TITLE: 7 Days to Redemption
GENRE: Spiritual Thriller
Nathan found himself in a dark alley helping a man lying in a pool of blood. He called the ambulance and waited - until a group of thugs found him and approached. Scared and hearing the ambulance siren, Nathan ran. He found an opening at the end of the alley, squeezed through and is trying to find a place to hide.
To Nathan’s right stood a door. He glanced back to see how close the thugs were. He could make it in time. Inching his way across, hugging the wall as much as he could, he reached the door and thrust it open. Inside, he looked to find a way to bar the entrance before the death traps outside realized his disappearing act. A flimsy chain lock hung from the top of the door. After attaching the chain lock, he turned to look around. He leaned against the wall, gasping from the adrenalin.
With his back against the door, he noticed a blackened hallway straight lay ahead. Thirty paces to safety. If he made it in time, he’d be shrouded in complete darkness. He heard the thugs approach, their heavy tread scuffling loose rocks in their path. Pushing himself away from the door he an idea came to him. If he crushed himself into the space behind the door and wall, and the door opened, he could hide himself. As long as they didn’t close the door after coming into the hallway, it was a perfect spot to hide. He crouched close to the floor as the door bulged. He took a deep breath, holding it when the flimsy lock broke. With his heart beating loudly, he prayed under his breath to a God who deserted him a long time ago. Being crouched so low, he couldn’t see what happened on the other side of the door, but he heard it.
This works for me. I wonder how he knows they're thugs and 'deathtraps', but probably that would be clear if I'd read what came before. And this makes me curious about why/how God deserted Nathan.
ReplyDeleteSome of this is good and some needs polishing. I'm not crazy about the opening sentence, not sure why it isn't "A door stood to Nathan's right." Also, he turned to look around seems unfinished when followed by, "he leaned against the wall gasping..." I'd cut the turned to look around as he does so in the next paragraph.
ReplyDeleteSecond sentence in the first paragraph makes little sense unless you switch "lay" and "straight". Once again, why begin with "with"? And how does he know their heavy treading scuffles loose rocks if A) it was too dark for him to see and B) they are behind a door? Also, I'd cut back on the usage of door. In the second paragraph, every other sentence contains the word door. It could be pared down. I don't think we need to be told "an idea came to him." In the time it takes for you to tell us this, the thugs would be upon him. I'd cut the "pushing himself away from the door" altogether. It's unnecessary. Good luck!
Pacing and tension, I'd say 8 out of 10 stars. The text focuses a lot on logistics. More description is needed regarding the character's fear. It would add to the suspense of the danger the character is in and make the reader care more about how he will escape. Other than that it moves along well and creates interest. Well done just more fear description.
ReplyDeleteSyntax error at "Pushing himself away from the door he an idea came to him."
Several introspective sentences rather than the action that this scene could use. For example: "Pushing himself away from the door he an idea came to him." reporting the idea coming--instead show us his idea in action and also "If he crushed himself into the space behind the door and wall, and the door opened, he could hide himself." again have him doing it rather than reporting the possibility. "Crushing himself...and hiding in the space..." as action alternative.
ReplyDeleteAnother spot, "he prayed under his breath to a God who deserted him a long time ago." can you come up with an adjective to replace "who deserted him a long time ago" and cut the sentence down to build the action?
I like it though. Good job.
I do like this and it helps that there is a brief synopsis to set the scene. I kinda wanted to have another description of the "thugs" other than thugs. Is it a group of teens, men, or men and women? I also think more about his fear and a bit less about where he's going will amp up the danger. But I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteFor what reason did God desert him? Needs some polishing, but you've definitely got the right idea.
ReplyDeleteBeing crouched so low, seemed awkward to me. Maybe crammed behind the door he heard... (then tell us what exactly he heard right there.) We already know he can't see from your description of where he was going to hide.
ReplyDeleteI loved the blackened hallway. The unknown nature of what lay beyond scared me way more than the thugs.
Nice work.
Nice job with this. Detailed, but tight.
ReplyDeleteUsually in intense scenes we get a lot of white space. Try to make the paragraphs shorter, choppier.
ReplyDeleteI agree with school. To build build that sense of tension and high action (him running and hiding)break down the long sentences into shorter, choppier ones. But don't go overboard. Those first few sentences are long.
ReplyDeleteAlso I agree with another critter, pepper in some internal thoughts, fear, reaction to the fear, ect to break up the action. And you do have a few spots that need to be polished in concerns to showing vs. telling, but some one else also pointed that out.
But I think you did a good job of building the danger...and left us with a hook at the end - I want to know if he escapes or the hoodlums (here's a word to replace thugs ;> )get him.
Those were all fantastic comments - thank you all!
ReplyDeleteYou do create tension, suspense and a sense of danger, and you left us with a great ending hook.
ReplyDeleteI did wonder about that door. Where is this door? Is it an old, abandoned home. The door to a mausoleum in a graveyard? Someone else's home? Perhaps make that evident, or if you don't want us to know, say he doesn't know.
The rest is tightening up the writing, making better word choices, technical stuff which others have already pointed out, but you did the suspense and danger really well.
'Death traps' signifies an object to me rather than a person, so I thought this was an odd choice of description for the thugs. Others have mentioned the other nits I was going to. I think this needs some line editing, but you've got it in terms of pacing and suspense.
ReplyDelete