Wednesday, July 14, 2010

July Secret Agent #28 (removed)

*entry withdraw at request of author*


  1. Great tension. I like this. Can't say anything else. Just great. =)

  2. Nice, strong writing that keeps you in the moment. You have all the words you need and no extras, and as the reader I feel like I'm in good hands. Keep it up!

  3. I like the voice, the tension, the pace. Two things took me out a bit -- the opening quote (this may just be personal since I'm not a huge fan of quotes at the beginning anyway, but without any context, the quote didn't really seem relevant to this snippet), and in the middle with "I sprint," since he/she is already running, I don't see how this as different so it's a bit redundant. Maybe if you used something like "I surge ahead" or something to convey he/she's accelerating (if that's your intention).
    But those two things are very minor because I love the voice and I love the action you drop us in. Nice job!

  4. I liked it and would definitely read more. Reading it made me rather breathless.

    I'm going to both disagree and agree with Cambria above me because I believe there's a huge difference between sprint and run, but I don't like the quote (and, as the author, you're probably going to have to pay for the permissions to it).

  5. Mostly ditto to what Rose Green said.

    I am not taken with the quote at the beginning - and I usually like that kind of thing.

    I agree with Sarah N Fisk about the sprint/run thing.

  6. Wow! Great opening! Perect Pacing!
    It reads like a race.

    The quote didn't do anything for me either. Seeing it in context might help, though.

    The only thing I'd suggest is cutting 'the' from - Like the 200 scouts.

    But it's really terrific as is. Most definately hooked!

  7. I loved the ending! Great pace. The quote didn't feel quite right to me, but otherwise I'm hooked!

  8. I agree with Barbara. Really terrific. The writing is confident, and as a reader, I would trust you to deliver a good story.

  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

  10. I love this, your long paragraph is full of so much believable imagery. Lovely.

    I'd lose the Rush lyrics at the beginning though, they're detrimental I think. What I mean is I totally thought I wasn't going to like the writing because of the lyrics. If I were the one going through the slush pile, I wouldn't have made it past the lyrics. But your writing is GOOD, so that would have been a bummer. Just my opinion though!

  11. Hooked. great voice, great tension and great writing.

    I skimmed the quote and assume it must have something to do with the chapter or book. If it's for the whole book, you might be able to put it on it's own page before the ms (sort of like a flyleaf in a book).

    But I'd read this quote or no quote. Good job!

  12. This is really fantastic. Wasn't digging the quote at the beginning, especially for such a short excerpt. Maybe in the full ms, it wouldn't feel so awkwardly placed.

    The cadence of the language here is great--it's like every word is a footstep. I love it. I'm dying to read more and find out who Josh is running from. Great job!