TITLE: Vis Decor: Alphi
GENRE: YA High Fantasy
In an underwater world, Alphi has entered a magical city for the first time. She came with Juven to meet her uncles, Capit and Cessed, but little does Alphi know that Juven is part of a species prohibited in the city--and the fine for trespassing is instant death. Juven has just been seen.
Something felt wrong. The city-folk watched, not Alphi, but Juven, and everyone moved around them.
A siren went off. Yells and screams wrenched the sea as the city-folk fled. Alphi tried to follow, but in an instant, soldiers surrounded her and Juven.
“What’s going on?” Alphi said. “Cessed, Capit! HELP!”
“Shut up.” A soldier threw her to the side, and Juven quivered in the middle of them. The soldier took out a long stick.
It felt like an ice cube slithered down her back. Whatever the stick was –a wand? – she didn’t care. All that mattered was that they were aiming it at Juven.
Alphi drove through the crowd, ramming into soldiers. Someone yelled unintelligible words and rays of light shot out of the stick. Alphi screamed, dreading that the rays would find their marks.
“STOP SHOOTING!” Capit yelled from behind, but the soldiers were too loud and his desperate voice was drowned out.
Alphi picked Juven up, and like a cork out of a bottle, she swam up and behind a building, with the soldiers trying –and failing– to catch up with her.
Alphi hid in one of the metallic crevices built into the skyscraper. Juven looked like a small child taking shelter in his Alphi’s arms.
But those arms were too busy at the moment.
“You have to get out of here, quick,” Alphi said. “I don’t know what’s happening, but right now, we don’t know each other. It’s the only way we can go free.
I like this. There is a real sense of urgency. I think there are also a few phrases that hurt the flow a little. For example, "screams wrenched the sea" made me stop reading for a second just because I'm not sure how water can be "wrenched". The other one was "But those arms were too busy at the moment." Are they busy because Alphi is swimming? If so, how is Juven taking shelter in them?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a cool story and I like the "prohibited species" idea. Good stuff!
I was confused reading this, and I'll assume it's partly because we've been dropped in the middle. As an action scene, it moved, which was great, but I agree with Adam above. If Alphi's swimming, how is Juven in her arms? And in your excerpt at the top, you say Alphi and Juven came to the city together. So why does she say, "We don't know each other"? I might add a little more detail to this excerpt so we know what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI think part of my problem with this is not being familiar with the setting. My brain is painting a city with people walking about, then suddenly Alphi is swimming upward.
ReplyDeleteNo technical problems with the writing. A lot would probably be clearer having read more prior to this, like what do Alphi and Juven look like, the world.
How far back is Alphi pushed from the guards? I wouldn't have thought it would be far. Seems like it takes too long for her to get back to Juven.
The busy arms was confusing--are they Alphi's arms or Juven's? Too busy for who or what? Too busy to give shelter? They are hiding, so I don't know how her arms are busy without more info.
I don't see how pretending not to know Juven would help matters. She's already been seen protecting him, and their separation wouldn't stop Juven from being targeted again.
Interesting premise though.
I liked this. I would have kept reading if there was more.
ReplyDeleteI did stumble in the same spot as others. You painted a picture of a child taking shelter in someones arms, and that is what I saw. The next sentence smudges it away.
Good Job
I found this confusing with it being an underwater city - I kept trying to picture that but the people seemed to be walking and talking normally. How did Alphi push her way through the soldiers - it makes the soldiers sound ineffectual, yet the uncles couldn't help. What was the 'ice cube' down her back? The wand? Is Juven much younger? Otherwise why is she carrying him? And how far to the surface? The cork out of a bottle cliche could be replaced or omitted.
ReplyDeleteDidn't get why her arms were too busy.
I also think the CAPS have to go.
Curious to read more about an underwater city.
Like the others, I have more issue with the world than with the action, but if I'd read everything leading up to this, it might not be an issue. It flows well, and the shorter sentences work well to convey that urgency.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need the CAPS for the shouting. That's implied by the exclamation point.
"Cessed, Capit! HELP!” Reads to me like the names should have question marks after then, as if she's calling for them but not sure where they are.
"Alphi drove through the crowd" How far was she thrown and how could that many people have slipped between her an Juven so quickly?
Like the others, the busy arm line threw me and jerked me out of the story. Busy doing what? I would have imagined holding Juven, but apparently not.
With regards to the last line, considering the crowd saw them together, as well as the soldiers, how are they going to not know each other? How far away did they swim? How did the soldiers not see where they hid? Not enough of the scenery is painted to picture the plausibility of this.
I agree with what others have said about stumbling over the wrenched sentence and the cork sentence.
ReplyDeleteBut I liked the sense of urgency. I really didn't have trouble with the setting, but that may be because I've read your query letter on another forum and was expecting the underwater world.
Maybe to make it clearer you could add movement in three dimensions. I'm sure there's some in earlier scenes. But I think the underwater realm would be particularly interesting for action scenes.
I'm also a little unclear about why pretending not to know each other is going to help Juven, but maybe she explains that in the next lines?