The Real Story, Part 1

When I wrote the first post for Miss Snark’s First Victim in April, 2008, this little pumpkin was taking up the majority of my time:

She's 10 now.

I'd already been writing for a while, but the lion's share of my time went to raising--and homeschooling--my kids.  One of the beauties of writing, though, is that it blends beautifully with motherhood.  And because I've always been hardcore about things like scheduled naps and consistent bedtimes, I could always carve writing into my days.  Even before my littlest was born, I had adopted the habit of hanging the following sign on my door when I was working:

MOMMY IS WRITING.  DO NOT DISTURB UNLESS SOMETHING IS ON FIRE OR SOMEONE IS BLEEDING FROM THE HEAD.

Yes, it worked.  (Boundaries are good.)

The blog, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, was a complete whim.  I had the sudden idea to start an anonymous blog for writers.  I was already 2 years into the querying process, and of course I had no idea--NO EARTHLY OR ALIEN IDEA--that my journey would go on and on...and on.  And on.

So I started the blog and jumped right in with our first ARE YOU HOOKED? CRITIQUE ROUND, followed by the inaugural SECRET AGENT CONTEST with the lovely Holly Root, who read through a whopping 114 entries without flinching--and this with wonky internet because she was somewhere in the wilderness.  After that, I knew I had to limit the number of entries (or I'd scare away any future agents).

One month after the contest, Eric -- a.k.a. Mr. A -- and I celebrated our 20th anniversary.  Which sort of felt like a big deal.

(This is actually an outtake.  I like it better than the smiling ones.)

By 2009, I was deep into my fourth novel.  It was a YA dystopian--which was interesting because I didn't even know what a dystopian was.  I just knew I had this vision for a bleak world I felt I had something to say about. 

Eric (Mr. A) and I started spending a lot of time at Arrington Vineyards, Nashville's local winery owned by Kix Brooks (yes, that Kix), on "working dates".  During this phase of my writerly development, Eric was very involved in walking me through edits.  Basically, I'd give him chapters to read, and he'd make notes.

Mostly, though, he made fun of my bad dialogue.

I credit him with singlehandedly teaching me how to stop writing B-movie grade dialogue.  By using silly voices and accentuating the overwriting/melodrama/unnatural/stupid in my characters' speech, he gently trained me to listen to the words, to make sure they sounded the way normal people sound when they talk.

It's funny, because he's not a writer.  What he is, though, is a musician (with a great ear) and an avid movie fan.  He knows what bad acting/bad scriptwriting sounds like, so he transferred that insight to my manuscripts.

Brilliant, yes?

More than anything, he made me laugh.  And laughter is a far better teacher than criticism, yes?

It wasn't all work at the vineyards, of course.  It was wine and nibbles.  And smooches.

Naturally, smooches can sometimes lead to more-than-smooches, and in early autumn we found out we were expecting our sixth child.

I know, right?

I was thrilled, though, because our littlest was so many years behind the rest of our crew (my next-youngest child was eight when she was born), and I thought it would be lovely for her to have a sibling closer to her own age.  And so began another season of writing-while-pregnant.

Earlier that year (some time between the vineyard smooches and the discovery that I was pregnant), I experienced the shock of having my anonymity dismantled by a clever and sneaky sleuth.  Jodi Meadows and I met on Twitter and forged a fast writerly friendship.  Imagine how stunned I was when she announced one day that she was fairly certain she knew who I was.

My stomach dropped right through the floor.

Turns out I'd left a trail that she (or perhaps her superpower) was able to follow.  Basically, I'd clicked on a link she'd shared on Twitter, and she found the location of my IP address.  Then, because she knew I'd queried her twice (she was then reading submissions for an agent who is no longer an agent), she searched for the city and state and, using what she knew about my novel, found me.  (That is the short version. The actual sleuthing that went on was remarkable.  And a little scary.)

Jodi kept my secret without once wavering.  I'm forever grateful.

The second half of the year was filled with rejections that came singing into my inbox for the YA dystopian.  (Yes, I still have them.  Doesn't everyone save their rejection letters?)  I pressed on, slowing down perhaps as the first trimester sleepies hit, but continuing to write nonetheless.

That December, I hosted a Writerly Christmas Lyrics Contest, which made me feel a bit left out--so I wrote my own lyrics and posted them after the contest, along with a recording that my dear husband was kind enough to put together for me.  If you're an old-timer, you'll remember this.  If you haven't heard this before, well, enjoy!

Lyrics:

Snark! The Haggard Agents Sing 
(Hark! The Herald Angels Sing)

Snark! The haggard agents sing, 
"Email die, and phone, don't ring! 
No more queries sent from hell, 
No more stories I can't sell.

