TITLE: Here Comes the Sun
GENRE: YA-Contemporary Romance
Brant and Natalie get lost in London while searching for Diet Coke. They've had one near kiss.
“Natalie,” he says to me. “I've screwed this whole thing up.”
“We'll find our way back.”
But Brant just smiles and squeezes my hands tighter. I nearly turn into putty right then and there. Leaning forward, he rests his forehead against mine, his warmth transferring to me. He lets go of my hands and grabs my hips, pulling me so close that I can feel him - all of him! - against my body.
His voice is soft when he speaks, his breath warm against my face. “I'm not talking about getting lost.”
“Are you talking about,” I gulp back the nervous bubble forming in my throat, and force myself to say it, “us?” Because I hope you're talking about us, I want to say. But I don't, because I'm a wuss.
I don't expect what happens next. I expect a shrug, a head nod, a head tilt. Something that doesn't involve words. What I get is way better than what I imagined. Because without warning, Brant envelopes me in his arms. He has one hand on the back of my head, one tight around my shoulders. What he can't see is that my knees turn to pudding, my heart elevates to dangerous levels, and my eyes moisten with tears of pure bliss. Okay, that part he can probably see. Maybe I should try wiping my eyes inconspicuously. A quick head flick on his shoulders will do. Soak the moisture into his shirt and I'll be good as gold. Except wait, no. He pulls back before my operation can be completed. Abort, abort, abort.
Staring deep into my eyes, hopefully past the happy tears that burrow in the corners, Brant leans in. He actually leans. In. His lips are puckered, his eyes slowly closing, and then....
“Natalie?”
Freaking, flipping, A. What? I want to scream to the gods for interrupting my first real kiss. Again.
This made me smile!
ReplyDeleteI liked the tone and the voice and that things aren't so smooth in love's path as that is usually the way, isn't it?
Could you make the line "He has one hand on the back of my head.." a little more delicate perhaps? Soft and romantic? It feels a little clunky. Maybe his fingers slide through her hair or something instead to soften it? The tight arm around her shoulders made it feel more of a headlock, and I know that isn't what you meant.
I'd read on. Always happy to read things that use "Wuss" and "Flippin A." ;)
I enjoyed this. Loved that his line "I've screwed this whole thing up" had a double meaning. The description of the hug in the sixth paragraph was a little hard to picture. I agree with the Pernille that the line "one hand on the back of my head, one tight around my shoulders" needs to be softened. Also, her response to the hug seems a little melodramatic with the "tears of bliss", but then again, I don't know the whole story so maybe it fits.
ReplyDeleteMy only other suggestion would be to find some other descriptive besides having his lips "puckered" when he leans in. That put a funny picture in my head, and I know that's not what you intended.
Cute scene!
I loved this! Her voice was so funny, i laughed out loud at points and i smiled through the rest of it. I particularly liked the "abort!" part and when she called herself a wuss.
ReplyDeleteI really don't have anything else to add. Great job! I'd keep reading
This was a fun scene. The voice is great and I love how she talks to herself. Her reaction to the kiss did sound a bit melodramatic, but I think it fits with the character.
ReplyDeleteOh, I loved this scene! ARgh!! Everything was perfect, and I thought "YES!!!" and then they were interrupted and was like "NOOOOOO!" I love the way she's still thinking through the whole thing, almost to the point that if the kiss had actually happened, it would've been more her analyzing how she felt about it, rather than describing the technicalities of the kiss itself. If a near kiss was that amazing for her, makes you wonder what the real thing would do to her. So glad I already know and don't have to guess. ;-) :-D
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else said, I love the voice in this. Natalie's excitement anticipating a kiss that doesn't happen, and her frustration at the interruption were both great.
ReplyDeleteI just had a couple of quibbles:
- It seemed to me there was a little bit of a staging issue. Brant pulls Natalie close, they exchange a few words, and then he envelops her in his arms -- but I thought he already had his arms around her. This could be fixed if he only leaned in close in the first full paragraph.
- In the long paragraph where they don't kiss, I felt like a little too much time was spent telling us that Natalie didn't see this coming. You could accomplish the same thing with a few words, e.g., "I expect him to back off, but he doesn't. Without warning, Brant envelops me in his arms."
Nice job! This was a fun read.
I really liked this almost kiss scene. The misdirection at the beginning with her thinking he meant them getting lost was perfect.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that you need "he lets go of my hands." That will be clear if he grabs her hips.
I wanted to know if her eyes were closed when his forehead is against hers. For the lines, "Because I hope you're talking about us . . . But I don't because I'm a wuss," I suggest condensing it. Maybe something like, "please, let him be talking about us."
Maybe delete "what I get is way better. . . imagined." Have the action show that. Not sure about "because without warning." His forehead is touching hers so she might expect the possibility of the kiss.
"Pure bliss" may be a little over the top and I would expect that kind of comment during or after the kiss, not right before. Only seconds would have passed. That also may mean that the several sentences about the tears should be condensed because of the time frame.
Love the "abort" part. Delete "deep." Love "Brant leans in. He actually lean. In."
Agree about "puckered." Not a sexy word.
The interruption is excellent. Your excerpt is so full of voice. My comments are merely potential ways to tighten the scene. I think your entry is one of the strongest ones I've read.
Awww, this is a nice scene and I immediately fell into the story despite not having any background.
ReplyDeletePeople have touched on some of the issues I noticed above. One additional thing - at the beginning he pulls her close so that their entire bodies are touching. I mean, that's some pelvis to pelvis action. So when she, a few lines down, says she wasn't expecting what happened next/he enveloped her, it threw me off a little. I think find a way to smooth that out and you have a top notch kiss here :)