TITLE: THE CROOKED BRIDGE
GENRE: COMMERCIAL FICTION
Sidney Bidwell was a busy guy. He drove fast, but how else would you drive a Porsche with a boxer engine? He never looked up from his very important text message to see the box truck slow to a halt. Sidney never felt a thing, which (had it made the news report) would have led some who knew him to say it just proves life isn't fair. The delay on the bridge that morning was brutal.
Sidney stumbled through dense, dank fog. He heard whistling, and moved toward the melody.
“That's one hell of a turn, isn't it, Sidney?”
“Where am I?” Sidney said. The little man clasped Sidney's hand between his own.
“You died, Sidney…a few minutes ago.” Pushing his arm away, Sidney stepped back.
“I'm not dead!” Sidney shouted. “How could I be dead? Who the hell are you?”
“Calm down, Sidney. I'm dead, you're dead…what's the difference? You died on the bridge. I'm Patrick...and I'm your only friend now.” Patrick pulled a shiny silver clipboard from under his arm, and read aloud. “You're forty five. Divorced, two kids.”
Sidney could hardly breathe. “How do you know that? Where am I?” his voice cracked.
Patrick leaned toward him, and raised his brow. “Where do you think you are, Sidney?”
“Am I in heaven?” Sidney whispered. Patrick burst out laughing.
“Heaven? That's rich! A foggy day, and another prick thinks he's in heaven.”
I love the premise of this story; I always enjoy stories about the afterlife that are irreverent and unexpected.
ReplyDeleteI thought the opening paragraph could use some editing to make it clearer and move faster. It took me several readings to make the connection that Sidney not feeling the crash and life not being fair means people who knew him thought he was a jerk. Also, the last line seems like it should have been earlier.
I laughed at the conversation between Patrick and Sidney, especially Patrick's last comment. I would definitely keep reading!
This is a nice opening, my only problem is that it feels a bit abrupt for me. I'd like a little more description, or build-up. Your dialogue has a great voice, and flows very naturally!
ReplyDeleteI love the wit here. My interpretation of the "life not fair" thing was that the traffic was backed up - which I thought was funny and dry.
ReplyDeleteMy main advice would be to watch the cliches ("Sidney could hardly breathe" - might be better if phrased in more interesting way - also "Patrick burst out laughing," even "dense, dank fog" feels a bit cliche-ish). Since this kind of thing has been done before (The Fifth Person You Meet in Heaven; Heaven Can Wait, etc) you need to be particularly careful to make yours fresh and new. That said, I think you can - and the wit is one way to get there.
Suggest deleting paragraph one, which is telling. Also, logic escapes me...if he's not even watching where he's driving, wouldn't an accident be an expected event? Maybe something more creative.
ReplyDeleteOr, start with paragraph two with a bit more description and more of Sidney's reactions to what's happening.
I would like a little more build up before - or seen a flashback on his part, but otherwise I like where this is going! Especially since there is so much you can do with an opening like this!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
I don't know anything about Sidney except that some people think he's a jerk, so when he dies and ends up in hell, I don't really care. And you haven't included anything that gives some indication of what his problem in hell will be.
ReplyDeletePerhaps give us a few paragraphs of Sydney's day, where you show him being a jerk, or whoever he is, and then the crash, so the reader has some vested interest in him.
now, I'm hooked...BUT...
ReplyDeleteI think you rushed into this death/hell/heaven bit way too fast. It's interesting, but give it a few more paragraphs, give the reader some insight into the MC - what he's feeling, get us invested into him. How'd he get such a nice car? What does he do for a living? Where is he driving fast to? WHy does he not care about speed limits? Or not reading Texts while driving? Give us a picture of who this guy is, what he did last night, what's on his mind...get us invested in him. THEN kill him, get him into the mist, have us like, what the hell! he's dead?! and then go from there.
I'm hooked, but slow down a bit. Give us something to chew on first...
I like how this opens. It's very creative and I love that you don't hold out that he's dead. The only thing this needs it to be a little tighter.
ReplyDeleteFor, example, I think you can strike "very important" from the third sentence.
I realize how constricted we are to hook the reader in 250 words, but not all books start that way. This had an intriguing beginning and I saw the potential for some really fine description here.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is snappy and the premise (although not new) seems to have a new twist.
I only hope this MC can redeem himself quickly so we can care about him.
Good job!
I really liked this! I would definitely keep reading to see if the guy is really dead or not, and what they are going to do with their death. Great dialogue; very easy to read.
