Sorry! Blogger eats the comments sometimes, even after they post. Hopefully this sticks.)
ReplyDeleteRE: the title—It feels a bit one-dimensional. I think you can probably find something a bit more interesting.
As for the text:
She stood at death's door, clinging to the promise that her visit beyond its threshold would be a brief one. Then she stepped inside.
I have no idea what’s happening here. This feels like a very vague, fluffy kind of group of sentences—I would cut this or make it more specific. “Death’s door” is also very cliché—the entire metaphor here is cliché.
Ella Laraway couldn't watch the make-believe autopsies on TV without shuddering, and this was going to be much worse. When the real-life detective who'd accompanied her from the parking lot had described what she'd be seeing, she'd assumed the monologue was routine for him. But his description of the body-identification process had made her queasy.
All of this is telling and not showing. I’d much prefer to see Ella and the detective walking and talking about this—seeing her reaction, hearing the way he described it, etc. That would be far more effective and interesting than this—here I’m pulled out of the urgency and immediacy of the story unfolding.
At least she wasn't alone. They walked in silence now, Ella and Detective Frank Bianchi, past a red arrow on the wall and a sign that read Viewing Room. Then they turned a corner to the swinging door that opened onto the Toronto morgue.
“At least she wasn’t alone” in what? In feeling queasy? Why is the detective queasy—you never give me any reason to believe that he is!
Otherwise, this is okay.
In her mind, Ella replayed Jim Kenyon's 9:00 AM call to her office to ask a personal favor. Although her heart usually beat a bit faster at the sound of his voice, it missed a beat this time when she learned the favor would be in the company of a detective, not him, and that he wanted her to identify a body so he wouldn't have to.
This is background information that isn’t necessary here—we can see Ella’s frustration about this later, when we first meet Jim Kenyon. You’re stalling the pace of the novel and again you lose the urgency; I want to know about the body, so you should get me to the point at which I learn that—trying to create this sense of tension or frustration by telling us this doesn’t do anything for you.
Jim told her that his son Jamie had disappeared, leaving behind a note explaining why. Jim didn't share the details with Ella, but from the stammering fear in his voice, it was obvious to her that Jamie's explanation was that he'd killed himself.
Again, this can come later—this can come when your character starts to analyze what she discovers. It will be more effective for you to show that this woman is concerned, tense, etc., about the body she thinks she may find (or whatever).
Also, I hope I’m misunderstanding here, but is Jim asking Ella to identify his own son? That doesn’t make sense to me—I don’t find it believable and it almost makes me dislike Ella, for letting that happen.
I’m not hooked—I don’t get a sense in this excerpt of why I should care about your MC—there are no questions raised here, at least not enough questions raised here, to carry me through to the next paragraph/page.
The above post was from the Secret Agent, not me! :)
ReplyDelete