TITLE: Forever After (working title)
GENRE: YA Fantasy
In 1943 after the Nazi invasion of Russia, seventeen year old Jewish girl Inda Sobol and her family have left their home in Odessa. They are seeking refuge in Siberia to wait out the war, but her younger brother has fallen ill and the family can go no farther than a shack outside Smolensk.
I held my breath, closed my eyes and that’s when I heard it—a faint crunching from somewhere on the other side. Like footsteps in the ice-glazed snow.
I stiffened, digging my nails into the flesh beneath my knees. My ears strained and caught a rustling sound--branches sliding along a sleeve or pant leg. A twig cracked and I sought out the crescent hole again. The earth, blanketed in undisturbed white, shimmered under the dim glow of the moon, but the noises grew closer.
My father leaned forward and motioned for me to stay silent. Mama clutched Simon in her arms, muffling his breathing. Whatever it was, it was obvious my parents didn’t want it finding us. I sucked my bottom lip in between my teeth and clenched my hands tightly into fists, straight at my sides.
I counted five, maybe six sets of footsteps. Human footsteps, I was sure of it now. And there was something lighter, swifter and busier--dogs. It had to be dogs. Soldiers and dogs. A lump rose in my throat that I couldn’t force down.
They stopped in front of the entrance. The dogs sniffed the base of the door, claws scraping at the step. Their chain leashes clinked as they lunged in anticipation. They had found their target.
“Offnen Sie!”
I clapped my hands over my ears. The soldier’s fist thudded into the door like a sledge hammer. My head pounded with every blow, thinking he’d batter his way right through.
I like this. The tension from straining to make out sounds works very well. I was surprised to see it classified as fantasy rather than historical fiction, but I assume that element comes in at another time.
ReplyDeleteI, too, like this. There is lots of tension and the danger is very evident. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteHowever, here's a nit. The first thing she does is close her eyes, but then she sees things. For me, she has to reopen her eyes first.
Great tension here - and the combination of the scene and genre description is definitely intriguing.
ReplyDeleteOne small quibble: In the first line, I would change "that's when I heard it" to "that was when I heard it." When my ear hears "that's," I think "that is," which, obviously, isn't the right tense. It's a small thing and probably something that an agent wouldn't even notice, but my type-A personality can't let things like that go.
It's a testament to the quality of this piece that I noticed something so small - and actually took the time to mention it. If I'd had better things to comment on, I would have mentioned those things:) Nice job.
Lovely writing. I was right there in the moment with her. The setting was described perfectly and the sign of a good passage, it made me want to read more!
ReplyDeleteBronNZ
Great tension. You took me right to the scene. I loved it. Very nice writing.
ReplyDeleteI must comment on my favorite part when you described the sound of the dogs as..
... something lighter, swifter, busier...
Perfect!
Very nice. I could feel the tension, the suspense and danger. It reads well and easily. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteSo some nits --
I held my breath and closed my eyes AND HEARD A faint crunching. Why announce you heard something, then tell us what it is? Just tell us what she heard.
They had found their target. Perhaps - They had found us - to give it a more personal feel.
And as someone mentioned, open the closed eyes.
I really liked this, too. Especially the description of the footsteps. You really put me in that shack, experiencing everything she was feeling.
ReplyDeleteWell done!
I enjoyed it too, although I would suggest tightening up a bit in the first sentence. Good job of building the tension.
ReplyDelete