TITLE: Adrift
GENRE: Mystery
Scientist-turned-divemaster Mer Cavallo doesn’t believe in ghosts. But she's justifiably spooked when the leader of a paranormal dive team disappears on one of her dives, and law enforcement suspects she had a hand in it. Clearing her name means resurrecting ghosts from her past and outwitting an enemy she can’t see.
this is a really solid logline and I really like you premise. One slight tweak I'd make is delete the "on one of her dives" Otherwise I think this does a pretty good job of setting up your story.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise! You got me at scientist-turned-dive-master. Maybe try rewording and editing the second line by placing the incident first, i.e."But when her dive team leader mysteriously disappears on a paranormal exploration dive, Mer becomes spooked and a suspect." Looking forward to reading your book! Write On!
ReplyDeleteThis first line characterizes Mer, but it doesn't give her a need and without this need, we don't know why she is driven to do this. Does she want to clear her name for a reason? Is she going to go to jail? And what does this have to do with her not believing in ghosts? This is irrelevant unless it acts as an obstacle to her goal.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I love the premise, a disappearance on a diving expedition sounds very suspenseful! This has a nice flow to it, too, and I'd be interested in reading the book.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder if the last sentence outlining her obstacles is too vague. I feel like "ghosts from her past" is maybe not that attention-grabbing of a phrase--seems like you hear it often, so it's not as impactful as it could be... Maybe there's a way to be more specific about the obstacles?
In the second sentence I'm not sure what you mean when you say she's justifiably spooked. There are plenty of logical reasons a team of divers might disappear. I think your pitch would be perfect if you just got rid of it and did something like this:
ReplyDeleteScientist-turned-divemaster Mer Cavallo doesn’t believe in ghosts. But when the leader of a paranormal dive team disappears on one of her dives and she becomes a suspect, clearing her name means resurrecting ghosts from her past and outwitting an enemy she can’t see.
Hope this helps!
I think this is pretty strong overall and the premise is quite intriguing. I'm a bit puzzled by Holly's question about why Mer would need to clear her name, as that seems plain enough from the context -- clearly if the law views you as a suspect you need to prove your innocence, and in this situation the suspicion would surely be damaging to her diving business as well, which would make that need even more urgent.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree that this might be even stronger if it were a bit more specific about the obstacles Mer is facing. Though I like the idea of an enemy she can't see, it's also pretty vague, and 'ghosts from her past' borders on being a cliché, so I'd suggest playing with that last line and seeing if you can't work in some details that are specific to this story.
Good luck!