TITLE: SILVERED GLASS
GENRE: YA SF
Piper (mc) was kidnapped by Kyle. He wants to use her strange and perilous ability, although Piper herself has just an inkling of what it does. Kyle’s enemies attack to destroy Piper and her friends. One soldier captures her while another prepares to kill Kyle.
The soldier tightened his hold on my shoulders. There would be bruises. “Think what a rogue biodesigner could do. Shoot him.”
Kyle’s eyes widened as he looked down the barrel of the weapon. He’d be crushed as easily as one of his own dragonflies. He was my enemy, but I didn’t want to see him die. Not like this.
The silvery globe of the ostenta dangled before me. These soldiers would kill us all. I had to stop them, even if I lost myself.
Tearing away from my captor, I snatched the ostenta in one hand and lunged towards the man about to shoot Kyle. I grabbed a hank of the soldier’s hair. He yelled and jerked away as if a rabid dog attacked him. The other soldier kept his grip on my arm, the one with the ostenta. Both soldiers were touching me. I had them.
As I dug into the soldier’s scalp with all my strength, I sought the black deep. Ever since that moment in the forest when I’d nearly killed Damien, I sensed the deep at the edge of vision. It wasn’t a void to me.
The ostenta seared my hand with bone-deep pain, but I did not drop it.
With that, the sky darkened from blue, to purple, to midnight black. The stars came out, not one at a time, but in a blaze of glory in their millions upon millions. Above my head. Beneath my feet. They all had names. And they sang to me. I opened my mouth to sing a reply.
This is tough, being dropped in the middle. I would like to know what the "ostenta" is, but as an action scene, I definitely got the sense of urgency. One minor edit. I believe it should be "...as if a rabid dog HAD attacked him..." Other than that, if this were an opening, I would read more. I'm curious why she sings to stars and what a biodesigner does. Good work!
ReplyDeleteReally like this piece.
ReplyDeleteI think perhaps if you tightened up that key paragraph in the middle it might make the tension mount better. Also there is a continuity issue - did she escape or is she still held by her captive. If you don't let her escape...
Start from 'I snatched... The other soldier had kept his grip. Both were touching me now. I had them.
Love the imagery even in an action moment.
Would like to read this story
good job.
Nice tension and pace. Probably because we're dropped in the middle, I'm not entirely clear who says that first line of dialogue--I guess it's the soldier who has a grip on Piper? Also, (and again, probably understood if I could read the whole thing) when I think of a weapon with a barrel, I think of a gun, so the idea of Kyle being crushed seems odd. Finally, the soldier has her by the shoulders. She yanks away, but he keeps his grip on her arm. Maybe you edited to squeeze in the word limit. If not, he needs to make a grab for her.
ReplyDeleteThat all said, I liked this. Good action, and quite intriguing.
The writing is solid, but I felt the scene lacked a sense of urgency. Partly I think that's because of repetition, eg 'I didn't want to see him die' and 'these soldiers would kill us all' and partly because there's too much detail in the scene.
ReplyDeleteI'd strip out anything that isn't immediate. The character can reflect later on how Kyle was looking as he waited to die.
Adrenaline would be high in this situation and the brain would be 'choosing' what's important to notice and remember. As you're in first person, it's better for the narrator to have a narrow focus that reflects the narrowing of attention that occurs under this kind of stress.
You could easily have a scene later where she talks with someone else about what happened and can therefore piece together what she missed.
I also think the narrator would put her own survival ahead of Kyle's.
This may not have been the best snippet. We don't see how this scene was resolved.
ReplyDeleteI like the sensory detail. The part about tearing away from the soldier, but he still had the grip on her arm, was confusing. But keep up the intense writing.
The description of the action flows well and I was able to follow what was going on. I had no idea what ostenta meant which made the scene a little hard to follow. I assume earlier on we learn what that is and how it ties into her power. I like the point of view and she visualizes coming into her power.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others re: what is the ostenta? I thought she'd snatched it from where it seemed to be dangling mid-air? Then the soldier had it? I agree that if Kyle was her enemy she'd be more concerned w/her survival.
ReplyDeleteLike the ending w/the singing stars.
Love this! Strong voice, lots of imagery, and good action. The main problem, as others mentioned, is a symptom of Drop the Needle - not knowing what an ostenta is.
ReplyDeleteI especially love the last paragraph. Awesome. I wish I could see what happened when she sung her reply. :)
I like the characterization, but it really needs a bit more of cutting down sentences and getting quicker action. Such as here:
ReplyDelete"The silvery globe of the ostenta dangled before me. These soldiers would kill us all. I had to stop them, even if I lost myself.
Tearing away from my captor, I snatched the ostenta in one hand and lunged towards the man about to shoot Kyle. " All these would be so much better if they were short.
I like the last paragraph, but I don't know what's happening. This is probably from being dropped in the middle of a scene, so I think it'll work good if we know her powers.
Great job! LOVE the description in the last paragraph!