ReplyDeleteSeems a bit passive - and you're relying on the puzzling setup to pull readers in, rather than getting the reader to care about either Sidney or Patrick. (And my brain sort of goes to, Oh, no, another dead-but-second-chance thing like "Heaven Can Wait." This sort of premise has to be really well done right off the bat to make it work.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. It's well done. I'm not saying it's perfect, but there's enough right things to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteloved the last line! it was freaking hilarious.
ReplyDeletei'd consider changing 'you' to he or someone.
boxer engine, box truck. i'd maybe say delivery truck. maybe i'm knit picking...
i'd gather he's not in heaven, so this isn't completely a heaven can wait story necessarily...
i'd read more due to the snarky wit.
I'm hooked. I would read more. I don't see how you could do more with only 250 words. I like how you showed us so many things about the MC based on others thoughts or words. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first paragraph, particularly the last two lines. But Sidney and Patrick's conversation feels a bit tiresome because we as readers know Sidney is dead, and it feels like we're hanging around waiting for him to accept it. I'd prefer this if we got to the last line sooner, which would give you room to introduce a hint of conflict. OK, so he's dead. But what is the story about? A second chance, an afterlife? I think you could go straight from, 'You died Sidney... a few minutes ago" to Sidney asking if he's in heaven.
ReplyDeleteAlthough to be fair, the delay in getting to the last line is amplified by the fact that we only have 250 words. If I was reading this in a book I might not notice. See what others and the agent say!
RE: the title—Interesting image. Not sure how much punch it has.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
Sidney Bidwell was a busy guy. He drove fast, but how else would you drive a Porsche with a boxer engine? He never looked up from his very important text message to see the box truck slow to a halt. Sidney never felt a thing, which (had it made the news report) would have led some who knew him to say it just proves life isn't fair. The delay on the bridge that morning was brutal.
Sidney stumbled through dense, dank fog. He heard whistling, and moved toward the melody.
“That's one hell of a turn, isn't it, Sidney?”
“Where am I?” Sidney said. The little man clasped Sidney's hand between his own.
“You died, Sidney…a few minutes ago.” Pushing his arm away, Sidney stepped back.
“I'm not dead!” Sidney shouted. “How could I be dead? Who the hell are you?”
“Calm down, Sidney. I'm dead, you're dead…what's the difference? You died on the bridge. I'm Patrick...and I'm your only friend now.” Patrick pulled a shiny silver clipboard from under his arm, and read aloud. “You're forty five. Divorced, two kids.”
Sidney could hardly breathe. “How do you know that? Where am I?” his voice cracked.
Patrick leaned toward him, and raised his brow. “Where do you think you are, Sidney?”
“Am I in heaven?” Sidney whispered. Patrick burst out laughing.
“Heaven? That's rich! A foggy day, and another prick thinks he's in heaven.”
Okay, I hate stories about people going to some kind of afterlife. Can’t stand them; no one ever engages me enough for me to like ‘em. But that’s merely personal taste.
I have some issues with this as it reads now.
1- You seem to change POV from an omniscient POV in the first paragraph to a 3rd person POV right afterward. Can you streamline this so that it’s clear?
2- I have no reason to care about this guy. Based on the first paragraph description, he doesn’t seem like a likable guy, so not only do I not care about him (or like him), I definitely don’t care about whether or not he dies and gets a second chance, which is what you seem to be setting up here. (Of course, I may be wrong.)
3- The entire passage is flat. No details evoke any kind of emotion or feeling on the reader’s part—there’s no shock, no fear, no paranoia, etc. There is no reason to be invested in this character. The setting doesn’t come alive; I’m not sure how I should picture this place, especially since it’s not heaven.
4- I don’t buy the reaction on Sidney’s part. There should be shock, not just shouting without any physical movement to balance it out. It bothers me that he and this Patrick guy are so distant—again, I have no reason to care.
I like the last sentence. It’s intriguing. This Patrick character sounds interesting and snarky, so I’d probably read a little bit further to see how this develops, but otherwise I’m not hooked.
This is so intriguing! I hope it gets published, and soon, because I totally want to read it. I love the humor and the slightly off-kilter way of presenting a dead character.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks to all who left comments! I have an uphill battle, as the theme has been done numerous times...dead guy gets a shot at redemption. I'm hoping I have enough twists and turns to make it interesting...didn't help here that the secret agent hates (her words)afterlife stories. Congrats to the winners!
ReplyDelete