TITLE: ACCIDENT
GENRE: Science fiction/fantasy
When Kate and Toby search his sister Lisa’s condominium for migraine medicine she needs after her husband Ian goes missing, Kate finds a hole clawed though a closet wall and steps through into somebody else’s place.
On the other side of the wall he caught Kate’s arm. Startled, she wheeled around, gripping the camera, eyes wide. The wind blowing through the dark rooms said the place was probably abandoned, so he took one more uneasy step to stand by her side.
Ian, are you in here?
As if in answer to his thoughts, pale drapes billowed into the room, swayed and blew out through the open balcony doors. A faint rap-rap sounded, a hollow, ghostly tapping, but when the tapping repeated itself, he realized it was the wind knocking the balcony doors against the building. Sleet blew across the floor, fluttering though the pages of a magazine, and an unseen clock ticked.
In the streetlight coming through the open balcony he could make out their surroundings. They had stepped through the closet wall into a living room filled with massive white furniture, serpentine-patterned pillows, and glass-topped bamboo tables, as though the owner once lived in the tropics and had tried to import the flavor of Cancun or Rio thousands of miles north to chilly Washington, D.C. Two broad-leafed banana trees grew by the windows. Behind the couch stood a black wooden screen painted with bright green parrots, ebony macaws, and other exotic birds that were so realistic their eyes seemed alive. Bird sculptures brooded in a large curio cabinet and a series of handsome photographs ringed the walls: herons fishing at twilight, a woodpecker on a limb, a hawk waiting for its prey.
I would like to see more of this submission to gage it better; the descriptions were beautiful and very realistically accomplished. Very good images.
ReplyDeleteI did not have a sense of ‘danger’ so much as tension, holding-my-breath kind. It did make me want more. It is my guess the sample was too small to make the reader get into the ‘danger’ aspect.
I liked it.
I seem to have missed the 'danger' aspect of this entry. The entire last paragraph is description only - no danger there. The ghostly tapping is quickly explained away. Did his heart beat faster and his palms begin to sweat when he heard the tapping? Would he automatically look for the source or freeze in the spot? Where was his relief - soft exhale of breath - when he realized it was the shutters?
ReplyDeleteYou have a vague sense of danger, but it is immediately dispelled. Make the reader sit on the edge of their seats and be afraid to read the next sentence for fear of what might happen.
S
p.s. one of the best books i've ever read that accomplishes a constant sense of danger/tension is Dean R. Koontz's Intensity. I thought I was having a heart attack while reading that book.
This is well described - possibly too much description in that second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI don't quite feel the danger though. It may be the full description of stuff outside the house distracted me from what could be inside the house... ?
I though it was well-written and I loved the description of the room. I'm wondering about all those birds and what part birds might play in the story.
ReplyDeleteBut I also wondered how he could see so much, and in such detail, with just the light of a distant street light penetrating a storm and flapping shutters.
It didn't have a sense of suspense or danger. Perhaps adding some thoughts about what he's thinking or feeling? Is he wondering what the heck happened? After all, this isn't usual and there was that big claw mark, but neither of them make any reference to it. Even adding a thought or two to the room description could add some tension and suspense if he thinks the birds look frightening or ghastly in the dim light. I think what's missing here is their reaction to what they're seeing.
I agrre --very nice descriptions--but needs to have more of a feeling of danger there.
ReplyDeleteLess description, more danger. Very well thought out. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteI liked the first three paragraphs. I think the description, especially in the third (blowing sleet, fluttering magazine pages, ticking clock), enhanced the tension.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph fell a little flat for me; the sense of impending danger you'd established in the opening paragraphs fizzled, then died. I was expecting something to happen near the end, but nothing did. Of course, the danger could be lurking just in the next paragraph, but I wonder, then, why you didn't adjust your submission to include that paragraph. So I have to think this is the most dangerous material, and if that's the case, you might ramp it up with a little less description.
This one didn't really build much suspense for my taste. It's a bit weird that there was a hole in the wall, but...it really didn't make me 'that' driven to read on.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the premise, but got lost in the actual piece. In order to build better suspense, I would show instead of tell. The majority of the piece was telling, and I felt like I was standing at the window looking in on the scene. I could see it, but I was very detached. In order to make me invest in the scene, show it to me! Bring me right into the room with the character.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with future edits.
I'll have to echo most everyone else. I didn't feel any danger, more intrigue. I also felt the descriptions were nice but could be toned down some. You do paint a nice picture, but I think it could be sharper with a little less.
ReplyDeleteThere was some tension at the beginning, but this was lost in furniture descriptions, so this didn't really work for this round of Drop the Needle. The descriptions were good, but not for creating tension.
ReplyDelete