TITLE: Remembered
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
Fresh from the climactic battle, our heroes have just realized AJ is the lost soul Xander was destined to find and destroy.
“Are you telling me you can’t feel it? Feel that link between us?”
She did, she had. She’d thought it meant something else, something stronger, something…not so evil. Shaking her head, she tried to back up. Xander stepped with her until the back of her thighs pressed against her bed.
“What will it take to make you believe me?”
AJ opened her mouth to tell him nothing but he bent suddenly, capturing her lips with his, silencing her protests. The kiss was hard and desperate, and AJ, just as desperate, thrust her hands into the soft hair she’d wanted to touch and kissed him back. She’d thought of this moment, of kissing him for so long, and now that she was, she didn’t want to stop. It was as if he anchored her to this world, that if he let her go, she’d cease to exist. His hands slipped from her shoulders, one going to her waist, pulling her closer, and the other tangling possessively in her hair. When he finally pulled away, they were both breathing heavy.
His hand trailed down her arm and took her hand. When he spoke, he did with such passion and conviction, she couldn’t help but believe him.
“I will keep you safe, until my last breath.”
His last breath. The tribunal was this week. He’d never found the evidence to exonerate himself. He’ll be tried, convicted, thrown in jail or worse. He said he’d take her secret with him to the grave. She searched his eyes, finding he knew what was in store for him. It was why he was here, why he’d finally kissed her.
He was saying goodbye.
Whoa! Intense! I have no complaints...in fact, I want to read more! The heat is great and the feelings raw and real. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteLOVE!!! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!! This is great. What a great scene.
ReplyDeleteThis feels like the last scene in the book and even though this is all I've read, the last line here feels more satisfying than a lot of book endings I've read recently. It seems complete, yet has that sort of bittersweet longing, making me wish the characters would get another kiss.
ReplyDeleteFabulous. Beautifully written. I do have some questions, Lead-in: "our heroes have just realized AJ is the lost soul Xander was destined to find and destroy." So Xander falls in love with the enemy? Does AJ know he's out to destroy her? Not sure what AJ's secret is, and why Xander promises to take her secret to the grave? But their chemistry is compelling and Xander's promise to keep her safe is believable. I loved the ending - saying goodbye. I'm really intrigued and would definitely read more. Nice!
ReplyDeleteoooh. I loved this. Especially the end. The tension builds just right from beginning to end. There were bits of the description I had to re-read to better capture what you were trying to get across, but it didn't take away from the fact I wanted to read on. This was great.
ReplyDeleteI saw your tweet on the Writer's Voice tag--so glad I found the First Kiss submissions!
ReplyDeleteI think this piece is pretty strong. I have a few suggestions. This line:
"When he finally pulled away, they were both breathing heavy."
I think you can show this instead; her weighted breaths matched his, and maybe throw in an anology or something to visually capture, or show this through the senses. She felt his chest rising, etc. These types of scenes are really great for adding in sensory detail.
This line: "When he spoke, he did with such passion and conviction, she couldn’t help but believe him."
This comes before he speaks, and it will probably make more sense to put it after his actual words. Even then, I think you can push to show his conviction, maybe the way his body moves, or how his words come out so the reader sees the passion rather than being told it is passionate.
You have a great framework here alerady. Best of luck here and w/ The Writer's Voice!
Very nice! Good passion and heat. I really don't have much. I did think this line: When he spoke, he did with such passion and conviction, she couldn’t help but believe him
ReplyDeletewould work better either after the dialogue or not there at all, since it kind of takes away from some of the weight of what he says. Gives away a bit of the punch, you know?
Otherwise, great job!
The passion and stakes in this one were very intense -- nice job!
ReplyDeleteI'll echo Yttar: the last line really pulled at the heartstrings.
I also agree with the other commenters that this would be stronger without the "passion and conviction" line.
My only little complaint is that AJ doesn't say anything in this scene. Her silence makes her seem very submissive. Maybe that's her personality, but I'd like it better if she had a chance to speak.
I'm a sucker for doomed lovers. You tell it well, this is just a sneak peek and you did a great job detailing the situation!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a romance novel! Boom! Love it! :)
ReplyDelete