Give me eggnog, rum, and cookies, 
Save me from these writing rookies, 
I've rejected forty-four 
thousand and six, and maybe more."

Snark! The haggard agents sing, 
"Email die, and phone don't ring!"

"Contracts, royalties, and tears, 
Fill the weeks and months and years. 
Weary, now, I shut my door, 
Screaming, as I go, 'NO MORE!'

Editors, I'm tired of waiting, 
On my last nerve you've been grating. 
Thanks to you, I soon will be 
Paying for clients' therapy."

Snark! The haggard agents sing, 
"Email die, and phone, don't ring!"

"Give me sand and surf and sun, 
I'm in desperate need of fun. 
Farewell partial, full, and ARC, 
I have had my fill of snark.

Lock the door and turn the light off; 
Can't remember my last night off. 
Toss the books and pass the gin! 
Let the holiday begin!"

Snark! The haggard agents sing, 
"Email die, and phone, don't ring!" 

The fun we had recording that silly little song was tempered by the fact that, at 11 weeks along, I had started spotting.  I spent untold days scouring the Internet for articles on "when spotting is normal", and crying out to God for the safety of my baby.  All while transitioning into maternity clothes and baking my final batches of Christmas cookies.

But as Christmas Eve day progressed, I worried that my worst fears would come true.


...to be continued

(Read Part 2 HERE)

On Gabrielle Harbowy and My First Published Story

I have a lot to thank this gal for.

Years ago, for no reason that is clear to me, Gabrielle Harbowy took an interest in me--or at least in my blog.  In 2010, she interviewed me for her blog (the link is no longer active, else I would share it), which was a big dose of affirmation for me.  The following year, I met her for breakfast in San Francisco, and she posed for what has turned out to be one of my favorite pictures of people-wearing-my-red-hat.  She was utterly lovely, and made me feel like she was honestly glad to meet me.

You have to admit she wears the hat well!

For those of you who don't know Gabrielle, here is her bio:

Gabrielle Harbowy copyedits professionally and is a submissions editor at the Hugo-nominated Apex Magazine. With Ed Greenwood, she co-edited the award-nominated When the Hero Comes Home anthology series; their latest anthology endeavor is Women in Practical Armor, from Evil Girlfriend Media. Her short fiction can be found in several anthologies, including Carbide Tipped Pens from Tor. She’s also the author of two novels: Hellmaw: Of the Essence (TEGG) – which won Runner-Up in the Science Fiction/Fantasy category at the San Francisco Book Festival, and Gears of Faith (Paizo). For more information, visit her online at @gabrielle_h or gabrielleharbowy.com.

Gabrielle has been a big supporter and participator on this blog over the years, showing her face in places like The Baker's Dozen and Adorable Editors as well as announcing open submissions for Dragon Moon Press (and nabbing authors!).  I've always been grateful for this.

I was especially grateful, though, when, in 2012, Gabrielle invited me to submit a short story for an upcoming anthology from Dragon Moon.  When the anthology was published in 2013, the only thing I wasn't happy about was that I couldn't share it here on the blog, because of, yanno, the anonymity.  (Which is now gone!  Hooray!)

So it gives me great pleasure to finally let you know about WHEN THE HERO COMES HOME 2, a collection of science fiction and fantasy stories by a wide range of authors.  I'm honored that Beginning, my first short story, is included in this terrific mix!

You can buy your copy at AMAZON or BARNES AND NOBLE or INDIEBOUND.

Of course I'm dying to hear someone say, "Hey, I've read this! Never dreamed Jillian Boehme was Authoress!"  If that's you, please don't hold back!

Thank you, Gabrielle, for the part you've played in my writing journey.  And thank you for being a friend.

Write Her Bio Contest Winners

Okay, this wasn't easy!  I was originally a bit disappointed by the small number of entries (only 13), but in the end, that turned out to be a blessing.  I'm sure I'd still be wringing my hands over which to choose!

I so appreciate the vast amounts of creativity that went into these efforts.  A HUGE THANK YOU to all thirteen of you!  Be assured that I read every entry more than once.  More than more than once.

In the end, though humor abounded, I decided to choose the 2 entries in which the writer really captured me.  It's a indescribable feeling when someone shows they've been paying attention--really getting to know the "you" that's been put out there.  It's all sorts of affirming.

