Wednesday, May 6, 2009

30 Drop the Needle

TITLE: The One
GENRE: YA Inspriational Romance

Seth’s Guardian Angel, Asher moves him from Earth to Arland, a world where the people can see and hear their Guardian Angels. God has created one woman for Seth and he must find her to fulfill his calling. The first woman he meets is Lilli and he is smitten. Over a few days he falls in love with her but is concerned that she is not available. In this scene he has decided to profess his love, but first he must know if she has found another.

“Lilli, have you found your One?” I asked, gently lifting her face towards mine.

“Yes Seth, I have found my One. Very recently though, only within the past few days.”

How could God bring me here to be hurt? I had started to believe I was falling in love with Lilli! Now I find out she’s not available! What were you thinking bring me here?! How could you let this happen?’ If Asher was going to listen to my thoughts, I was going to give a mind full!

“I hope you are happy with him.” I spat jogging to my room.

“Seth, you must trust what you are feeling and then you will be able to see who your One is,” Asher told me.

“What I’m feeling? You can’t be serious! Coming here was a huge mistake. Since Lilli’s found her One, I can’t just sit and watch them together. I must get away from here.” I needed space.

“Seth, why don’t you go on a vacation?”

“I realize Arland is a great place, but I don’t belong here. Asher, I want to go back to Earth.” If I could just forget her and everything else from here, I would go on with my old life.

“What about your One?” Asher asked.

“I don’t think I’m capable of finding her. Just look, the person I thought might be my One was already taken. Take me back!” I yelled, getting angrier each second.

“Okay. I will take you back to Earth.”


  1. It seems to me Asher agreed too readily. Does he have to?

    I like the idea here, but the dialog and action-reaction seem incomplete to me. For example, If he is lifting her face in a romantic gesture how does she respond physically? If her eyes widen and she smiles she is telling him she found the one and it's him--but he misses the body language and jumps to the wrong conclusion. That would work.

    If she is letting him down gently, she pulls back and looks at him with regret or sympathy or something. That would support his retort "I hope you are happy with him."

    In the italicized passage, you certainly nail Seth's thoughts accurately. What feelings and body language go with them? Of course if you gave us all that the passage would exceed 250 words.

    My personal pet peeve is the word "just" (paragraphs 6, 8, 10). It rarely adds anything, even in dialog.

    In paragraph 8, hold on to the petulant tone. Seth sounds like he is trying to reason with Asher. Arland is hardly a great place now Seth believes he's failed to win Lilli.

    Paragraph 12 loses it's anger. Would he really say I don't think I'm capable...."? Wouldn't it come out "What one? Where is she? I don't know. I won't ever know. Lilli's taken. Who else is there?" or something angry and accusative like that?

    Keep going. I find it helpful to read my dialog out loud to see if it fits my temper and my mouth.

  2. I don't read inspirational but the premise is new to me and interesting.

    I think paragraph 3 is a little long. "What were you thinking bringing me here?" Isn't necessary. You basically same the same thing in the beginning of the paragraph. (small nitpic).

    It seems pretty obvious that he is the One (but I could be wrong). Surely Lilli knows why he asking and wouldn't she be a little more sensitive to him, if she loved someone else.

  3. There are problems with the first part of this. We don't see Lilli's expression as she answers Seth. Seth's thoughts have too many exclamation points, and that doesn't really add to the emotion. And the transition from Seth spitting out his reply to having a conversation with Asher is too sudden. If you mean this to be a fast scene, adding some detail would make for a faster read, since we wouldn't stop to wonder at the lack of detail.

    Mark in the Seattle area

  4. Maybe you set this up better in the context of the whole work, but this felt rather watered-down to me.

    As in, I couldn't feel the passion-- the love or the anger. I think it's odd the fellow is promised there is a *One* for him in this new place, and he give up after the first girl he's attracted to isn't who he thought. Seems like the opposite of passion/hope/faith/trust to see things so clearly and yet not be willing to wait and look.

    The long internal monologue was distracting, too along with the "I spat jogging to my room." I think you meant to have a comma before the closed-quotes, but even so it's awkward construction, unless the answer wasn't meant for the girl to hear.

  5. The dialogue felt very formal to me. Example "I realize Arland is a great place."

    "Arland's a great place" sounds more realistic.

    Unless, the speech in Arland is suppose to be formal.

    And for immediacy, it would help to have Seth's snide comment come right after Lilli answers and then have the thoughts as he jogs away.

  6. I'm guessing that Lilli is the One and she's trying to tell him that? There's nothing in the first two sentences that give us any clue about their interaction, although he's comfortable enough to gently lift her face but there's no reaction from her.

    Too much telling and not enough showing. I don't understand the vacationing. I thought he just got there a few days ago?

    The inner thoughts paragraph is out of sync. He mentions Asher, then responds to Lilli, then he's talking to Asher.

    The idea is interesting but this needs editing.

  7. From the first sentence I figured that Lilli's One is Seth, but he hasn't figured that out yet.

    I think if he truly loved Lilli, he would not react so hatefully.

    “I hope you are happy with him.” I spat jogging to my room.

    This isn't what you would say to someone you love. At leasat not in that way.

    I would say that someone with that much venom does not deserve Lilli.