TITLE: The Exorcist's Assistant
GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy
A woman harassed by a demon discovers its connection to her past life. Enlisting the aid of a doubting exorcist, she fights for her life -- and the life of her wife and daughter.
Interesting premise. My primary question is why is the excorcist a doubting one? Makes it seem he/she doubts there's a problem, doubts themselves, the existence of demons, the connection to her past. Make it clear what the excorcist is doubtful about.
Interesting premise. My primary question is why is the excorcist a doubting one? Makes it seem he/she doubts there's a problem, doubts themselves, the existence of demons, the connection to her past. Make it clear what the excorcist is doubtful about.
The first sentence sounds like an inciting incident, except that it's not inciting anything (and if it was, it sounds like it's for the demon, not her). Why does this demon's discovery suddenly result in her needing to fight for her life? I think we're missing a connection here.
I'd look at Miss Snark's format for logline: "When [MAIN CHARACTER] [INCITING INCIDENT], he [CONFLICT]. And if he doesn't [GOAL] he will [CONSEQUENCES]."
I'm not sure what the conflict, goal, or consequences is. Presumably we don't want to be harassed by a demon, but it sounds like it could be lived through. Why is she fighting for her life? and why the life of her wife and daughter. What threatens her, her wife, and her daughter?
maybe "harassed" needs to be more like "murderous" unless the threat is a different threat than the demon.
I agree with the need for something more specific than "harassed." What is this demon's end game? What are the consequences if it isn't stopped and does that link to the threat to the wife and daughter.
And, yes, clarify just what the exorcist doubts -- the woman's claim that she is being harassed, or do they doubt themselves, which isn't good if you are taking on a demon.
I really liked this on first read! I guess my only nitpick is that harassment doesn’t equal a death sentence, so the “fight for her life” felt a little out of context. Would it be possible to give us a glimmer of this harassment to show why her wife and daughter are also targets? Good luck!
I like this quite a bit, but I'd find a stronger word than harassed for the first sentence. Perhaps stalked? Also, I would have liked a character name for the protagonist and maybe a specific detail about the past life, something to punch this up just a little bit.
Interesting premise. My primary question is why is the excorcist a doubting one? Makes it seem he/she doubts there's a problem, doubts themselves, the existence of demons, the connection to her past. Make it clear what the excorcist is doubtful about.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise. My primary question is why is the excorcist a doubting one? Makes it seem he/she doubts there's a problem, doubts themselves, the existence of demons, the connection to her past. Make it clear what the excorcist is doubtful about.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence sounds like an inciting incident, except that it's not inciting anything (and if it was, it sounds like it's for the demon, not her). Why does this demon's discovery suddenly result in her needing to fight for her life? I think we're missing a connection here.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I'd look at Miss Snark's format for logline:
ReplyDelete"When [MAIN CHARACTER] [INCITING INCIDENT], he [CONFLICT]. And if he doesn't [GOAL] he will [CONSEQUENCES]."
I'm not sure what the conflict, goal, or consequences is. Presumably we don't want to be harassed by a demon, but it sounds like it could be lived through. Why is she fighting for her life? and why the life of her wife and daughter. What threatens her, her wife, and her daughter?
maybe "harassed" needs to be more like "murderous" unless the threat is a different threat than the demon.
good luck!
I agree with the need for something more specific than "harassed." What is this demon's end game? What are the consequences if it isn't stopped and does that link to the threat to the wife and daughter.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, clarify just what the exorcist doubts -- the woman's claim that she is being harassed, or do they doubt themselves, which isn't good if you are taking on a demon.
I really liked this on first read! I guess my only nitpick is that harassment doesn’t equal a death sentence, so the “fight for her life” felt a little out of context. Would it be possible to give us a glimmer of this harassment to show why her wife and daughter are also targets? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteRyna (#29)
Agree with above comments. We need more specifics. How does she fight, Why are her wife and daughter targets, etc.
ReplyDeleteI like this quite a bit, but I'd find a stronger word than harassed for the first sentence. Perhaps stalked? Also, I would have liked a character name for the protagonist and maybe a specific detail about the past life, something to punch this up just a little bit.
ReplyDelete