So, without further ado, here are my two winning entries:


AUTHORESS BIO by Rebecca LuElla Miller

Loretta Langley writes young adult fantasy. As an aspiring actress and musician, she majored in music education in college. However, her passion soon turned to writing. After all, her first "claim to fame" had come in ninth grade as the author of a fairytale. As an adult, Ms. Langley's fame spread through her writing blog, Miss Snark's First Victim. Over 2.5 million visitors have benefitted from her contests, critiques, and advice. Although she still sings with the local symphony orchestra and plays the piano, she spends most days writing fiction. Ms. Langley is married, enjoys ballet, loves Teuscher truffles and helping other writers become publishing success stories. She is currently agented by Most-Beloved-Agent.


AUTHORESS UNVEILED BIO by Kate Larkindale

Harriett Saunders writes and lives in America’s Midwest. When the sun is shining, you will find her on the porch, writing to the music of the local wildlife, a cup of tea never far from her hand. Her hobbies include ballet, playing the piano and singing in a choir, two of which she is very skilled at. She loves the ocean, organic food and fingerless gloves. Harriett’s dedication and commitment to the writing community is legendary. For many years she has anonymously run Miss Snark’s First Victim, a blog through which she has supported and boosted the careers of numerous aspiring authors, and helped agents find great books to represent.


Congratulations, Rebecca and Kate, and thank you for your lovely and insightful depictions of me.  Please email me at facelesswords@gmail.com and let me know where to send your $20 B&N gift cards!

I'd like to also add this honorable mention, because I think it's the most epic name anyone could've come up with:


AUTHORESS BIO by Scott Mitchell

Euphemia Endeavour is a woman of many names because her parents couldn’t decide what to name her. Her actual name is Eunice Urella Penelope Huldah Elizabeth Mehitable Irene Arabella Endeavour. Her parents used the first initial of each name and called her Euphemia. It’s understandable why Euphemia loves wine. She began her writing career in kindergarten with Once Flushed, Gone Forever about the unexpected loss of her prize goldfish. Her writing endeavors continued through the years until she became Miss Snark’s First Victim. From that point on, with the help of chocolate and wine, she survived the writerly angst to finally publish Death by Wine and Chocolate. She lives with her husband somewhere in the United States.

Thank you, Scott.  You may call me Euphemia whenever you wish.  :)

And, finally, I thought you might like to see my actual bio:


In her quest to become a princess, Jillian Boehme once wrote a letter to Prince Edward in the hope that they could become pen pals (and, well, get married). That didn't work, so she decided to write stories instead. She also plays the piano, sings, and dreams of living in a hobbit hole. Having grown up on the east coast, she longs for the ocean, but has settled for the knolls of Middle Tennessee, where she lives with her husband, offspring, and an exquisite cat named Lucy.

And there you have it!  A huge thank you once again to everyone who took the time to create something special.  Hugs to all!

Hi, Everyone!

C'est Moi

Jillian Boehme

Author of Books for Teens

Represented by Danielle Burby of Nelson Literary Agency

Home:  Middle Tennessee (Greater Nashville area)

Originally from:  Lehigh Valley area, Pennsylvania

Love of my life:  Eric Boehme (a.k.a. Mr. A)

Education:  Bachelor of Music, Susquehanna University (piano)

Most important job:  homeschooling mom of 5

Volunteer:  Soprano with the Nashville Symphony Chorus

It has been my privilege and delight to speak into your lives for the past nine years as Authoress.  It will be my ongoing delight to continue to do so!

Over the next few days, Authoress: The Real Story will post as a series on the blog.  (It may or may not contain previously unpublished photographs.)  I've spent nearly a decade being very much myself online, while keeping the most important bits of my private life...well, private.  Authoress: The Real Story will give you a glimpse of my real world as it lines up with key posts/events on the blog.

I hope you'll join me.

Love, Jillian

All The Winners (Contests 2 - 5)

So many prizes to give out!  A huge THANK YOU to everyone who participated!  Here are the answers and our winner lists:

CONTEST 2: ORDER OF EVENTS

1. First Secret Agent Contest (July 2008)

2. Authoress writes ODE TO MY READERS (Feb 2009)

3. First book deal attributed to the blog (Nov 2009)

4. First Baker’s Dozen Agent Auction (Dec 2010)

5. Our first Critique Partner Dating Service (July 2012)

6. Adorable Editors (July 2013)

7. Huge rant on how tired I was of being anonymous (March 2014)

8. Our first ON THE BLOCK (Nov 2015)

9. Authoress signs with Danielle Burby (Dec 2015)

10. Authoress changes the look and title of her blog (Sept 2017)

WINNERS:

1. Kel J. Heinen -- 1-chapter critique from Leah Peterson
2. Sasha -- 1-chapter critique from Karen Duvall
3. H. R. Sinclair -- 1-chapter critique from Peter Salomon
4. T. R. Hudgins -- 1-chapter critique from Julie Butcher


CONTEST 3: FAVORITE AUTHORS

(In no particular order)

Jane Austen
Nancy Bilyeau
Jodi Meadows
Katherine Kurtz
Suzanne Collins
Patricia Mckillip
Holly Bodger
Rae Carson
Mary E. Pearson
Ruta Sepetys

WINNERS:

Too many to list here (23)!  All winners will receive an email with instructions on how to claim your book.  Congratulations!

