TITLE: Chrysalis
GENRE: YA Fiction
Ivy is fighting her feelings for William, in a moment of weakness she gives in.
Carefully, I stepped from behind the swing until I was standing inches from him. His eyes followed me but he didn’t move. My hands reached out, and before I could stop them, they cupped his face familiarly, my fingertips tracing his jaw.
William’s eyes widened, his lips parted. He started to say something.
It was just like a scene from a movie, a slow motion close up. His head bending as he roughly jerked me to his chest, arms wrapping around me like a steel cage. The kiss was hard and hungry. The minute his mouth crashed onto mine, I felt like someone lit a match in me, igniting everything from the inside out. All my thoughts burnt to a cinder in a second.
My arms slipped up around his neck, my fingers weaved themselves through his soft curling hair, and then without warning, he lifted his mouth from mine, breaking the kiss. Sanity came crashing down on me in waves. I leaned my head on his chest. What was I doing? I took several steps back until I was out of his arms. He was reluctant to let go, holding on to my wrists.
“Ivy, I…”
“Don’t.” I said, easing my hands free. “Don’t say anything.” I had my answer, but now it was the question after it that had me in a tailspin. What was I going to do? I turned, and started walking back toward the house. William’s heavy hand clamped onto my arm, stopping me.
“Wait a minute. Where are you going?” He asked with a confused look.
I tried to jerk free, but he was holding on tight.
“Let go of me.” I gave him a wintry glare.
He ignored me. “You can’t run from this.”
If cupping his face is a familiar action, why is he surprised? I totally want to know what happens next! And why does he break off the kiss if when she tries to walk away, he holds her closer? Good storytelling.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great scene. Good description, beautifully worded, no cliches, lots of emotions thrown in. You really pack a lot of intensity and feeling into such a short few excerpt! And this kiss itself was perfect. Short, sweet, intense, fiery - all rolled into one. Everybody has different opinions of what they like and don't like, but I can sincerely say I would love to read more!
ReplyDeleteReally liked this! I particularly liked "I had my answer, but now it was the question after it that had me in a tailspin"
ReplyDeleteLike J.K. Wise, i was a little thrown by the "familiarly" tag after she cups his face, because cupping someone's face IS a familiar action so it seemed a bit redundant to me. I also thought you could lose some of your dialogue tags, especially when it's follwed by the speakers action. But this is just super nitpicky stuff since i'm trying to be constructive.
Great job here!
I thought you did an excellent job with this--the descriptions of the emotions are great.
ReplyDeleteThe "familiarly" also threw me off, and I wondered why he broke the kiss so suddenly since it seems he wanted the kiss.
Really good writing, though!
while I like the idea behind this scene, I don't necessarily like how his arms are described as a "cage" or how he won't release her even after she asks. I see this William guy as a nice guy, but these things to me don't necessarily paint him that way. maybe I'm just sensitive :)
ReplyDeleteI think this starts a little shaky, but grows into it. I love that it ends harshly, adding to the tension between them. But at the beginning, there's descriptions that contradict.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the person who mentioned cupping his face familiarly. Don't think that adverb works there. William is the one surprised by the motion, and yet he is the one to kiss Ivy. The reader should at least see the surprise change to decision to kiss her, or let Ivy be the one the kiss him (maybe? I don't know the characters obviously, but the sequence of events feels like its missing something here.)
You make an allusion to a slow motion movie close up, but use works like jerked, hard, hungry, crash -- all words that do not mesh with a slow motion feeling. Is the leadup to the kiss slow motion and then when they touch everything goes fast forward?
Nitpicks about the end: "He asked..." watch capitalization there, should be "he asked." And how can she see her own glare to know its wintery? It's her POV.
Good writing though, I can really feel the tension between them, and love that it doesn't end all loving between them. Nicely done.
I may be another sensitive soul here, but when the hero and his embrace/kiss are described with words: jerked, hard, steel cage...then I start to squirm.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of talk going on about rape culture out there the past couple of months and words that bring up imprisonment make me think this is NOT going to be a good relationship. So if this is not your intent, I'd suggest a variation of verbs/adverbs.
Great tension! The only part that gave me pause was when William opened his mouth and started to say something (perhaps expressing confusion by her abrupt affection, I would assume by the prior lines) but instead roughly kissed her. Wait. What happened? And what was he saying? The conflict- given the short blurb, granted, I'm sure my answer lies beyond the word limit here- made it slightly awkward for me. The comparison to a lit match and burning to a cinder was a nice descriptor, though!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the tension in this scene. Yes, some of William's actions (or at least the words used to describe them) come across as harsh, yet this is how Ivy sees them.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others on the familiarly when she cups his face. And we should see a change from William's confusion to decision before he kisses her.
Great stuff!
The emotions are jerky in this section, so while it's well-written, I find things change too quickly to be believable. For example, the 3rd paragraph begins by describing the kiss like a slow-motion close up, five words later he roughly jerks her to his chest. That's not slow motion.
ReplyDeleteSimilarly, she leans her head on his chest when she comes to her senses, and then backs away, but one would expect the opposite (she'd lean her head, come to her senses, and then back away.)
The passage should be smoothed over, each motion imaged one at a time to make sure they all flow together.