TITLE: Beyond The River Shadows
GENRE: Literary Fiction
Ralph “Sas” Romanuski, the most decorated softball player in Northern Ohio, plays in a championship game with his team, Ball Busters, instead of attending his son’s birth.
Ralph worked his cleats into the left field grass. Wrinkles lined his forehead like stretched earth worms. It all came down to this: two outs in the final inning, a loudmouth on first base and a guy who looked like Jesse Owens on second.
Everything was silent as the arching pitch went through the air. The swing of the bat. Ralph’s massive frame and heavy limbs sprang to life. The ball went higher and higher, hit the apex, and dropped. For a moment he doubted he would get there. He reached for it, his left shoulder pressing into the loose skin of his multiple chins. The ball, unsteady in the wind, impacted his mitt with a thud, and he could feel it, secure in the webbing, his fingernails digging into leather. He thrust his index finger, thick as a broomstick handle, toward the heavens. Red-faced teammates, mouths agape like blue-collar barbarians, rushed toward him. The center fielder lowered his shoulder and slammed into Ralph’s upper back. They both went down, sprawling over the grass. The remaining Ball Busters, gripping cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Stroh’s, scrambled from the dugout.
Under the growing pile up Ralph worked to catch his breath. Someone sat on his face. Red dominated his vision—rich and bright in the middle, washed-out and soft at the edges. He tried to lift his head but each side of his nose was squashed, surrounded by the sour odor of rash-inflamed a** crack. “Off!” he yelled. Bodies shifted. Fat and fabric muffled him. He clamped down his teeth as hard as he could. A howling scream erupted.
Blue-collar barbarians- what a wonderful description. Your strength is in your descriptions.
ReplyDeleteThere was a lot going on, and it was hard to keep up with everything. What I think would make this better is to start a new paragraph with "Red-faced teammates..." I understand longer paragraphs in literary work, but when writing action, the prose is tighter with shorter sentences and paragraphs. After the intense action, you can get back to your lovely, descriptive, long paragraphs.
I like the combo of humor and sophisticated description. The middle paragraph reminds me of that 'slow-mo moment' in every sports film where the heroes are about to win or lose. I thought you captured it well. I was wondering if it should be an arcing pitch instead of an arching pitch? The former seems to be dynamic while the latter is a bit static. Anyway, I salute the winners. Nicely done and entertaining.
ReplyDeleteI like the gritty feel of this.
ReplyDeleteIn this passage, I'd clarify *there* and *it*.
For a moment he doubted he would get there. He reached for it,
The blue-collar barbarians simile is strong; the forehead/earth worms one not as much (seems forced).
When he has his face in a** crack, he wouldn't be able to yell or scream. Both would be muffled.
He could ascertain the sour odor but not the rash-inflamed. Another adjective handy?
I bet there's quite an action scene involving Ralph and his wife when he tells her he won't be at the baby's birth! :0
I'd love to read more of this work. Good job.
Some very vivid descriptions, and a nice capture of the chaos of winning a championship. One or two things, here and there:
ReplyDelete- Though I can see how it works with the grass and field setting, I just didn't like the earthworm simile. It just didn't work for me.
-I think the ball should hit its apex, not the apex...not sure on that one.
-I feel like there should just be a little bit more internally when he secures the ball, not just sticking a finger in the air. If you can catch the feeling of triumph the way Ralph catches the ball, you'll have it nailed.
-agree on the 'rash-inflamed'. Unless he knows who's on his face, and that said person has a rash, he wouldn't know this. Also, it feels just a little bit off with the rest of the piece.
For some reason, on first reading, I didn't realize he bit someone on the butt. Maybe I'm just dense, but you may want to add a sense of the taste or texture of fabric on his tongue, or add that the howling scream erupted from somewhere above him.
Nice job!
I concur with JeffO's comments.
ReplyDeleteIn addition, it took me a bit to catch on the fact that Ralph was the catcher, not the batter. To help establish the situation, I think it would work better to include in the sentence that begins "It all comes down to this ..." who it is up to bat, since it all boils down to whether or not that opponent is going to hit the ball.
I found the sequence of events of the subsequent paragraph to be a bit confusing, perhaps again because the batter himself isn't a recognized character, it almost seems as if the bat is acting of its own accord.
And Ralph is obviously a rather large fellow, but I find it a stretch that a top ballplayer is so fat that raising his arm is going to push his shoulder into his multiple chins.
Really funny and easy to picture - especially the catch and the Ball Busters rushing out of the dugout beer in hand. I liked the focus on the little things - like the hand squeezing around the ball inside the glove and the single finger raised to the sky. The ending was more problematic for me - I am not sure how and in what context it would even happen that one man would sit on another man's face with a bare ass and not expect to be shot in the head within 4 seconds. So, that part did not work for me - I found it obviously gross and a bit in the vein of WTF? But the rest was great.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Leo on a couple of accounts. I'm not trying to be contentious but to give balance. At first I assumed Ralph was the batter, too, but it didn't bother me when I found out he was the catcher because I know this is a 250 word scene and everything had been set up previously. If we read the entire chapter, it would be redundant to mention at the beginning of this piece that he's the catcher. Another thing Leo mentioned that I disagree with is Ralph's weight. Catchers are good at what they do. They can catch and throw, and they have to be intelligent and quick with their minds, but catchers are almost always the slowest runners and most out of shape members on the team because they have bad knees as a result of the constant crouching and because they don't have to be as fit as the pitcher, outfielders, third baseman, etc.
ReplyDeleteI love love the humor in the last sentence! I agree, I was confused as to what place Ralph was playing, but the previous writing before this (hopefully) would have solved that problem.
ReplyDeleteThis neeeeddsss to be split up though. Cut it up into a few paragraphs, because a block of words is very daunting to read.
Also, I think so much more would be accomplished if you put one sentence in about how he's missing his son's birth because of this. Obviously, this is a big thing for him, and he would (and should) be thinking about it constantly. It doesn't matter if he was self-centered or anything; he would think about it, at least for a split second. Even "This was so much better than seeing his wife give birth." Something to show us that this is a big moment.
I think it would add tons to this action if we got some emotional action too :)
Nice job though, really easy to read; flowed very well!