CONTEST 4: 2 TRUTHS AND A LIE

1.

A. I suffer from misophonia, a disorder that makes normal human sounds, like chewing, swallowing, and breathing, unbearable to listen to.

B. I have a bone spur in the big toe of my left foot which makes it nigh impossible for me to do a proper relevé. Also it hurts when I wear heels.

C. As a child, I had my appendix removed via emergency surgery, only to later learn that my appendix was fine. This was before the days of rabid medical lawsuits (so there wasn’t one). LIE!  My appendix is alive and well inside me.

2.

A. After college and before marriage, I put my worldly belongings inside—and on top of—a 1971 Volkswagen Super Beetle and moved to Nashville, TN.

B. In college, I founded a small campus newspaper that focused on the school of fine arts, since we were largely ignored in the shadow of the school of business. We were still largely ignored, but I had a great experience writing for those two years. LIE! I did write a scathing letter to the editor during my sophomore year, though.

C. I was the accompanist for our University Choir for 3 of my 4 years at Susquehanna University. Those rehearsals were my only experience playing a Steinway full concert grand.

3.

A. At 17, I ran the family car into a tree, completely smashing the front and crackling the windshield. I wasn’t hurt.

B. I currently drive a 1998 Toyota Sienna. Neither door on the passenger’s side opens, because they handles have fallen off. Which means that, if I have a passenger, he has to crawl in through the other side.

C. My husband’s first brand new car had a standard transmission, which I didn’t know how to drive. He took me out for one lesson—just one—and I nailed it. LIE!  Yes, he did take me out for one lesson--and I absolutely, positively could not drive the stick shift.  He gave up and never took me out again.

4.

A. I’ve always had a strange fascination with insects. Our 8th-grade science teacher required a minimum of 30 specimens for our insect collection. I presented him with 84. LIE! I hate bugs. I eked out 3 or 4 bugs more than the 30-bug requirement and got a C.

B. I’m afraid of heights—I can climb up, but getting down is scary. Once, in San Francisco, I climbed onto a cement thing to take pictures of the trolley turnaround, and I froze. My husband had to come rescue me (in front of lots of people).

C. I grew up believing that women weren’t supposed to drink beer. Which is probably why it’s just recently that I’ve started to appreciate certain brews.

5.

A. My I.Q. is 138, my college G.P.A. was 3.69, and I’m an INFJ.

B. Over the years, I’ve been employed as a daycare teacher, an administrative secretary, a telemarketer, a U.S.P.S. seasonal worker, and an elementary music teacher.

C. I’ve lived in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Kentucky, North Carolina, and Tennessee.  LIE! I've only lived in Pennsylvania and Tennessee.


WINNERS:

1. Kate Larkindale -- 1-chapter critique from Danielle Burby
2. D. Strickland -- 1-chapter critique from Adam Bates
3. Susan Dalessandro -- 1-chapter critique from Holly Bodger
4. John Maffia -- 1-chapter critique from Authoress Edits

CONTEST 5: TRUE OR FALSE

1. Mr. A and I met in college. We were both music majors. TRUE
2. I hate cashews. FALSE (OMG I love cashews.)
3. I’ve been taking Tai Chi classes for the last few years. FALSE  I take BALLET. (You knew this.)
4. I signed with Josh Getzler in 2010. TRUE
5. I’ve met Beth Revis, Jodi Meadows, and Victoria Schwab in person. FALSE  I've never met Victoria.
6. My husband gets all the credit for training me to stop writing dorky dialogue. TRUE
7. Danielle Burby is my third agent. TRUE
8. My claim to theatrical fame is the lead role of Lili in Carnival. TRUE
9. I’ve always wanted a dog, but Mr. A is allergic to them. FALSE  I'm an avowed cat person (though Mr. A is indeed allergic to cats).
10. To date, I’ve written 11 novels. Just. Keep. Swimming. TRUE

WINNER:

Krystal -- 6-month subscription for ONE STOP FOR WRITERS.

Congratulations, everyone!

WINNERS:  If you do not receive an email from me by the end of today, please let me know!

(Please note: The announcement of the winners of the WRITE HER BIO contest are forthcoming.)